16+ Language Violence

Sasha and Roe: Saint Cheryl's Slums (Part 1?)

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

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The file indicated the two were linked at the estimated age of thirteen; ages to date were estimated to be fifteen or sixteen. Sasha Olsen (A189639) and Romulus Falconsson (A189640). Young, but not unusually so. The girl wasn’t supposed to smile in her photo, but she still had a sort of rebellious tilt to her lip, wavy red hair in her face. The boy’s expression was blank, eyes fixated on a point above the camera. They each had the Falconry brand on their collarbone and personal ID scars. Ordinary enough, maybe, but what caught the Inspector General’s eye was the lack of history beforehand. Apparently, neither of the operatives had a place of birth (no listed village, province, ward or even something as a general as which dimension), parents or extended family and no known level of education. Certain assignments were under such heavy classification that even for her it would take weeks of digging to gain access. All very bizarre, especially since they were both Irregulars.

Huh.

The Inspector General was new at her job. The previous Inspector General had tragically died from an incurable medical condition (Heart attack? Renal failure? Freak aneurism? No one remembered.) while in office, leaving the way clear for his successor to be hired in similarly blurry circumstances. She had spent the last three months following a trail of bribes and forgeries (all pretty smoothly covered up, she had to admit. Only someone with her particular skill set would have noticed) and had become very much acquainted with the scum and weaknesses of this government. She had bought and betrayed loyalties; fired and hired and pursued relentlessly and this was where it had lead her. Another mysterious road block. It didn’t really faze the Inspector General. She was very close to finding out what Falconry was hiding from her employers. It would take quite a bit more persuasion to get her to leave the case alone.

Her attention slipped to the bottom of the page, reading the fine print.

The aforementioned persons are under watch for mental instability.

Oh, perfect. Maybe she could squeeze another bonus out of this.

-

Sasha shifted her grip slightly on the woman’s neck, allowing her hands to dig a little deeper into skin. She wasn’t actually choking the poppy addict, just scaring her a little. There had been a brief scuffle between the two a few seconds before. Not much of a competition. A neat right hook around a sharp corner caught the dope off guard and then Sasha was behind her, propping her up with one knee and hands around her neck.Okay, so yeah, it wasn’t a fair fight, but it still worked wonders for Sasha’s self-esteem. “Uh, hey!" How to say this? "This is gonna come out kinda awkward, but I really need you to do something for me.” She whispered into the woman’s ear. “Listen, I’m gonna let you go, but I need you to show me where to find the, uh, junk.”She added, “Poppy juice,” just to be specific. “But here’s the thing: if you run away, I will come after you and I will, well, I’ll kill you, because I'm super stressed and in a huge rush. Anyways, you get my point? Yeah? Cool. Lead the way, pops.”

Sasha was wearing a cotton worker’s outfit, which she’d… borrowed from an employee who wisely decided he could do without an extra. The disguise was to stop any too-keen eyes from thinking an outsider was worth reporting to crime bosses/nosy Officials/general weirdos and from what she and Roe had seen, cotton workers pretty commonly bought poppy juice, so it seemed like a legit disguise. She’d run a 10K that morning, and with the grime on her face and fluff in the folds of her clothes, she was pretty sure she smelled and looked the part. The dope, none the wiser, scurried off down an alley, Sasha on her heels.

The woman rounded a few corners, another few corners, and five minutes later Sasha realised she didn’t remember from which direction they had come. The maze of mud huts and metal lean-to’s all blended into one another. The slums of St. Cheryl's occupied three times more ground than the surrounded city; no, the slums were the city, and St. Cheryl just happened to be caught up in the middle of it. Finding a fire route was going to be hell if the situation complicated itself. Her hands began to prickle with heat. She forced an expression of eagerness on her face and made her gaze stick to the dope, instead of searching for Roe’s shadow.

This assignment had been a long time coming. It had been up on the East Ward Task List for ages; she and Roe had pushed and pushed to be the dispatch, but that bloody idiot Leon wouldn’t let anyone touch it. Or, probably, he was just letting his grudge get in the way of letting them do their jobs. But now that they were here, messing up would just give him another excuse to keep them apart. So until they could get a transfer to the West Ward, mistakes couldn’t happen.

The sky was darkening; pretty soon the real rulers of the city would surface. Body thieves, mud men, bored mercenaries and purposeful assassins (seriously, law enforcement had issues here). Her internal temperature began to rise. Aw crap no, please not now, not now. Try not to think about it. Think about something else. Like unicorns.

Trying it…

Nope. Not working. Unicorns are 1) boring and 2) completely irrelevant to this assignment. Just take deep breaths. Sasha inhaled, exhaled, inhaled. And breath by breath, the heat in her body ebbed back to a level where she could control it reasonably enough. Next problem: where was Roe? He was supposed to be tailing them, but he wasn’t signalling her and she couldn’t spot his shadow. She hoped he was just being cautious. And he better remember the way they came, useless bastard.

Comments & reviews · 4
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Hello! I, Holographic Ladybug, am here to review you!

I would like to start off by saying that I really like your writing style. It's got this kind of voice that you don't see very often. This makes everything as interesting as it is clever. It's also a little humorous (i.e. the unicorns). It even makes the story more interesting.

I liked the very start of your story the most. The emotionless tone of voice I imagine the narrator using is priceless.
This section makes the story way more interesting that adds some sort of flavour. Does that make sense?
It is, needless to say, very interesting.

I find this is also very dark.
Random remark. It has no value whatsoever.

User avatar
burninhell
Review

Hello :)
Just thought I'd give you a quick review on your piece here. First off I'm going to start by saying that I'm definitely going to read the next parts, you have me hooked :)
This whole piece leaves me with lots of questions, and I mean so many that I'm not going to list them all. Most of all I'm curious about Sasha and Roes story, even though we haven't met Roe yet, he seems like someone trustworthy in Sashas opinion.
In a little quick bit of advice I'd say to follow the previous reviews advice because that would make it flow just a little bit better and clear things up a bit. Just to make it a little less confusing.
And there was one other thing that confused me. The question mark in the title. Is it part one? It makes the reader a little unsure, I don't know, maybe it was there for a reason, it just confused me a little bit.
But that's all the advice I can offer in terms of improvement, you've created an amazing piece, I'll make sure to read the rest when you post them :)

User avatar
Virgil
Review
Virgil wrote a review · Sun Oct 25, 2015 5:37 pm

Atsmai here for a review.

You have quite a style to your writing but I feel like you may be trying to overdo it a bit.

Your descriptions and style are what drive the story so far, I'm not that interested in the plot and it almost made me want to go away at first but the descriptions of the character's are what hooked me through the end.

I see some grammar errors like where there is no space between a period and a new sentence but it feels like a hassle to point them all out, maybe just proofread it for your own sake.

I'm not that much of a mystery type of reader but the way you write keeps me going.

I have problems with the dense paragraphs because it's hard on my eyes to read but that's most likely just me.

The main character seems realistic though it does have a "Detective" feel to it that you always get when reading it and that's a little annoying.

Overall: I read this for the style and the way you write rather than the story even though I am hoping to get more involved with the characters and the story. The characters had no likes or hates from me but I did enjoy reading from the point of view. The story is a little hard to get involved in so far but I might read more!

Goodbye and I hope I reviewed well!

User avatar
hyperview
Review

Hey there, Lily! Happy review day!

So I actually enjoyed reading this. Really. I liked how you opened up the story with great mystery to who the characters are and the world they live in. Speaking of the world, I enjoyed how you were able to leave little clues about the state the characters are in and how people function to survive, but without actually having to TELL me, you know? It leaves me to use my own imagination and build the setting for myself, which I love.

But of course, I've got a few things I'd like to point out for you to consider. Most of them are for better readability. First up is the list you made in the first paragraph concerning their place of birth and whatnot. You started off with a list of things they were missing, but then had a list of things within the list of things. See what I'm talking about? The added info in the brackets kind of cut me off course and drew me away from the story because I was too focused on trying not to become confused. I would tell you to omit it, but I think it adds to your world building strategy, so maybe rewrite the sentence? Add less information to make it more concise? If you do this, I'm sure things will flow easier.

Secondly, I'd like to point out the dialogue you had between Sasha and that woman. I think it'd be much easier on the eyes if you gave the dialogue a new paragraph just so its easier to distinct speech from narrative. It's better than having a big chunk to read through, you know?

Last thing is more of a nitpick. In the second paragraph, the period should go after the brackets and "while" should be capitalized. That's it. :P

Other than those three things, I think you did a fine job building the story and its characters. The narrative is easy going and humorous, which made me feel a little closer to the characters. And it's only the first part!

Great job on this, and have a good day/night!



Be happy, my friend; and if you obey me in this one request, remain satisfied that nothing on earth will have the power to interrupt my tranquility.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein