z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

First Day of Junior High

by Lily708


I always thought that I never had to change schools, but today I find myself in Northford’s classroom, staring out of the window utterly detached  from everything I’ve ever known and been.

For a second, I really had to believe the fact that I’m in Northford High School.

When I was fifteen,I lost my Dad.That's when he took my childhood with him.

It was after this, that mom had a real hard time, and last year we decided to shift to the metropolis of Belburg where my Aunt resided.

I come from a small town,Puachan on the outskirts of Belburg so I’m usually the kind who prefers the peaceful atmosphere of my little town rather than the bustle of Belburg.

“Hey, the new one there!”

A sudden rush of febrile fear ran through my veins, as I suddenly averted my eyes towards the lizard-eyed teacher at the blackboard who by now had her eyes on me.

What the hell did I do now?

Looking a bit anxious, I tried making eye contact with her, which was almost impossible for me. Why does she have that piercing, fierce look in her eyes?

Out of nowhere she began howling, “So… The new one, would you even want to introduce yourself and pay attention, or do you want to be the failure of the school?”

The class burst into laughter. All of their retinas were reflecting my image.

Jeez! Their faces crinkled with laughter.

I furrowed my brows and looked down.

I have to admit,this definitely was embarrassing.

“I- I," I stuttered and muttered as I uttered “I’m Kelsy from Puachan…”

“ So, Kelsy, I’m your history teacher, definitely a good one. I don’t really like plants, nature, so that’s a clear reason I am not your botany teacher today.”

What's her point? I murmured as I rolled my eyes.

“Look Kelsy, I do not know what kind of loose teaching you had in your previous school, but in here, you must listen and respect the teachers. Any kind of distracting activity is not tolerated”, she said with a stern face.

Rage flowed through my veins as I glared at the teacher.I could feel the vein on my neck pulsating.I clenched my fist under the desk.I just wanted to shout back.

You really don’t have to be a botany teacher to love nature, but all I would’ve wanted right now is just go home.But I really couldn’t do that now, so I just nodded and positioned myself back in my seat.

When I heard the school bells chiming, I packed up, and walked towards the doorway.

I had a tough day with my eyes battling between the window and my books, but thank god the day ended.

“Hey Kelsy!” I turned around and saw a guy with sparkling brown eyes and blonde hair about my age smiling. I hesitated a while but soon gave back a pale smile.

“So, Puachan, huh”, he started, “my grandma’s from there too.”

“ Cool”,I replied.

He threw a smile then glanced at his watch and hastened to the main gate shouting: ”Let’s catch up later Kelsy. I’ve got something really important to do.”

“Yo, ‘Aight!” I shouted back and started heading home.

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116 Reviews

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Tue Mar 14, 2017 10:50 pm
RoseTulipLily wrote a review...



Greetings! Your story piqued my curiosity and so here I am. Let's get started with the review then, yes?

A short chapter, but it is just the beginning and sometimes short is the best.

I am inclined to agree with Skylnn00writes about this part: "... staring out of the window utterly detached, detached from everything I’ve ever known and been." But it's really just a suggestion.

'A sudden rush of febrile fear ran through my veins, as I suddenly averted my eyes towards the lizard-eyed teacher at the blackboard who by now had her eyes on me.' I think a smoother way of saying this would be 'A sudden rush of fear ran through my veins. I averted my eyes towards the lizard-eyed teacher at the blackboard whose eyes were now on me.' It makes the sentence less long and gets the point across, but it's just a suggestion so please don't feel like I am being Bossy or anything. Everyone has their own writing style after all.

'I hesitated a while but soon gave back a pale smile.' I think a better way of saying this would be "I hesitated, but soon returned the smile.' This is really all just a suggestion, though, and it's your choice.

“ Cool”,I replied.' for this one, it should be “Cool," I replied'

"Let’s catch up later, Kelsy. I’ve got something really important to do.” Is the correct way to say that.

That being said, I have noticed quite a few errors in dialogue punction which can be easily fixed.

Keep writing :) After all, practice makes perfect!




Lily708 says...


Thanks for your review RoseLIlyTulip...helped me a lot..:)



Lily708 says...


Oops!!it's RoseTulipLily..:P
Looks like your a flower lover..:D



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81 Reviews

Points: 2620
Reviews: 81

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Tue Mar 14, 2017 7:14 pm
skylnn00writes wrote a review...



Hey! Just here to give you a review. Please keep in mind that these are all suggestions from my part that I think will make your writing better. You by no means have to listen to anything I say(write :P).

I always thought that I never had to change schools, but today I find myself in Northford’s classroom, staring out of the window utterly detached, detached from everything I’ve ever known and been.


Great opening! I would just change the repetition of detached and write "...staring out of the window utterly detached from everything I've ever known and been." Entirely up to you.

When I was fifteen, my life took a massive turn, I lost my father.


Another suggestion would be to separate this. Putting it on a separate line even will enhance the emotion of it.

It was after this, that mom had a real hard time, and last year we decided to shift to the metapolis of Belburg where my Aunt resided.


Metapolis I think you meant metropolis.

I come from a small town Puachan from the outskirts of Belburg...


"I come from a small town called Puachan" or "I come from a small town, Puachan, on the outskirts of Belburg." You're just missing some comma's and there is a small structure problem.

Looking a bit anxious, I tried making an eye contact with her, which was almost impossible for me.


I like how we get a glimpse of the character being shy. Only, it's just eye contact, not an eye contact.

Out of nowhere she began howling: “So… The new one, would you even want to introduce yourself and pay attention, or do you want to be the failure of the school?”


Wow... what a harsh and rude teacher! Anyway, the colon is not the ideal and/or proper punctuation mark there. It should be a comma.

But I have to admit,this definitely was embarrassing.


Your choice again, but I don't think you need the but here.

“I- I”, I stuttered,


Comma inside the quotation. Also, period after stuttered.

“ So Kelsy, I’m your History Teacher, definitely a good one, I don’t really like plants, nature, so that’s a clear reason I am not your botany teacher today.”


I want to point out a couple things about this. First thing, watch your spacing after the first quotation mark. Second, history teacher doesn't need to be capitalized. Third, this is a really long sentence. I would split it up if I were you and write something like "So, Kelsy, I'm your history teacher, definitely a good one. I don't really like plants or nature, so..." Lastly, just add a comma before Kelsy.

What’s her point? I murmured as I rolled my eyes.


So, if she is actually talking, you want to add quotation marks so it reads "What's her point?" I murmured as I rolled my eyes." If you want her to think it, then maybe just italicize it.

“Look Kelsy, I do not know what kind of loose teaching you had in your previous school, but in here, you must listen and respect the teachers,any kind of distracting activity is not tolerated”, she said with a stern face.


Again, spacing. Space after "teachers, any". Also, period and new sentence for "Any kind of distracting..."

Rage flowed through my veins. I wanted to shout back at her.


Show, don't tell. Show the reader the boiling blood coursing through her veins, and the heat rising to her face. Don't tell the reader that Kelsy is mad, tell them that she clenched and unclenched her fists under the desk.

You really don’t have to be a botany teacher to love nature, but all I would’ve wanted right now is just go home, but I really couldn’t do that now, so I just nodded and positioned myself back in my seat.


This is a really long sentence and a handful of words to read without a period. Maybe separate it at "...but all I would've wanted right now is to just go home. I really couldn't do that now, so..."

When I heard the school bells chiming, I packed up, and walked towards the doorway.


Second comma is needed.

I had a tough day with my eyes battling between the window and my books, but Thank God the day ended.


The thank god in this case actually doesn't need to be capitalized. You are not referring to God directly.

“So Puachan huh”, he started, “my grandma’s from there too.”


I commented on a very similar sentence before but I'll say it again. Comma inside the quotation marks, and period after started. Capitalize the m in my when the next quotations start, and you want to put commas in so it reads "So, Puachan, huh," Second comma is kind of optional?

He threw a smile and glanced at his watch and hastened to the main gate shouting: ”Let’s catch up later Kelsy, I’ve got something really important to do.”


I'm going to point this out, and tell you that there are about 3 things wrong with it. Let's see if you can get it. 1) The and's. "and glanced... and hastened." You can either make two sentences or insert commas. 2)"Let's catch up later, Kelsy," commas. More commas. 3) "shouting:" No... nope. Sorry, no. It's a comma :) I know it's hard, English is hard. My grammar isn't spot on either.

Okay, good job! I like where this story is going. It's only the beginning and I'm intrigued. I will warn you now that this is kind of heading in a cliche path of like every single high school book ever written. Try and change thing's up. Make it a little original. I could be wrong, but just another suggestion. These were all suggestions. My main issues were spacing and commas. Other than that, this was very good!

I hope this review was helpful :smt001




Lily708 says...


Thanks a ton skylnn00writes.....Imma use a couple of dos suggestions.:)



Lily708 says...


Hey, all good now?;)





No problem, glad I could help. Yes, better :smt001




Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.
— Ann Landers