I want to jump off a mirror into a pit of shadow
Where dust is dawn and light is dark.
The sky is clouded by disparate,
A conscious decision by all gods.
Chains that link and bind all souls,
Spinning songs and stories.
The lights are off in my head
But on in my arms.
Warm embraces coddle the young,
And tell the old to live.
Live and go on for good and forever,
Why can’t we just stop.
Stop this pain and violence,
The kind that kills and destroys.
We live, learn, and die.
Just live, learn, and die.
If this is a bad poem, tell me. I nver tried to spell check it or anything. I was just trying to do english homework and this happened instead.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Hmmm...yes indeed, I liked it. Hold on, lets just go all out here- count me as one of the reviewers who adored it.
You might find it helpful to print out this critque as a fan letter. Hehe. But seriously, if this is the only poem we will get out of you, I feel rather sad. Sad because I'd like to hear more of your work and depressing because my poems are shockingly bland.
So back to your poem. What can I say? I'd start by changing the title. It's bringing it down.
My favourite line was:
But the whole poem was good- strong start, gripping middle and great ending.
Bravo!
Eimear
That title was horrendous!
At least put in an A/N that is the only poem I'll hear from you, not as the title, please!
Now on to the review!
It was okay. I didn't particularly like it much, but don't take my word for it, apparently others adore this.
One thing I really liked was how... *trying to fing right word*... raw it was. Those emotions were out and opened up to me.
What I didn't like was so unorganized it was. I felt it lacked structure. You jump from one thing to next without elaborating. Try smoother transitions.
I also like your word choice. Keep that up,.
Hope you got that English homework done!
THis is really nice. I wish it wasn't your only poem.
The emotion and indirectness is nice and the slight confusion it provides keeps my attention wonderfully. Kudos to you.
I don't know why you don't like writing poetry, but it's your choice. I really enjoyed this piece because I can feel the emotion. Excellent.
that was not a bad poem! i loved it!
although there were a few mistakes.
your amazing! please write more poems!
Warm embraces coddle the young,
And tell the old to live.
Live and go on for good and forever,
Why can’t we just stop.
for some reason i espcially liked this stanza =)
though, is it suppose to be..
Warm embraces and cuddles the young, ?
awesome poem!
keep it up darlin!
You know, Lilith, I don't think this was a bad poem at all! I hope you could keep writing poems, and what I love most about this is the fact that it just came out of you especially if you don't usually write poems. That's how you regocnize a real poem: it just has to come out.
Real good work here, don't stop. The ending is great, and I like the words "a conscious decision" ; it's fun to say.
Keep up
Demeter
This was a strong poem. You came in and threw all your pain and anger on it. That's what I like about it.
Everyone pretty much said what I wanted to say so I don't want to sound like a broken record
This is absolutely amazing.
I would file it under "favorite soulful poetry" in my books.
It's really creative and I was so into it from the very first beautifully written artistic line.
I can't believe you don't write much poetry to post on here...
you definitly should.
I absolutely loved this piece.
The first line drew me in automatically like bait to a fish. I was hungry and your poem left me bloated.
I was just amazed at some of the issues you brought up in such romantic ways.
There was one little tiny line however I felt could have been changed:
Why can’t we just stop.
No suggestions as to what to do with it.
It's very good for the piece but I don't know, it works either way. Gettings rid of it or keeping it, this poem is still wonderful..
This is great.
If you post any more poetry please please please PM me with the link.
I would LOVE to crit it.
10/10
(and I'm not just usually this nice. I can be quite harsh really)
Are you sure this is "The only poem you will ever get out of me ever." because I think it was overall quite good. Don't give up if you think you suck or you'll never succeed. If everybody did that, we'd still live in caves and communicate with grunts.
Strong concept and some great lines. I dont think it flowed particularly well - maybe as your ideas were quite scattered. I'd like to see some clearer links between the first and last stanzas to tie your ideas together.
Last stanza wasn't as strong as the rest - I felt like you were trying to simplify your concept and get your point across quickly. More subtlty will make it much more powerful. I also think the final repetition didn't do much.
Overall i quite enjoyed it though, so good work.
A nice starting stanza, in the second line I think you mean "dusk" instead of "dust". I don't see the connection between the mirror and a pit of shadows, what does the mirror have to do with anything?
What are you going for here? Is it lights off in your head, as in you no longer are thinking yet your body is working. If that's the case I think it works fine, I just wanted to clarify.
This line reads a bit awkwardly, I'm supposing that by "for good" you're meaning forever, not actually being good. The problem is that it just doesn't come out right.
The ending is good, I don't quite see how you've progressed from that first stanza to this, they don't seem very closely related. I think that it's a nice poem and you have a good idea for your poem here. I think that if you took some more time on it and maybe expanded a little you would have a very nice piece.