It all started with a note, a letter hidden in their tree, high above the ground but not above her reach...
It was a letter, penned in his hand. A letter of sadness and desperation, a letter proclaiming his love for the lost gothic girl he pushed away...
The letter brought her to tears, as she imagined him crying as he wrote it in the dark of his room, lost in candle light, hiding it away from the troll that has imprisoned him within the confines of her cement home...
The letter talks about the past they shared, the nights they spent on the basketball court beneath the endless abyss of stars, and the love that passed between them so long ago. It talks about how he longs to be free of the chains that now bind his feet...
She holds the letter close to her heart and whispers his name in the dark, knowing he can't hear her but hoping to lend him strength through the power of her love, and she thinks of what to write back, of what to put in the letter to hide in the tree...
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
hi there
This is a nice piece. Lots of meaning in a short amount, which is nice for the typical ADD reader (*cough* that's me).
I like the fact that this is written in third person, present-tense. It creates a better feel for me.
I did think, though, it was a bit strange that the piece didn't describe much about the characters. The whole ordeal with the troll was entirely noted in the description, so reading it with that in mind, it made it kind of confusing. If you want the story of the troll in there, I would suggest making the piece a bit less abstract and describe how your MC is captured in the first place, and all that.
However, in my opinion, I like the piece as is. I would eliminate the idea of a 'backstory' with a troll and give it more of a poetic feel...
Keep it centered on the core of the piece: love.
Does that make any sense? My thoughts are a bit scattered today.
You are a very good writer. Things are very well-worded and can be read quite beautifully.
Keep it up
~iron.n
Hello, Lilith. Margo here for a review.
Great idea! A romance between a goth girl and a troll. That's a new one for me! I bow my metaphorical topper to your creativity.
I do believe you could expand upon this idea. Tell me about the girl and how she met this troll. It's not everyday one comes across a troll walking down the street. How did they fall in love? Why is it that these two are doomed to never be together? It sounds as though the troll has been imprisoned. But why? How? There are too many unanswered questions! Unsanswered questions drive readers bonkers! I think it would be neat if you began the story with the contents of the letter.
Let me know what you decide to do with this. The idea is intriguing. You just need more of a story.
Again, I commend your creativity.
--MS
this is the beginning of what I hope to turn into a book in the end. I will work on the characters and more of a past, thank you for the review