Published July 23, 2010
He was Adam, she was Evelyn. The jokes lived around them.
“Hey, Adam, can I come and visit your garden sometime?”
“Eve, you really shouldn’t be eating that apple.”
“Oh, a snake! Watch out you two!”
And, it’s true that if you looked at them from a distance, they did seem like the perfect couple. Made for the Earth; made for each other. He was tall and handsome, but only from afar. If you looked a little closer, you’d see that his eyes were too close together, his nose a little uneven. His hair never seemed to hang the right way, a frustrating trait that he had learnt, over the years, to live with.
She was no goddess, but pretty in her own way all the same. Her hair and eyes were both brown, her lips a chilli red. Her style was refreshing: skirts and stripy tights, and always a colourful top. She was strongly against black. Reminded her of The Dark Time, that time five years ago that only she knew about.
They were not popular people. He loved the Earth and was often distracted, caught up with the simple way the grass danced in the wind. And no, he was not ‘gay’, as was often the verdict. He simply looked at the world differently to most other humans.
She was attracted to the stars; how they made the dark of the night less powerful, less oppressive. They seemed like a million little torches, guiding her to wherever she wished to go.
“Our Evelyn, her head always in the stars…” Her parents would say, only half joking. It drove her mad every time. What was wrong with loving the sky?
They were polar opposites; and everyone knows that opposites attract.
That’s just the way things are.
They had been together for three years. Their relationship was a sweet one, more of a friendship than anything else. She did the talking, because he was close to mute. After an accident years ago that had badly affected his voice box, the words that came out of him were both limited and painfully high pitched.
Another thing to tease him about.
But he didn’t care. As long as Evelyn was there, her hand tucked around his.
But all that was before it happened.
That was before he killed someone.
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141,342 Literary Works • 674,360 Reviews
Good job. I like everything: the descriptions, the characters, the atmosphere of the story. I strongly recommend you change the ending, though. Maybe instead of saying that Adam killed someone, start writing about the day he killed someone. That way, you could add dialogue and action, and hook the readers to the story.
Beautiful writing, overall. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for the reviews, they helped a lot! I will correct it soon.
I might post more of this, when I have more time - and that's a good point you made, Abigail. I will try to follow up with the names.
Thanks for the advice!
~ Lilicia
You are going to post more of this, correct? I mean, you must post more of this! My main question is: do the characters' names have anything to do with the story? You see, if you don't somehow tie this story in with the Garden of Eden and Eve picketh-ing the apple from the Tree of Knowledge and making women have pain in childbirth (yes, I know picketh-ing is not a word), then having them being named so will be pointless. I hope that made sense.
Hey Lilicia!
Interesting character names, with Adam and Eve. A decent premise to a story, but I think you need to fix a few things to make it great!
Elaborate! You can't say something as impacting as this and not elaborate on it.
This needs to be reworded because it sounds awkward. But I can understand what you're trying to say here
This part should be filled with emotions! Describe this accident, did it make their relationship stronger? What is Adam feeling? And Eve? Are they completely and totally in love with each other? etc.
I would try to end this better, like don't give away that Adam is going to kill a man. That's not very exciting to read if we already knew it was gonna happen! Lead some suspense to leave the reader hanging, but don't give them the whole thing.
I LOVED this part! I love the way you describe the stars and how Adam looks at the world differently. That was my big connection to the two characters.
Keep up the good work and PM me with any questions!
-Meaghan