Young Writers Society

Hey Lim!

I loved your use of metaphor in the poem and how perfectly you were able to continue on that line and still deliver your message so clearly. I also loved how on the surface, the poem seemed so simple and almost a little silly because of your descriptions of the rolls; but underneath, you portrayed the gritty and problematic reality of our society very well.

Love and hate. Peace and war. Anything.

Howdy Hey! Gengar here to leave a review!

Precious roles, roles fist-sized and just fluffy

enough to cushion our customers from

the meaningless nothing of everything.

We worked at the bakery that makes roles

until the day people remembered

that roles are made, not given or born.

And they stormed the bakery.

There were custard trails dotted with flour,

and globs of jam spotting the streets – I saw

a young child squatting there, making a role,

somehow the white dough shimmered in the sun.

It glowed, and it meant something, to the child,

anyhow, their cheeks glowing with moondust

I am glad you revised this poem, now it's definitely better

I am glad you revised this poem, now it's definitely better

The original was good, but this revision was really great. Now we get to read about how the child feels. The child has a role that will shape and mold their life wonderfully. It means nothing to most but everything to the child. Their role might just save them. I have enjoyed reading this revision poem of yours. I can smell the baked goods from over here.

I wish you an amazing day/night.