In every thought in every mind
a memory is held inside.
Do you recall that certain place,
that special time, that single face?
The sound of raindrops on the leaves
or scent of flowers on the breeze?
The warmth of fire in the night,
in waves of burning, boiling light?
Do you remember that one time
true love entered your short life?
The everlasting feel of peace
you shared with every simple kiss?
As each joyful wondrous moment
was wrapped inside your endless mind
Do you think you could just release
and sacrifice all happiness?
What if each thought could bring you pain;
the end of life or lack of gain?
What if instead you'd rather not
remember what your memories wrought?
The water fell too quick, too fast;
a storm destroyed your only past.
The fire burned, unquenching thirst
destruction at its very worst.
And in the end flowers were ash,
you had been forced to watch at last,
the end of your undying love;
a loss of life so harsh, so cold.
Would memories then just be too much?
The ache for one last soulful touch.
Would then you wish you could forget?
To chase away your loneliness?
What if at the death of day
you could sweep all thought away?
Would you then have utter bliss
in your own sweet emptiness?
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This poem was pretty good, but I'd fix the structure of it all by adding some stanzas and punctuation, .etc.
I think this poem is amazing I liked it a lot.
im not skilled at analysing poetry or anything else but
thats incredible.
did it really take you one night to write all of that?
I second Clau. This sounds like a Hallmark card and that is not a good thing. It was well-written and well-structured, yes, but it failed to bring me in.
I would suggest making it shorter. At this length it was a little too stretched out, a little overdone. You should take your very best, most original lines, and splice them all together in a short and sweet little piece. Currently, it is a large block of text that is rather intimidating and tends to repeat the same ideas over and over again.
If you don't care to make it shorter, at least divide it up so it reads less like a list.
I kind of wished the last line had rhymed. Everything seemed to be leading up to that. Other than the lack of rhyme, I really liked the last line. It was a fantastic ending that wasn't trying to blatantly lay out a moral or go "THIS IS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY *is obvious*". Congrats for that.
I thought that you used questions effectively in many places. They're successful in drawing the reader in, somewhat. At least the speaker is addressing a subject rather than reading off a list of personal emotions.
Colleen
It was...good. But you sort of rhymed when ever you could, rather than holding a real pattern. Or, as far as I could see, there was no pattern to how you rhymed. It was a little hard to read because it was all one chunk of text, no verses. But sometimes things are meant to be read that way?
The subject was fleeting, common emotional things. The one thing you really want to be ale to do with poetry is this: Don't tell your reader how you feel, what you feel, what you think; make them feel it for themselves, through the words you give them. Doing this will make your poetry mean more than words. You might try reworking this poem with that in mind.
Other than the rhyming, it read nicely overall...wasn't bad, but could be better.