This was just a little something I cooked up yesterday and I hope you like it.
----
When Death Kissed the Moon
“It’s been nearly a century since any goddesses set foot in my woods. So why are you here, Lena?” Darius appeared from behind the skeleton of a willow tree. His chest was bare, exposing the delicate pattern of scars that marred his flesh.
Lena hovered, her lips only inches from his and for a moment, he could have sworn she was going to kiss him. It wouldn’t have been the first time he had touched the lips of a goddess but never Lena’s. No, she was the Moon after all. The only one he couldn’t have and the only one he had ever wanted.
“Don’t tell me you weren’t expecting me, Death. I knew I would have to pass on eventually. I don’t think that this one will heal itself.” She stepped back and removed a strip of cloth from her abdomen. Fresh blood stained her porcelain flesh, or at least what was left of it.
“I always assumed I would have to hunt you down and drag you through the veil,” Darius replied with a knowing smile. Lena looked him up and down. He appeared so young to be so old. Icy blue eyes glistened in an angelic face, framed by ink black hair. How long had he lived in the darkness of the Old Woods?
He turned away and pressed his palm to the hollow remains of the willow tree. “They say that this place used to be alive, but that was a time long before my own. That was the time when we had control of our destinies and humans danced through the veil by there own means. People like you and me, we weren’t needed.”
“Those are stories, nothing more,” Lena whispered. She moved closer and stood by his side.
“Not all stories are simply make-believe.” He grabbed her wrist and pressed her palm against the willow’s remains. “Do you feel it?”
Lena did feel something. A moment’s murmur, then nothing. She drew her hand away and folded her fingers together over her stomach.
“Now and then, it reminds me of why I’ve never left.”
“Darius, it’s my time. I was eventually meant to pass on. I’m sure one day, your time will come. Besides, they’ve already replaced me up there,” Lena said, smiling and looking up, expecting to see a night sky, before remembering that this place hadn’t been blessed with moonlight.
“You could stay, you know?”
“I don’t want to.” Her words were sharp and sudden. She sighed and set a hand on his shoulder. “Please…I know you’ve been alone for so long but this isn’t my place. I’ve waited seven thousand years to pass through the veil. Don’t make me wait any longer.”
“Of course.”
He lowered his gaze. They stood face-to-face, lips just inches apart. It was Lena who forced her lips against his. His eyes widened but he didn’t resist her.
And she faded like mist, tracing the scars on his chest as she disappeared.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
woooo! I got creative and spent the evening putting together my first youtube video...based on this short story. I posted it about *looks at watch* 5 minuets ago but I figured it would be good to annouce it to anybody who was extremely fond of the story.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PO98yPONrJc
That was amazing I love stories like that! You did a wonderful job! You wrote it wonderfully just give a bit more of the characters feelings and it will be amazing! Great job!
This is just really awkwardly phrased. It's just ... awkward, you know. I think you could take it one of two ways ("he had kissed the lips of a goddess, but never Lena's" or "it wasn't the first time he had touched the lips of a goddess, but he had never kissed Lena's").
Death, Darius, what? If she literally is the moon, and he literally is death, why not just call them that?
I'm getting Harry Potter vibes. It's not a bad thing and JKR didn't invent the veil, but keep in mind that people might draw that connection.
So, if she really is the moon('s personification), is this an environmental message? Like, we've replaced the actual moon with artificial lights/satellite? (If so, it might be worth knowing that they supposedly considered testing atomic weapons on the moon; if that is the message here, that'd be something you could work in.) Likewise, has the idea of the moon been somehow supplanted from it's place in popular culture? (Or am I reading too much into this.)
That's all for specifics, but some things to consider: dialogue - how natural/modern do you want them to speak? Who are these people? It would be really nice if you expanded on their characters so we'd know more about them and their situation. How is she the moon? How is he death? When she says he will someday "die" too, does that mean people will do away with death the way I'm thinking they've done away with the moon?
Beautifully done!
I know I am going to sound like a broken record as most people have already said this but you seem like a very natural writer. The flow of this piece and the language was just so realistic and normal....it drew me in from the beginning. I was hooked the moment I read the first sentence.
I must say I was very dissapointed by the length...but I guess that is just me because I have a nack for writing and reading long stories. But on the other hand, the abruptness of the ending and the last few sentences really made the story even more beautiful.
I really have no complaints so a thumbs-up to you.
Also...I think this story deserves a Gold Star!
Great Job and Keep Writing!
Okay, I'm really shocked to see that people are still reading this after almost 4 months. That's amazing. And I want to thank everyone for their helpful and encouraging comments.
deafwriter_19~I don't know if you meant Victorianish in a good way or a bad way but I use those flowery proses and cliches because they are a part of my style as a writer. And she doesn't hate him at the end. She loves him but she's lived so long that all she wants is to see the end. And for me, death has always been young and lively with that vampirish feel, never the normal grim. Also, what you said about Lena's appearance. I guess I never described her physicals but she was actually envisioned with brown hair and green eyes. Anyway, thanks for the comment.
hankesj~That little snippet was actually one of the hardest because I really wanted it too convey a powerful message to the reader without being lengthy. So I'm glad you liked it.
Sorsha2~Some of the sentances were written to appear awkard to show the tension between the two characters. I don't always like everything to be smooth and refined. Flaws can make a peice of writing worth reading.
lhighton~This peice is under romance because it just felt right here, at least for me. The characters and location were of the fantasy catagory but the plot was of the romantic nature.
Anyway, i say good day.
A hauntingly beautiful story, Lilith! It's like one of the short stories from the 'Sun, Moon and Stars' book I had years ago. I'd love it if you had illustrated this (it needs pictures, I think) and had it as an attachment. Sorry, I'm new, so I don't know if that is possible. It just belongs in one of those whimsical books for adults that never truly grew up.
There is little else left to say. Only, shouldn't this be in fantasy? (Actually, I'm always put off from reading fantasy, so I wouldn't have come across it otherwise)
All in all, 8/10. Doesn't it seem terribly sterile to rate like that? :'l
Okay. I REALLY enjoyed this piece.
There were a couple of scentences that felt a little awkward but as a whole it was beautiful and intriguing.
I was listening to a song called 'Hov Arek Sarer Jan' by New Age Armenia and its eerie just how perfect the music seemed to flow with this story. Kinda gave me chills
Anyhow. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I would brush it up a little bit more and perhaps consider submitting it for a short story somewhere.
I really enjoyed this piece. The way i imagined it was almost a cross between Ferngully-ness and mythical characters.
You are a natural writer and it shows in this piece. I did not notice any grammatical errors, but seeing as how that is not my forte, I probably wouldn't have noticed if there were!
I love love love this line. It has such a resounded truth in it.
Great job. Keep writing!
This was overall a very good story! But your writing seems kind of Victorian here. Victiorian means a lot of flowery prose and some cliches. I loved the tension between the characters...It was apparent by the way that they spoke.
But if she doesn't like him, why does she kiss him at the end? You need to make it more clear for doofuses like me.
I liked the image of Death! I see so many stories where Death is a skeleton that it was refreshing to see him in something new--something vampiric, and vampires symbolize living death so...good job!
I do think that for Lena, the moon goddess, it is a bit cliche and vague. Maybe give her porcelain skin and then dark hair and dark eyes--for the blackness of night or something like that. And besides, not all goddesses have to be gorgeously perfect. Maybe you can give her scars that symbolize craters--you choose.
Grade: B-
DeafWriter
This was very wonderfully written! I didn't know what to expect when I read the title but I enjoyed it a lot! (:
First off, i want to say thanks since at first, i figured no one would even read this but yeah. Now on to my main reason for this little post.
It actually did flow very naturally. The idea worked itself out while I stared at this guys knee on an hour long bus ride. All I had to do was type it out. Took me very little to write and I only had a few editing problems to fix in the end.
But I didn't add so much description to the surroundings because I wanted this to be very character based as opposed to most of my writing where I rest to much on my scenary.
Actually, its the story that matches the title. I came up with the title and then wrote the story.
I'd be delited to PM you when I write something else and I only hope it will hold a candle to this.
I have no issues with this piece, which says a lot as I am a "grammar Nazi"
However, i thought that this was delightful!If you could PM me when you write something else, I would love to read it!
I really enjoyed this. The title fits perfectly with this story. Loved it!!!
Hello.
I have a few things I want to say. First of all, you are a very good writer. I don't know if you worked really hard on this simply because of the fact that the words seem to flow so nicely so I would guess that you are more of a natural writer.
The only advice I would give is to describe the scenery a little more. I can picture the characters really well, but as far as the scenery and what is going on around them, I have a harder time seeing that.
Keep writing!
Wow!
This is very well written.
I love the ending. I can just picture her fading away only moments after their lips have touched.
I really enjoyed this piece! I think that you worked really hard on it and I loved it! Don't stop writing! This is totally unique and sort of a new and untouched topic. 0(o.o)0