Waiting in the rain

PreviousNext

Sorry if it's in the wrong section, but I didn't know what kind of poem to classify it as. Please review!

Soaked to the skin
Chilled to the bone
The raindrops trickle down my cheek
I stand here still, waiting
Hoping and praying
That you will come at last
As you once did promise
No second thoughts
No qualms, regrets.
Cool water taps against my skin
Warmed by the glow of anticipation
Knowing that you will be here
Blind I was, and shall remain
So here I am
Waiting in the rain.

I stand here still, waiting
Hoping and praying
That you have not lost your way
Or as it were, ‘twas merely that
Which keeps you away
And not your doubt, your change of heart
That leaves me here
As each second passes in anguish
As the minutes tick by, unseen,
Waiting in the rain.

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Hi there!
On to the review:
I agree with Ducati in most things. I actually do like the third line :D
The rhyming scheme... well, you can have it both ways in some poems, and it can work out.
In this one... well I liked it :D
The line she says is cliche , I agree, but I like it

It may seem that I like everything :D but there are some things you could work out, but Ducadi has already pointed those out.
Anyway, keep writing :D

User avatar
Ducati
Review
Ducati wrote a review · Fri Dec 12, 2008 11:38 am

LilyJamey wrote:Soaked to the skin
Chilled to the bone
The raindrops trickle down my cheek sort of redundant and doesn't add much
I stand here still, waiting
Hoping and praying
That you will come at last
As you once did promise why phrase it this way? you were being so direct before!
No second thoughts
No qualms, regrets.
Cool water taps against my skin
Warmed by the glow of anticipation
Knowing that you will be here
Blind I was, and shall remain
So here I am
Waiting in the rain. I like the rhyme her but, either make the whole thing have a rhyme scheme or not. You can't have it both ways.

I stand here still, waiting
Hoping and praying repetiton seems lost in your long lines take it out, think of something else to say!
That you have not lost your way
Or as it were, ‘twas merely that twas is only acceptable if you are trying to get a certain number of sylablles in each line. If you were, excuse me
Which keeps you away
And not your doubt, your change of heart
That leaves me here
As each second passes in anguish
As the minutes tick by, unseen, cliche
Waiting in the rain.



I thought it was nice...but ultimately lacking in depth and emotion. How does the rain effect your emotion? How is it a symbol of how you feel? Basically your poem is about someone waiting for their love to come in the rain. But you don't show us more.



One is not born, but rather becomes a woman.
— Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex