I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right section. I wrote this twice, this is the original version of chapter one.
(WORK IN PROGRESS! JUST POSTING FOR THOUGHTS AND REACTIONS!)
The snow was falling lightly and it was only about forty five degrees. My scarf was tied softly around my neck and my glove covered hands were hiding away in the pockets of my winter coat. I love having the snow rest into my hair and it was doing so. I had my Abercrombie bag strap resting on my shoulder and I was beginning to walk past the buses when I heard my name being called. "Cass! Cass over here!" I turned my head back slightly and smiled softly at the girl running over. As she caught up, I began to walk again. "Hey Val. Walking with me today?" The snowfall was leaving a few layers now on the sidewalk now, so my boots made a slight crunch as they pressed into the snow.
"Yeah, deli before heading to your house. Anywho, that test today by Mr. G was mad hard! Did you see Cash? He barely finished, and he has to keep his grades up for basketball." I rolled my eyes. Could his parents not thinking of a better name? His family happened to be wealthy and his name was Cash, it can be ironic and it can be showing off your money. "..and for Football in fall, baseball in spring. I'm surprised one of his tutors wasn't there helping him."
I heard Valerie chuckle and her hot breath showed in the air. We were already past most of the buses when I felt a tight pain in my chest. I pulled my hand out and held my chest as I looked around. I only noticed students walking onto buses and into their cars. A black car was speeding past all the students cars, Johnny obviously. But I could not explain my pain just yet. Then I realized what was going to happen. "Cash..." The words come out like a trance and before I knew it, I heard his car screeching as he pressed down on his car breaks. His car hit two others and a bus, with his body flying forward and blood splattered all over the interior and glass.
I slowly opened my eyes with tears streaming down my face. I reached out to my bedside table and switched on my lamp. I sat up grabbing my robe from the foot of my bed. I stepped off my bed, putting my robe on over my pajamas. My parents were lucky to find this place, four bedrooms - two being guestrooms. My room had a bathroom, which was just great. I flipped the switch in my bathroom and looked at the girl my mirror. I sighed as I poured water into a cup. I took out an Advil and swallowed, drinking the water.
I didn't believe my dreams were fair, but unless I wanted to perform scenes from the Exorcist - I was stuck with my shitty ass life. I turned off the bathroom light and went back to bed, leaving the light on to scare away my inner demons.
In the morning, I was pretty distant from my parents. I sat at the kitchen table eating my scrambled eggs and toast without a word. I finished my breakfast, along with my orange juice before either of them spoke. "Cass?" I sighed as I placed my plates in the sink before turning around to seeing my mother. "What's wrong sweetie? I heard you wake up in the middle of the night and your lamp was on since then." I couldn't tell them the truth. I was already seeing a psychiatrist and they'd have me committed if I brought up my nightmares again.
"Just a silly dream that scared me. I uh imagined that I was having tea with Nana, it felt so real.. I didn't think it was fair for my mind to play with me like that." My mother stood up and pulled me into a hug. She whispered to me softly before letting go. "Aww baby, I know you took it real hard when Nana died. But, she's always with you. Now go get ready, you'll be late."
I nodded without saying a word and walk up the stairs to my room. I ran my hand through my long, light brown hair. I walked into my room and headed straight to my bathroom. I took my electric toothbrush and put toothpaste onto it and brushed for about two minutes. I sighed as I looked at the slowly appearing bags underneath my eyes, I don't get much sleep anymore. I turned on my mini stereo in the bathroom and put on "Hysteria" by Muse. I sighed turning my flat iron on as I brushed the tangles out of my hair.
I straightened my hair everyday, making it perfectly, pin straight. It was naturally wavy and I never understood how I left my hair like that almost all my life. I walked out of the bathroom and searched my closets for an outfit. I removed my winter coat and scarf from the closet and laid them out on my bed. I pulled out some light denim blue jeans and a yellow sweater. I was pulling off my pajamas when my phone vibrated on my text. I looked out the screen, Valerie. I quickly read the text and rolled my eyes. I had ten minutes until she'd arrive to my house. I dressed quickly and looked in my dresser for socks and my gloves. I pulled my Uggs out from underneath the desk opening for my chair. I sat on my bed as I put my socks and Uggs on. I tucked my jeans into the Uggs and looked into my full length mirror. I was a normal, popular teen in her Junior year of High School with more problems than any Emo child in the High School. I sighed and put on my coat, scarf, and gloves. I grabbed my Abercrombie school bag, iPod, and Voyager cell phone and headed downstairs. As expected, Valerie was waiting at the front door. "See you mom" I called as I quickly went outside.
I dug my hands into my pockets as I walked down the sidewalk with Val. She and I have been doing the same routine for years now. She'd come over to my house in the morning and we'd walk together to the street deli and then to school. It was a custom of ours. I felt the snow from last night crunch under my boots. It was God knows how could out, but I was use to it living in Vancouver since I was little. I was only four years old when I moved from Ottawa.
I opened up the door to the deli and heard the small bell ring as we entered. I knocked some snow off of my boots as I headed toward the coffee area. I got myself a medium cup and hit Hot Chocolate on a machine which offered it along with coffee and other hot drinks. I put a top on the cup and headed to the counter where Val was waiting with her drink. We paid and I didn't say a word as we walked out and toward our school.
I sipped my chocolate before Val spoke. "Another dream, Cass?" I sighed as she mentioned my dream. I didn't need to say anything, she just knew. I nodded softly as I continued in the snow. She rubbed my back and softly spoke, "It'll get better. Your strong." I nodded again - the day was to be horrible. If I saw him I knew I'd just crack. I sighed finishing up my hot chocolate. We crossed the street to the school and smiled softly at
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi LilliexAnnuh! I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer for today.
So, why is all the dialogue in bold? There doesn't seem to be any good reason for it, they're not yelling or it's not someone super-special that's talking. It's just regular dialogue, there's no need to bold it. Oh, and another thing with the dialogue. Usually, one paragraph per person talking. Like this...
"Bob," said Sharon. "I think we're in an example."
"I think we are too," Bob replied.
"But why?" Sharon asked.
"Because the reviewer requires us," Bob said.
Anyways, you get my point. Break up your dialogue in a similar manner, it makes the whole work easier to read.
Snow and forty five degree weather don't go together. In order for it to snow, the temperature must be below freezing. And, temperature in Canada is measured in Celsius, so the freezing point would be zero. And, I've been to Vancouver myself during the winter and found it not too cold. But, since I went for only a few days, I asked a Canadian about it. She told me that Vancouver rarely gets cold enough for snow during the winter, and that it's usually not all that bad as far as temperature goes. So, either get rid of the cold and snow altogether, or remark that cold and snow is unusual for Vancouver.
The dash in the first sentence here doesn't make any sense. Turn the comma after fair into a period, then capitalize but as the start of a new sentence, and turn the dash into a comma. Also, shitty ass is not a good description. Beware of using loaded language like that too close together. If you were to just say shitty life, it would probably be all right. Not as fine, as usually you can describe something without resorting to such loaded language, but it could work. Also, remind us that the light she's leaving on is the lamp beside her bed. I got confused here and wondered how she was turning a light off and yet leaving it on.
I feel like pointing out a couple of errors here. First, high school shouldn't be capitalized, unless you specify which kind of high school, like say "Angsty Characters with Independent Streaks High School." Then high school should indeed be capitalized.
Also, emo is not capltalized. Ever. Unless it's at the beginning of a sentence. But still.
Okay, I think that's all of the little things. There are a few big things that I need to point out though. One, what makes Cass's dreams so special? Lots of people have horrible nightmares, from a variety of different sources. Some people have been in horrible wrecks, others have lost loved ones in traumatic ways, others have been in wars, and others have just been really frightened by TV shows when they were younger. You seem to be setting up Cass's nightmares to be caused by some outside, probably supernatural force. But that's not what's coming across. What's coming across is that these dreams are happening to her simply because life hates her and it is "oh so horrible boo hoo." That's not workable. Overly-angsty characters are tiresome to read. This is one plot point you need to fix.
As for the other characters, there's not much to say. They're kind of boring and flat, as a previous review has already remarked upon. Give them some life and free them from a cardboard cut-out existence. Also, Cass and Cash as names for characters isn't going to work. They sound too similar and can get confused easily. Change one, so as to make it easier for the readers.
So, one more thing. Everything in this story seems set up for a certain mood, one that will be dark and brooding, most likely. Horrible dreams to start it off, setting the story in Vancouver, British Columbia, famous for depressing weather, saying that not even the emos have it as rough as the main character. Why? Is there really a true need for the story to be this dark right smack dab at the beginning? If it ends up being dark and brooding, that's fine. But you need to build up to it. Most people will not read something that's dark and full of angst right at the first chapter. They need to build up to it, to have it given to them in small doses before they can start eating it in big bites. Portion out the woe, and it will be a much better story.
That's all I've got for today. Give me a PM if you have any questions. Good luck.
-Conrad Rice
Okay, first of all let me say that your story is very interesting and I loved it before you hate my guts after the corrections.
Why did you put all of the quotes in bold? I'm not saying that it's bad but I'm just really curious.
I agree with hans-jensenGE on this one, it's very distracting and unnecessary.
I don't like the way this sounds, it just seems... awkward. Also, it's not the best opening I've read, you should probably try to fix it. Maybe you could try:
It may not be the best example ever but it is better than what you had before. Also, you need to put a hyphen between forty and five.
I think it would sound better if you said:
Who? What? When? Where? Why?
I like the grammar you used when they were speaking to each other, using nick-names and such. I also like the way you made it seem like Valerie just chatters away, paying no attention to see if the person she's speaking to is actually listening.
Sorry if I ripped it to shreds.
... Um. Did you accidentally post half of a chapter and not notice? It cuts off. In the middle of a sentence.
I'll start with the negative, and then go to positive. First of all, don't put all dialogue in bold. It's distracting and unnecessary. Dialogue should be it's own paragraph. There are a few other technical errors that I'm sure you'll catch with a quick readover. Always edit before posting.
Description. We need more description. Try to get the reader to actually see it. 'Snow was falling'. That's kind of a flat sentence. Tell us how the snow is falling, what it looks like, feels like, reminds her of. The story is flat without that kind of description. The kids too. You need to describe them in more than what they're wearing, and more than what they look like. What ARE they like?
Characters. Flat. Try to give the characters dimension. What do they like? What do cheese quesadilla's remind them of? Do they hate the snow or love it? What is their favorite thing to do? Do they like anything? Even people in pain experience peace and joy at some point. Don't let them be flat. Let us know about them, understand them, love them.
The little beginning flashback needs to be in italics, so that we know it's a flashback. And everything needs to be a little clearer.
The positive is that you obviously have some talent, and that you are capable of telling a compelling story with an interesting plot. With a little editing, this could be really great.
GO MAKE IT WONDERFUL.
Toodles.