Silent Chaos

Its not bad at all, but I feel that your trying to describe something very dramatic, powerful and fast very slowly. For example, "A sudden force threw me off my chair". I feel this should really be sudden. However, I think the beginning and ending are excellent.

I don’t critique nicely. I show out every flaw possible. Think I’m being unreasonable? I’m letters on a screen, remember that, before you insult or plead against me. I have nothing against you, and in that sense, we’re both neutral on the topic and quite cordial. Understand? No? Well, let’s pretend you do.
Besides, this is me playing nice. So let’s improve that ... creation.

The explosion Oh no! Explosions! That’s not cliché and never seen at the start of pieces at all! Seriously, find something much more immense than “explosion”. happened So bland. I don’t like “happened” it adds no real tension or scene that I can place in my mind. This doesn’t mean you smatter it with purple prose-y lavender either, just smash the sentence out of it. Only use it in the dire of the situation. This isn’t dire, before you ask. at mid-day.I prefer it when midday is married, not separated by a period -- choice of opinion on that one though.

The explosion happened at mid-day.

Get rid of "at". Its just an extra word, and makes the sentance longer than it should be.
Read this, and tell me if your advice is right. “The explosion happened midday”.

At first it was a lowLow, music wise is good. Low, writing wise is bad. Find something more ... intriguing. hum, something that everyone could hear, yet no one Praise be for you know how “no one” is put together! And for once, I’m not being sarcastic. pointed out Now, I can assure you, that at some point, a child would have said “what’s that noise?” whether it was a child or a teen or a college student. There’s always one. And a low hum doesn’t go unnoticed. Rule 1 of Plots: Everything you input must make sense, and be as realistic as possible. This doesn’t mean write a documentary, it means write sense as well as interest. . It was only when it became more fierce, more grinding Hums don’t become grinding. Grinding is a twisted noise, while humming is a flat one. Perhaps drone, is more of something that you’re looking for. Or even turn it into short, loud bursts, if you want to., that the whispering started. What’s that? People asked their friends. DoI like “can”, rather than do. You are then using an easier question motive, rather than imperative implication. Which is downright irritating. you hear it too?

The teacher’s expression became distracted Should’ve happened earlier. Judging safety records these days, they would’ve been out of the building by now ordered into lines. This is more of a general point and opinion than actually improving your story, so ignore this if you want. Oh, and distracted is more of a lightly perturbed phrase, at that stage, the average human would be experiencing either a) Curiosity and fear b) Fear c) Panic d) Annoyance or anger within ignorance. Think about PEOPLE, and think about SITUATIONS, and then think about REACTIONS. Importance about characters.. As the noise got louder, he slowly stopped teaching. Even the whispering stopped. Everyone was listening, even me. We didn’t feel fear, or even panic. Just confusion. No. You. Wouldn’t. You have some diabolical problems with emotions and reactions. Something you may want to investigate.What was that noise, Going for the short question effect? Then put a question mark there and not a comma. More air, more floatation. I don’t like being boxed in. and why was it bringing such silence with it?Paradoxical aura? Unfortunately, you just imploded that. You don’t use the paradox trick unless in a mixed metaphor, otherwise, it bogs you down. You use simple language, stick to simple tricks. This could include the comparative – a great and quick voice that can make your writing improve dramatically – or perhaps the obvious simile twist, which is where you can twist a metaphor into a simile. So, a short sentence becomes a longer one. Want more tricks, or confused by what I just said? Again, PM me.

At that moment, everyone in the class was one person. My “this-I’ve-seen-before” senses are tingling! The enemies, bullies, nerds, book worms. You just fill the conformist in yourself there, unfortunately, in the real word, nobody is a bully, a nerd, or a bookworm. Which, might I add, is one word. Cut it out entirely, you could just use “my friends, my enemies, my colleagues” if you need to go for that listing. At that moment, our thoughts were together. We were one. You were a cliché.

A sudden Never use suddenly or smaller segments of the word itself! Never! Don’t do it! You’ll kill my literary side! It’s a horrid word, for horrid sentences. And it shows how little thought you have, like the phrase “at the end of the day”. force threw me off my chair. My desk fell on the ground, making a splintering To take it literally, it’s making a “splitting” mark in the floor? Well, if something has just burst outwards, surely the floor would already be ruptured enough. That, and I doubt a desk could make a crevice like that. Dents, maybe. Scars, no. crack on the floor. And I wasn’t alone. All around me, chairs were falling, exercise books ripping. Their owners were either knocked to the ground or gripping onto unsteady objects, trying to dig their feet into the floor. If a sudden blast just shook the room, I doubt they would be hanging onto things, more likely that they would’ve been thrown against walls and so on.
Bit boring and predictable following the story.
But there were no screams. Deafened by the shock and in that sense of stasis? Ta-da! You’ve become a cliché!

The only sound was the grinding, now a series of deafening bangs. They were so loud that the sound was almost muted to our ears. Like how scorching sand feels cold on bare feet. Something that physics just can’t cope with.
Something that we can’t cope with.
I wanted to put my hands to my ears to block out the muted bangs, but my hand was trapped under something, and it wouldn’t move. Not feeling the pain I should have been feeling was even worse. It made me feel dead, senseless.
My eyes began to sting. All I could see was a bright red sparks, flying everywhere. Towards the whiteboard, the fallen desks. Towards me.
I suddenly became aware of how hot it was. My back, pressed against the floor, felt like it was on fire. My legs, curled up close to my body, were suddenly unbearable to live with. I would have done anything for them to be cut off, separated from me. Anything for the pain to stop.
The ashes flying around made it had to breathe. My mouth felt choked, my throat dry. I coughed and coughed, but the ashes had stuck fast inside me – and they refused to come out. The most horrible, burning pain soared up my throat. I couldn’t live like this. The pain was killing me. And still, the bangs kept coming, bring smoke smelling of burnt plastic and pallid flesh to my nostrils. Making me heave in disgust.
And slowly, wails filled my ears. Wails for it to stop. Wails for the pain to go away.
I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the destruction any more.
Not wanting to hear my screams.

Thank you for all the helpful comments
I've put the next chapter up, and, if you're interested, reviews would be useful!

Okay here is a review for you....I think that you should add some more description. More detail you know. And another thing, try adding some of your personality into the characters alright? Other than that, it's all good. It's all good!!!!! I hope that you continue writing. Enjoy writing if it is what you like. all you have to do is add yourself into the story. Your own personality. Don't tire yourself out from thinking about personality. I only said that so i could add thud guy!!! thud byee and good luck

I can't wait to see where your going with this. It's kinda good but you need to work on being more descriptive. Pretend your in your characters shoes. What would you do?

It's Amon here to do your first review. It has quite a lot of previous reviews so I'll do my best.

The explosion happened at mid-day.
At first it was a low hum, something that everyone could hear, yet no one pointed out. It was only when it became more fierce, more grinding, that the whispering started. What’s that? People asked their friends. Do you hear it too?
The teacher’s expression became distracted. As the noise got louder, he slowly stopped teaching. Even the whispering stopped. Everyone was listening, even me. We didn’t feel fear, or even panic. Just confusion. What was that noise, and why was it bringing such silence with it?
At that moment, everyone in the class was one person. The enemies, bullies, nerds, book worms. At that moment, our thoughts were together. We were one.

But there were no screams.

The only sound was the grinding, now a series of deafening bangs. They were so loud that the sound was almost muted to our ears.

The ashes flying around made it had to breathe. My mouth felt choked, my throat dry.

I coughed and coughed, but the ashes had stuck fast inside me – and they refused to come out. The most horrible, burning pain soared up my throat.

I couldn’t live like this. The pain was killing me. And still, the bangs kept coming, bring smoke smelling of burnt plastic and pallid flesh to my nostrils. Making me heave in disgust.

And slowly, wails filled my ears. Wails for it to stop. Wails for the pain to go away.

This is somthing I just started. I have a rough idea where I going with this, but I need it to be error-free first! Please help

The explosion happened at mid-day.

At first it was a low hum, something that everyone could hear, yet no one pointed out. It was only when it became more fierce, more grinding, that the whispering started. What’s that? People asked their friends. Do you hear it too?

As the noise got louder, he slowly stopped teaching.

Even the whispering stopped. Everyone was listening, even me.

My desk fell on the ground, making a splintering crack on the floor.

And I wasn’t alone. All around me, chairs were falling, exercise books ripping.

Like how scorching sand feels cold on bare feet. Something that physics just can’t cope with.

My legs, curled up close to my body, were suddenly unbearable to live with. I would have done anything for them to be cut off, separated from me. Anything for the pain to stop.

The ashes flying around made it had to breathe.

I coughed and coughed, but the ashes had stuck fast inside me – and they refused to come out.

And still, the bangs kept coming, bring smoke smelling of burnt plastic and pallid flesh to my nostrils.

Not wanting to hear my screams.

Lilicia wrote: Towards the whiteboard, the fallen desks. Towards me.

Hi! I saw this a couple of days ago when it had one review and I liked the look of it, so I bookmarked it and now I've got around to reviewing it! So here I am!
First of all, I really like your writing style. It has something inexplicable about it that is so easy to read. You have a very nice way with words, I think that's the best way of putting it, and your varied sentence structure works really well.

Therefore I have very little to say except for this was excellent as I didn't spot any typos, but I do have a couple extremely minor things to suggest to you.

Even the whispering stopped. Everyone was listening, even me.

Something that physics just can’t cope with.
Something that we can’t cope with.

Thanks everyone! I'm writing the next part, and should put it up somtime in the next week!

Ah, nitpicking. A great hobby to have.

[quote]The explosion happened at mid-day. [/quote]

Get rid of "at". Its just an extra word, and makes the sentance longer than it should be.

[quote]Even the whispering stopped.[/quote]

Maybe, "Even the whispers halted."
Overall, It seems like you have a great idea. if you have any questions, feel free to PM me, which you should also do when you write the next chapter!

I need it to be error-free first!

Hey Lilicia,
So I'll just start out with a few nitpicks:

What was that noise

Something that we can’t cope with.

I wanted to put my hands to my ears to block out the muted bangs

not wanting to see the destruction any more.