Butterflies

Hi LilaRobin!
I'm Shadeflame, but you can call me Shade, and I'm going to review your work today.
Everything I say is just a suggestion, so if you don't like it or you don't think it applies, don't use it! I won't be offended.

I enjoyed reading your poem and thought it was nice, but there were a few lines that I didn't really understand. I think that part of the problem is that you are trying to rhyme, and you can't find the words you want, so you just choose them based on if they rhyme.
I think your poem would have been better if you had just done a free verse poem.

The last lines of the poem really summed up what the whole poem was about. The boy/girl (not sure which) really wants the parent to listen to them, which is a thing I think many people struggle with today. Their parents just don't understand them.

In all this was a nice poem with a good message.

Keep writing!
-Shade

I really enjoyed reading your poem. However, I do think you can be a little clearer on some of the lines you wrote. There were pieces where I was confused and didn't understand. I do think that there is a couple of lines that weren't really needed I felt like they were just there. I loved the last part of the poem and it really gave me a good understanding of the point you were trying to have the reader understand. Good Job, you should keep writing.

I will listen.Its so emotional with hidden truth.Not everyone may see.Its a wonderful one.hope to see a better one next time

Hey there LilaRobin!

Thanks for posting this, I really enjoyed reading it! Intriguing story, interesting speaker.

Onto the review!

***

Have you ever seen or felt a memory that you were dealt?
***I would omit one of your past participles here, for the sake of rhythm.

Have you ever woken up and thought of only yourself?

I want to show you what I think

I want to see the world without a shrink
***Powerful.

I want to tell you how much I love the butterflies up in the skies

We loaded up the car and then we sat inside

We drove around making sure to take a right

I sat in the back where no one glanced at
***Glanced at what?

I slid ear buds in before you made a turn

There we go once again down the road

As you drove I cried in the back seat silently

Hoping that you didn’t see me weep quietly

You drove and drove and drove and drove

We were leaving home, finally, to who knows

I was happy for once in my life

I don’t want to go back to my friends they’re not nice

I don’t want to go back to that kind of life

I don’t want to go back to my life

You drove and drove and then you made a turn

You pointed at a store, the only one for miles

Then glanced back to the road and you missed what
***These last three lines do not match up with your rhyme or rhythm scheme -- was that intentional?

I saw a mural of a butterfly on the wall

You didn’t get to see the butterfly on the wall

I think it was a monarch, I’m not sure at all

We stayed for a week before you decided to go

We left once again to go on the road

You took a turn that I wanted

You took the turn that you needed

I tried to point out the wall it was painted on

I tried to point out that beautiful orange

You lied and didn’t try to look at the butterfly

You lied and didn’t try to see the butterfly

You never see what I see

Will you please just look at me?

Butterflies are pretty

You never see what I see

Listen to me

Will you listen to me?
***I really love how, for the most part, you stuck to a consistent rhyme/rhythm scheme and here at the end, it sort of fell apart. It felt like a reflection of how the speaker must be feeling, rushed and emotional. Nice touch.

***

Overall, I thought this was a great poem. I didn't get a strong sense of the exact story but maybe that is what you intended. Nice work!!!

If you have any questions, please feel free to pm me.

Write On...

Mav


Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.com