Love at First Bite

i liked it. let me know when you have the second chapter up.

Just be careful that you are not copy twilight or some one esle. this is your story, so make it your story.

I knew what this must be. Heaven.

Just then, Carter Snow, my father, walked into the room.

Scasha,

Hey, this is LilyReagan!!!

I just wanted to thank you for your comments! *does little dance*
Sorry. I'm listening to a cool song.

Anyhoo, I wanted to clear up some stuff with ya.

The Preface:
-YES, it is set after she arrives at Danny's. See, I took it from Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. She does the same thing: gives a glimpse into the story in a preface.
-I just wanted to give a bit of detail, because I'd probably use the preface on the back or the cover flap of the book (if I finish!)
-"The first one" would be referring to the list of the things other girls would die for, and the first thing mentioned on the list: the soul-mate bf!

Chapter One:
For this piece

I had to admit; [s]though[/s] she was a bad influence at times, her reckless ways had definitely taught us some valuable life lessons.

It felt good making my brother happy, even at the expense of my mother's sanity—or what was left of it.

He abruptly stopped laughing. "Don't you ever wish we had a normal mother…you know, one that can teach other things besides how to run away from muggers?" This seems a little too abrupt. You talked about her before, Why didn't he say this before. Maybe have him look down and have Jill ask what's wrong or something, then have him go into it. Edit: After reading the bellow, I think you should just take this out. It doesn't really add anything, but that's just my opinion

Not wanting to attract too much more attention, we walked to the exit.Maybe instead say: As we stumbled towards the exit, I looked up at my brother. This was going to be a fun stay.

Various vegetation—blackberry bushes, ferns, crabapple trees, thorn bushes—grew scattered every few yards [s]and[/s] along the road.

As he drove, I wondered vaguely which one would be my new home. I looked from one to another in interest, trying to guess which one was his

Hey, I just saw this and decided to review it. The lengend for my reviewing:
Red= Comments
Bold = Stuff that I think sounds better, I usually delete parts of it and add in these bold words. Other times I decide to strikethrough the words I don't think work and put bold new ways to rephrase it next to them. Depends what mood I'm in
Anyway, here we go:

LilyReagan wrote:This is the preface and first chapter of my story, Complete. I hope you like it!




Preface

The safest bet now would probably be to run. Away from the lies, [s]the scorn at my choice of true love over my (former) friend[/s] I don't think you need this explanation just yet , the deception, and the cold, hard, merciless face of my pursuer. How had it come to this? For six blissful months, I'd had everything I could have wanted; a soul-mate [s]boyfriend[/s], [s]three[/s] amazing best friends, a great life, an awesome older brother…. Things any girl would have died for—especially the first one I'm confused as to what this means...the first one? Either take it out our explain it. I think it would be better to take it out. Explain later. —and I'd thrown it all away with one little mistake. Of course he thought it was his fault, but I knew he was blaming himself out of habit. Just like always.
Now I was running from this cruel monster of a man, with no chance of escaping. I had said my virtual goodbyes. It was time to face my fate.

Love the prologue. Really pulls the readers in. Just clarify the confusing parts

1. Arrival

A sea of eager eyes turned to me as I exited the airplane and entered [s]into[/s] the crowded terminal, but they all became dull as they realized that I wasn’t the passenger they had been anticipating. All but two.
"Jillian!"
Danny rushed over to greet me, wrapping me in [s]his[/s] amassive hug. His bright green eyes [s]were alight[/s] lit up, a wide smiling breaking across his face.
"Hey, big bro!" I grinned at my lanky, redheaded, 22-year-old brother.
He flashed a smile back. "I'm so glad Mom let you come without a fuss." He grabbed my Morgantown Academy sweatshirt from my arms and led me toward baggage claim.
I grimaced. "She was definitely being difficult, "I paused, "but eventually she gave in. She couldn't deny that you're a better adult authority than she's been so far…so…."
I could see Danny rolling his eyes atthe mention of our inept mother. I had to admit; [s]though[/s] she was a bad influence at times, her reckless ways had definitely taught us some valuable life lessons. Sticking together, for example, had never been a problem until that one time Mom abandoned us in the park. Thank god, we were smart enough to hail a taxicab and get ourselves back home.
We were nearly at luggage claim now, and Danny was chattering on and on about how much I would love the house. He seemed very happy that I had come to live with him. [s] It felt good making my brother happy[/s] Show us, don't tell us that it makes your MC happy. Maybe look over at Danny and have relief go over her shoulders. Maybe say: I couldn't help but notice the bounce in his step as he shot me another smile., [s]even at the expense of my mother's sanity—or what was left of it[/s]. You don't really seem to care all that much about the mother anyway so leave this part out
Danny grinned. "Go get your luggage, Jilly Bean!" He used a nickname of mine I had thought everyone had forgotten. I laughed and bolted forward.
I peeked over the head of a tight looking woman. And...? Show us maybe that she gets jostled by a few passengers but then makes her way to the front or something. It needs to be more than this sentence
I finally caught sight of my bright orange luggage, and tugged it off the belt.
Danny was leaning against the faux granite walls when I got back. He was snickering at my luggage.
I scowled at him. "Hey, [s]hey, hey[/s]!" I sheltered my bags protectively. "Don't make fun of my luggage!"
He pressed his lips together in an attempt to keep from laughing; he failed miserably. Pretty soon he was doubled over [s]laughing[/s] gasping for air.
"What kind of person uses neon orange luggage?"
"Um, I do."
"Uh, why?"
I laughed. "Just a precaution Mom had me make. The one time she decides to be responsible, [s]and[/s] it's so I can find my luggage."
He abruptly stopped laughing. "Don't you ever wish we had a normal mother…you know, one that can teach other things besides how to run away from muggers?" This seems a little too abrupt. You talked about her before, Why didn't he say this before. Maybe have him look down and have Jill ask what's wrong or something, then have him go into it. Edit: After reading the bellow, I think you should just take this out. It doesn't really add anything, but that's just my opinion
I thought. "Sometimes."
"You know…. Learning how to run can come in handy. Race ya!"
He grabbed two of my four suitcases. I'd forgotten how fast he really was until he was sprinting ahead, 10 yards in front of me. "Dan-ny!" I laughed. I tripped after him, my hair flailing behind me. We ran all the way to the escalator.
Breathless, I leaned against the railing as we traveled downward. Danny was choking back bursts of hysteria, sounding like a dying cat. Passerby gawked at us as we struggled to catch our breath.
[s]Not wanting to attract too much more attention, we walked to the exit.[/s]Maybe instead say: As we stumbled towards the exit, I looked up at my brother. This was going to be a fun stay.

Finally, in the car, I relaxed in the passenger seat, pressing my cheek against the cold headrest. Danny turned the heat on and fiddled with the radio. Settling on a station, he started up on the topic I had been dreading.
"Jilly…I was thinking about how you wanted to go to a public school here, and I don't feel like that would be best for you."
I sighed. "Danny, I told you; I don't want to be home schooled anymore." Why did she have the Academy sweatshirt from before? I thought she went to a private school or something. Clarify I snuck a glance at him—his face was tight; hard. "In Grand Junction I had virtually no friends…. I want the chance to go to a real high school."
"Okay." His expression was one of resignation. I could sense the tension diminishing. He looked back to the road. I followed his example and, for the first time since I had arrived in New Jersey, I looked at my surroundings.
[s]What I saw took my breath away—forgive the cliché.[/s] I can't forgive this cliche
The tree trunks were coated in a peculiar blue-green moss, and their branches seemed to reach up into infinity. Various vegetation—blackberry bushes, ferns, crabapple trees, thorn bushes—grew scattered every few yards [s]and[/s] along the road.
Weeping willows [s]cropped up in nearly every other yard[/s] lined the highway, their drooping branches swaying gracefully in the weight of the heavy mist.
Danny's faded Saturn SL2 turned off the main road and onto a street with a row of homey-looking houses. [s]As he drove, I wondered vaguely which one would be my new home.[/s] I looked from one to another in interest, trying to guess which one was his Finally, he pulled into the driveway of a warm-looking [s]3-bedroom [/s] unneeded detail. Instead say: ... of a warm looking brick house with off white siding.[s]with red brick and off-white siding. It looked like home to me.[/s]
"Here we are." Danny smiled.
Liking the look of it, I stepped out of the car, careful not to trip, and headed [s]around the car and [/s]up the path. Danny followed, still smiling, [s]happy as ever[/s]. I had that same warm feeling as before, at the airport.
I pushed open the heavy mahogany door and stepped inside.
There was a strange warmness about the house—the old-fashioned kitchen, the hardwood floors, the worn upholstery on the outdated couches—it made me feel [s]right at home[/s] as though I had lived here forever.
Danny gave me a little shove toward the stairs. "Check out your room!"
I headed up, and the stairs creaked underneath me.
I gasped when I finally got into the room—my room. It was perfect—exactly right for me. The walls were painted a warm red-brown, a russet color, with more brown than red. The comforter on my mattress was a breathtaking metallic gold, and the sheets were the same [s]russet [/s]color as the walls. A low desk [s]of some beautiful dark wood [/s]sat on the floor with a gold pouf as a seat. Burning candles—placed near a low black armchair—[s]were emitting [/s] emitted a delicious scent into the air. [s]It was beautiful.[/s]
"It's beautiful!" I exclaimed, throwing myself on Danny.
Danny smiled. "I thought you would like it."
"How did you know it would be so…perfect?"
He narrowed his eyes mockingly. "I know you better than you give me credit for, Jilly."
I laughed. "It's really great of you to do this, Danny—even though Mom thinks otherwise."
"It's no problem Jils…. Come on, let's get something to eat."

At dinner, I found out that Danny wasn't a bad cook…unless you wanted something besides Pillsbury toaster strudels, potato chips, and soda. So I took some time that night writing down kitchen necessities on a shopping list. At least it helped to get thoughts about my first day at a public school out of my head.
I'd been to a private school—Morgantown Academy—since junior high age up until now, my junior year in high school. Before that, I was home schooled by my mom. So it wasn't a complete surprise that I was filled with anticipation for tomorrow. I tried to relax in my beautiful new room, [s]with no luck[/s] Show us how she can't relax. Maybe she paces. Tries to read a book but can't. Fidgets. Something! , so I grabbed a towel—[s]russet!—[/s]and went into my bathroom. Try not to overdo the colors. I got it the first time
In the shower, the hot water calmed me, unknotted my muscles, leaving me tired and limp. Show us how the water feels. I pulled myself out of the shower and dried my long blond hair, obsessively trying to make the waves straighten. I looked at my reflection.
My pale skin looked even paler in the artificial lighting, and the deep, dark circles under my eyes made me look zombie-like. I couldn't recognize myself, other than my bright blue eyes that were so unlike Danny's and my mother's green ones. I had once asked my mother why that was so; I regretted it instantly—she burst into hysteric sobs. I could only guess it was a likeness I shared with my dead father. Mom and Danny were the only ones who remembered him—I was only five—and when he died of lymphoma. My eyes were an attribute I was proud of—I was proud of my father, who died fighting the terrible didease. Try to avoid repeating words like proud. Go into a thesaurus and try to find another word
I dressed and left the bathroom. Warm in my bed, I thought about my father until I drifted off to sleep, feeling secure in my new home.