Published January 26, 2011
I'm sitting at the computer and trying not to blush. My eyes which are forced to look ahead, want to glance to my left side, where a guy I have had a crush on since the beginning of college sits and works. My heart races as I think of him so close to me and I have to fight harder for my cheeks not to grow a powerful pink. I see from the corner of my eye him flick his hair from his eyes in the fashion I always adored. Then quickly bring my attention back to the screen as his eyes dart my way. It may be a paranoid crush, but I can’t help think he is staring at me like I am at him.
My knowledge of him before this point was lacking, and as a fact still is. Now, however, I know his name. Newt Thomas. My crush may be merely through looks at this point in time, but I would like to know so much more about him, my heart craves the contact and knowledge. The problem with that is I can’t give it, my confidence is lacking. I am in total belief he doesn’t like me, and that more then likely is how it will stay. Though I can’t help but study him in our close quarters. I watch him bite his nails as his face relaxes and concentration is brought to his screen. I slip off my jacket giving me a chance to get a full view of his body which is dressed in a pair of faded blue jeans and a deep dark red jumper with its sleeves rolled to the elbows. My view does not reach his feet though that has no matter.
My next goal is to try and get a better view of his face. I begin to play with my hair which is tied in a ponytail meaning my head slightly dips to the right giving my face focus on the left. I notice a pair of hazel eyes stand from a simplistic yet mesmerizing face. His broad chin is framed in dark brown stubble, which suits him a great deal, but also stands out from his lighter hair. Once more as I stare he glances at me and my head darts back to the screen in a red flush, I notice him smile as this happens and can’t help but feel he’s caught me in what I am doing.
Now paranoid thoughts start to enter my mind at a faster pace. The thoughts that make me blush more from the humiliation that could be possible. He could stand and announce to the room I am a stalker. He could tap my shoulder, but not mean to embarrass, at a volume everyone can hear state he is gay. He could point out the flaws I point out in myself each day and call me an array of hurtful names; “Fat. Spotty. Ugly. Freak. Weirdo.” The list goes on. He can, if he wanted to, make me feel like a lowlife. In my heart I know, however, he is not the type.
My back straightens as I watch him stand and realise an hour has passed. His knuckle presses against my desk as he reaches for his bag then relaxes as he stands and walks slowly away without a second glance. I stare at the spot he touched and see a small piece of paper lie there; it’s folded neatly in half. I reach for it and open it with shaking hands and find an eleven digit number lie on its surface. My cheek flushes again and a bright grin erupts onto my face.
I may not be so paranoid afterall.
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141,367 Literary Works • 674,382 Reviews
I love this! It's so true! Because this is like a true story! Girl meets boy for girl it's love at first sight for boy its like ew get away from me and thats when it becomes a crush
Hey there!
Like the others have said before me, I really liked the way it was written. You paid attention to the details, but didn't dabble in the needless. The way you explained how she was totally smitten with him was engaging and I wanted to know how it ended!
Now, only have one question, is it possible to have an 11 digit phone number?
Hi there!
Ah, the classic story of love in school. Although this was very well written. I do have one thing to say.
As I was reading, I was just waiting for the slip of paper to be passed or left. And voila, at the end there it was.
I've read this type of story countless times before.
But why am I complaining? I'll stop.
It was great, and I thought I really connected with your character.
But Its disappointing, that it doesn't feel fresh.
But I'm sure with your writing style and your imagination. You could put your own spin on a overly used scene. (Class room, girls likes boy, try's to get noticed and slips a piece of paper to her)
I hope I don't sound harsh or mean. It's not what I'm trying to convey. I hope you understand that.
I liked this story and you do have the ability to write great stories! (Not saying this isn't)
If you have a Q. Don't hesitate to PM me.
~ Yours T.K
Hey LilySoulMahon!
I've read a couple of pieces of your work on here lately, but haven't had time to review. So today, I'm going to try extra hard to give you the review your work thoroughly deserves
Nit-piks first!
I get what you're trying to say in this sentence, but it just reads a bit awkwardly. I'd suggest re-wording it to something along the lines of -
'From the corner of my eye, I see him flick his hair from his vision in the fashion I adore.'
'think' should be 'thinking'
This sentence needs some punctuation.
'I slip off my jacket, giving me a chance to get a full view of his body. He's dressed in a pair of faded blue jeans and a deep dark red jumper with its sleeves rolled to the elbows.'
I think this sounds better as two sentences. It gives the reader a chance to take in what they're reading, as before it was like the description of him was being thrust at them. I also think it would be better if you used either 'deep' or 'dark' to describe his jumper instead of both. Don't worry though - I'm always using too many adjectives in my work.
I'd nix this sentence completely as it doesn't bring anything to the story.
This sentence confused me. I get what you're trying to say, but I'd suggest rearranging it a bit so it's clear to the reader what's going on.
'I begin to play with my hair which is tied in a ponytail, meaning my head slightly dips to the right, giving me an excuse to study him.'
I liked this description
To make this more readable, I'd switch the comma to a full stop.
'Once more as I stare he glances at me and my head darts back to the screen in a red flush. I notice him smile as this happens and can’t help but feel he’s caught me in what I am doing.'
Then I'd add a comma after 'stare'
'Once more as I stare, he glances at me and my head darts back to the screen in a red flush. I notice him smile as this happens and can’t help but feel he’s caught me in what I am doing.'
I don't think you need this sentence. Your work will still makes sense if you decide to remove it.
'Now paranoid thoughts start to enter my mind at a faster pace. He could stand and announce to the room I am a stalker. He could tap my shoulder, but not mean to embarrass, at a volume everyone can hear state he is gay. He could point out the flaws I point out in myself each day and call me an array of hurtful names; “Fat. Spotty. Ugly. Freak. Weirdo.”'
I think this would be better if you swapped the second comma to 'and'
E.g - 'He could tap my shoulder, but not mean to embarrass and at a volume everyone can hear state he is gay.'
I think 'scrawled' or 'written' would be better than 'lie'
'Cheek' makes it sound as though she's only blushing on one side of her face.
Maybe try - 'My cheeks flush again and a bright grin erupts onto my face.'
Overall thoughts -
- I agree with Fantasydotcom, in that you need more punctuation. Some of your sentences are too long and need to be broken up with commas. I've mentioned some of them above. It's not a big problem though. A trick I use to know where to put commas in, is to read the sentence outloud, and where you take a breath while reading is genuinely the place where a comma needs to go. I hope this helps
- I notice you write in present tense, too. I'm hopeless at writing in present tense, so if any of the suggestions that I have made to you are in past tense, then I'm sorry. My brain can't handle writing in present tense
- I did like this story. The plot was good. Your protagonist was easy to relate to and you didn't over exaggerate anywhere - it didn't feel like I was reading a fantasy from a teenagers diary. It felt down to earth
So, I hope this review is helpful. Thanks for the read!
xDudettex
Wow!
This is absolutle fab!! I loved the way this was written.
You wrote the actual feelings of how a normal girl who has a crush would react in this type of situation. This, to me, is quite an acheivement, since usually things like these go into too much fantasy and perfection, or into complete impossiblity of it ever happening. True the ending has this never going to happen vibe to it, but hey, all girls want this to be true.
Now, time to review seriously. No more biased comments from now on:
Okay, first things first, Punctuation. You have a small flaw of not using enough punctuation in the text. There are some places which need a coma here and there. Hmm...thats it there, I think.
Next, grammar - Not too shabby I must admit.
Maybe a bit too repetitve on some words, but easily changed. Some sentences could be lengthened or shortened, but I think I could use with a second opinion on that.
Plot. I get from this that the plot is about a girl who has a crush on this guy and somehow, he notices her - in a good way. Am I right? If it is, then the plot is done nicely, especially since the whole idea was easily conveyed to the reader.
Overall?
Loved it!! I'd suggest continuing this as a novel or short story. I really want to know what's going to happen next!
Right that's me!
Fantasy
PS
I do suggest getting another opinion besides me okay. I haven't done a review in several months and I've just read a blog which is similar to this. lol
PPS
Keep up the Brilliant Work!!!