Published July 21, 2009
The grass leaks
With emerald-green light
Which I savour tenderly
In my melting brown eyes
The sun cries
For all its lost,
For all its mourned,
In its crooked light
The birds sing
Their endless songs
Which kiss my ears
That mock me with their silence
My heart beats
My eyes search
My hands fiddle randomly
With my white dress
And suddenly he’s here,
Tearing my dress,
Scratching my face,
Kissing me until I can no longer breathe.
The shining silver on his finger
The tenderness of his face
The whisper into my ears
That can suddenly hear
It’s going to be alright
And then he’s gone,
Leaving me alone
Leaving me mourning
Endlessly waiting
For his return from the dead.
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141,257 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Cool Poem. I really liked the word choice.
I really liked how you added that. It was interesting, the poem that is. I liked the plot of the poem, it seemed like a solemn and ligh-hearted. Keep Up The Good Work. You Have good Poetry. I think thsi poem diserves a star.
Wow, this poem kind of scares me. Ha ha, no, it's beautiful. So simple, and yet...so mysterious. I particularly like the imagery, which is usually my favorite aspect of poem. I also love the ending, "back from the dead...", really leaves the reader hanging on a thread.
Very nice!
Over all an amazing poem, but
it just doesnt fit. You're using soft discriptive words for the rest of it and then "fidde randomly" just sounds too blunt. I love the title. Tender Mourning really draws you in, and the poem keeps you hypnotised. It needs a little work, but excellent so far.Hi there.
I'm not a huge fan to be honest.
I do not really get it. A lot of lovely figurative language but the point is not there.
I dare say that you fluffed it up a bit. There are some sentences that don't have to be there.
But the good stuff
Nice flow and structure, nice whimsical language. very nice
Hiya there!
I thought that this poem had some lovely imagery - for example, the first three stanzas. However, I thought that the ending was a bit too abrupt - kinda jarring with the whole poem.
And another thing I noticed was the manner of punctuation. Some periods were absent. Is this intentional?
Anyway, not bad, just needs a bit cleaning up.
Keep writing!
Sounds like the set up for a Romero film.
Anyways.
It was very good, not even being curt, I loved how you composed each description and even added in some artistic contradiction, very good.
I'd have like to have seen a bit more of an expansion on the whole return theme other than its mention.
otherwise, good.
Drop the with, and come up with a different word than emerald -- most grass isn't emerald green really. I do like the idea of 'grass leaking light' a great deal, though. You could perhaps do something to convey the idea that the grass had turned the light green -- 'green-stained', or rather, something along those lines, but less clumsy, since I am not exactly thinking this through, while I hope you will be.
'Savour tenderly' is... weird. Savour will do well on its own. I'd also change 'in' to 'with' -- unless you're trying to compare your eyes to mouths, which could be interesting if you expanded on it. And describing your own eyes visually is strange: I'd suggest using a tactile description instead, maybe just 'my melting eyes', which conveys that liquid feeling eyes can get after too long in the sun, or so forth.
"Its mourned" is awkward; you might want to sacrifice the admittedly nice parallel structure, especially since crying for one's mourned is somewhat redundant. Play around with that. 'Crooked light', on the other hand, is really lovely.
I think there are adjectives that would do better than endless, which just doesn't sound good.
This doesn't make sense to me. The birds sing songs which kiss your ears but mock you with their silence? Or, the birds sing songs which kiss your ears, and your ears mock you with their silence? Neither is very... possible. Rewrite for clarity.
Could do with some commas here. Also, randomly is annoying, and fiddle less evocative a verb than it could be. 'My hands twist at the hem/ Of my white dress', or something.
I know you have some talent for imagery from what you've already written, and thus I know you can come up with something better to convey this wild embrace. SO DO IT. :'D Also, suddenly is an ugly adverb. Besides, the abruptness isn't convincing; she seems like she's waiting for something in the sketch of beautiful monotony the first few stanzas set up, so play on that. Ghosts aren't sudden; if they were, it wouldn't be haunting.
Again, commas are nice. Maybe 'the tenderness in his face' rather than 'of his face'.
In general, I think you should be a little more explicit. I assume the silver is a ring? You have a lovely list, but it needs to come to a point; what do the shining silver and the tenderness of his face and the whisper into your ears do to you? Do they combine to tell you it's all right? Or what?
Despite common colloquial usage of alright, this should really be all right. And come up with a prettier phrasing of this sentiment? It should be a let down, that fits the general tone and subject matter, the 'rinse and repeat' feel of the end, but it does not have to be cliche about its disappointing...ness. Er.
Slow this down, like his entrance. A fading presence instead of 'and then he's gone'. The words you repeat -- leaving, alone, mourning, endlessly -- are not interesting enough to work that well, and I'd suggest some variation on the expression of her grief. Also, mostly arbitrarily, 'awaiting his return from the dead' is nicer than 'waiting for his return from the dead'. Better yet, 'his next return from the dead', to confirm the feeling of weariness and mourning along with the love, which is conveyed so well.
Very nice! I like the obscurity, the questions it fills your mind with. "Who is he?" "Who is the narrator?" "Return from the dead?" "Whaat?" Its puzzling and thought-provoking, like something by Edgar allen poe.
On that note, like Poe, it also posseses a sense of... timelesness. The outside world kindof fades away as you read it, and everything is quiet and still. I love how it flows, how the words are formed, how its all so bizzare and yet... beautiful. Well-done!
The only thing that threw me off was the part about the sun crying. It took me a few read-overs to get what you were saying. If I were you, I would change "for all its lost"/"mourned" bits to "for all that its lost"/"mourned." That would make more sense. Then it would be more clear that the sun is crying for its losses. Yeah, I know, not really a big deal, but its really the only problem I could find. (Trust me, I read it like 7 times.)
I gotta go, so this might be an abrupt ending, but... its a really good poem!
God bless!
Mr. Realms
If this was your first serious piece of work in poetry,its a really good beginning.
The poem has really good imagery and the choice of words is also really simple.
What I could not understand was this:
The shining silver on his finger
The tenderness of his face
The whisper into my ears
That can suddenly hear
It’s going to be alright
And then he’s gone,
Leaving me alone
Leaving me mourning
Endlessly waiting
For his return from the dead.
Its a really fast and confusing transition that makes the poem a little incomplete.One moment he's with the narrator and the next he's dead.You should really think about revising the last stanza.
Overall,nice stuff.