Published April 24, 2007
The Devil’s Walk. I stared up at the sign overhead. No matter how many times I saw it, it never ceased to thrill me. The Words were embossed into the surface as flames shot into the air. Slowly, I approached the entrance.
When the sign hung over my head, I let hand seductively and luxuriously graze across the metal poles that supported the red and orange neon sign.
This street, unlike the one before hand, was fairly empty though I could see several larger clusters of people, most in only groups of three, were scattered on the road.
Then there was me, a homely, impish girl. To them I was a street rat living a life of solitude though out the night. But they shouldn’t have second guessed me. I had my family and my friends. They were like me. Wandering souls.
A cluster of punks stood under the warmth of the sign stared at me with cold eyes. I kept my head held high but let my hips sway.
The way I walked must have made me look even stranger still, dressed in clothes two sizes too big, my red hair in knots, and my feet bare. Still, I knew I caught everyone’s attention as I sauntered off down Devil’s Walk.
Grey brick warehouses, each apparently empty, lined the street. Yet I knew better and after walking past Wilkes & Witter’s, a building that had once been filled with furniture, I turned into the alley. It was quite a sad though to think about, knowing that something so large in size could be forgotten so easily.
I walked carelessly down the unlit passage. The other side had been barricaded off after the warehouses had been deemed unsafe. Reports of “accidental” deaths had been at an all time high and the citizens, most on the opposing streets, had jostled the city into the act. However, they had refused to block off the main road.
Then like that, a guy showed up, a runner for the underground most say, and the place was dubbed Devil’s Walk.
I found the small service entrance into Beckworth law firm where thousands of files had been stored before the firm had been closed and the files destroyed.
My hand reached up and I rapped against the door. A narrow window opened and two eyes peered out at me, each a deep brown.
“Password,” he demanded in his falsetto, not even remotely threatening voice.
I shuffled through my mental list before answering, “Minister.”
“Oh, it’s you Amelia. I almost didn’t recognize you,” the man replied as he opened the door and let me into the small unlit room.
I looked him over as I always did. He was a tall man though he had nothing for a neck. Like his eyes, his eyes, his hair was a dark brown and he wore a tattered maroon fedora over the mess.
“How’s Marcella,” I asked.
“She’s doing well, thank you. Just got over a bout with the flu. Anyhow, Boss told me to send you to his office if you showed up. He knows you too well.”
“That he does.”
(this is just part 1. I need to finish typing the other half.)
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Pretty sure you mean: gaze?
‘before hand’ is supposed to be one word, right? Since most of these people are in groups of three, it isn’t really ‘larger clusters’, is it? ‘scattered on the road’, there’s something wrong with that, I’m sure, do you mean they were all over the place rather than ‘on’?
‘though out’ = throughout?
You could do with commas in the sentence above, maybe something like: A group of punks, standing under warmth of the sign, stared at me with cold eyes.
See suggestion, also, the underlined sentence is confusing.
See suggestion.
See quote.
Question mark if she ‘asked’.
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Hello Lilith!
I think the lettering on the sign should be capitalised.
Something to think about is to continue the flow you have without going into detail what she did, meaning you don’t always have to have ‘walked’ all the time as it is mentioned often, and also:
‘My hand...’ is unnecessary as we know that’s what she’s use to knock on the door; unless she had a stick/cane then it would work.
An interesting beginning and I see you’ve got the next part up so I’ll add final comment with that.
-- Myth
The his eye, his eyes was just a typo.
I'll say this again to clarify.
Part 2 is up.
Well, there shall be no boxes for you today(from me anyways)!
So, shall we begin?
First of all, near the end you said, his eyes, his eyes. Didn't make any sense, it was probably just a typo.
Other than that, you haven't really told me much about what is going on, which I guess is fine because the first chapter isn't done yet.
So, seeing as this is just the beginning, there isn't much to say, which is a good thing, so keep writing! I look forward to reading more of your work!
-JC
I wanted to just explain.
A runner is sort of like a gopher. They do work for orginizations as hired hands sort of. ANd to clear up another thing on the alley.
Say the alley runs north and south. Well, devils walk would be on the south and the North end of the alley is blocked off.
Hello! Just a few comments:
What is the Devil's Walk? I gathered it was a street, but if I was judging it by the description of the magnificent sign, I'd say it was a theme park entrance...? Could'ja clarify me?
The other side of what?? The alley? Like Fabien, I also don't have a clue what an underground runner is. And why does him showing up have anything to do with the street being called "Devil's walk". I'm hoping this will all be explained in your next installment.
You might want to take that extra "his eyes"
Anyways, despite not knowing what on earth this story is about, your description and style is very promising. I'll be critting part 2...
-Kylan
Your title should read "The Devil's Walk" you've forgotten the apostrophe.
In the opening paragraph, "The Words were embossed...", the 'W' should be lowercase.
In your second paragraph, " I let hand seductively and luxuriously" 'my' is missing between let and hand.
I like the descriptions you used in your fourth paragraph, they really help set up the feel of the whole scene.
In the 7th paragraph, "It was quite a sad though to think about," you've forgotten the second 't' in thought.
Paragraph nine is confusing as I don't understand what the term 'runner' means. Plus it starts off a bit awkward. Perhaps if it a 'just' was added, to make it: "Then just like that". Anyway as a reader's point of view this part seems to mess up the flow, I had to reread it, but I'm still a tad perplexed.
Overall. You've got good descriptions of the surroundings and the characters. You painted the scene well and I can see it as if I was walking down the street myself, I'm looking forward to the second half.