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Young Writers Society



Never Had It

by Lilith


I took the criticisms from the original found here: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic31936.htmland dug deeper into the story that I was trying to tell. I'm sure it needs some improvements so please tell me.



I loved you once,
when you weren't afraid to hold my hand
or say that you would be my man
It didn't matter what people said
cause no matter what, I never fled.

Yes, I loved you once,
spending nights on the hood of your car
willing to spend forever counting stars
and dreaming of being someplace else...
We needed to be someplace else.

You know, I loved you once,
but you couldn't return the favor.
You said that we could have no forever.
And I was to blind to see the truth:[url][/url]
I was there I never loved you.

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61 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 61

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Mon Jun 23, 2008 1:36 am
Ringo_rules987 wrote a review...



This isn't bad, by any means. There were some good elements in there, but you had a few blunders in there as well that need fixing.

First, the lack of punctuation. Like in the first stanza, you need a period after the third line. When you only punctuate the last line of a stanza when you have multiple complete thoughts you end up in a bit of a ramble, but punctuation is easy enough to fix.

I think you need a tad more description and imagery, it would elevate the poem a bit more. I need to know what it's like knowing that this love was not meant to be. I need to feel the aching pain the character in the poem is feeling. It would help the poem tremendously to make more of an emotional connection to the reader. In the second stanza, use a metaphor for the stars and not just say they're stars. Like, "glitter in the heavens", make it more poetic.

On positive notes I thought the poem flowed well and you've got a good foundation for a good poem.

Hope this helps.





*surprised scream* Aaaaah, NaNo!
— spottedpebble