Shendelzare watched as Hereseyr came out from father’s room, shaking his head slightly with a sad frown on his face. He adjusted his flaxen royal attire and put his hands on his back. He was a loyal servant to the Kingblade’s house, having served the family for a couple of decades. Shendelzare had seen him as a brother figure.
“His condition is not getting any better, isn’t it?” she said, her voice descended into a whisper. From the settee with Shanniel, she clutched her hands tightly, worry overwhelming her chest. She looked at her sister, wanting to share her feeling.
Shanniel grabbed her hand, pressing it to give assurance with a hint of smile on her face. She looked at Hereseyr, raising an eyebrow. “Well? How is he doing in there?”
Hereseyr took a seat at the settee opposite to theirs. He bowed slightly. “The healers are at a dead end. It seems like the disease couldn’t be treated since it is caused by the highness’s aging,” he said, forming each word with gentle precision, careful not to offend the princesses.
He held up his face, suddenly, and they couldn’t see any emotion lingering on it. “By the way thing is proceeding, the plan must go on. On the first day of next week, Shendelzare would be crowned as the queen as being instructed by the highness. If only the majesty is here... but be it the past. We can only do the best for now.”
Shanniel leaned a bit forward. “Isn’t she a bit too young for this? We barely take any training on how to rule this country - we’ve been taught to polish our talents since young! Couldn’t we choose a temporary ruler that would do our biddings?”
Shendelzare was touched by Shanniel’s concern but she rubbed her younger sister’s shoulder, assuring her. “It’s fine, sister. It is my duty to see the country having a ruler. While it might be true what you have said about my lack of training, I’m sure it can be provided, and as time goes, I would be a competent queen.”
Shanniel looked at Shendelzare, her eyes hardened. Hereseyr held up his right hand, interrupting our exchange. “Shendelzare is right. This moment is a crucial one - any step should be taken with consideration. If the highness thinks this is the right act to make for the country, so be it. On the day Melenael, the Ghastly Eyrie would crown Shendelzare as the queen, and this country would have a strong ruler again.”
He took a deep breath. “At the same day, a negotiation would be made between our kingdom and the neighboring one. We need someone who can be in charge in that. Shanniel, your father has chosen you to attend it and make sure there would be peace between the kingdoms.” He didn’t say it but the next words are clear - the highness would not want the other princess to attend the crowning ceremony.
Shanniel’s eyes hardened, her face tensed. She stood up and looked at the head servant and her sister. “Very well, if father has wished so,” she said, her voice too calm to be natural. “By your words, Hereseyr, there seems to be no negotiator better than I. I am honored to find that at this moment, I am the best you can have.” Sarcasm blended deep in her voice. She turned back to leave the settee.
Shendelzare’s eyes followed her sister until she was out of view. Her heart beat faster than usual. Was the rumor about Shanniel true? She couldn’t find someone to talk about this. She didn’t trust anyone here, even Hereseyr. She couldn’t trust herself to think that he was not involved in this. She needed to talk to Dragonir. The rumor about Shanniel scheming for the throne should be investigated.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,585 Reviews
So it's been a little while since I read and reviewed the first part to this. Sorry if I get any plot elements wrong ._.
I wonder if you use an autocomplete for typing these names. I can imagine typing them might get a bit irritating, at least for me.
Aw, this is a great paragraph. The emotional touch here is really strong.
Interesting plot, great dialogue and emotion. Sadly, I don't feel much of an attachment to the characters and I'm not sure why. Even though Shanniel is intriguing and I'm curious of her mindset, the actual strength of most characters leaves a bit to be desired. This is extremely well written however. Not the most helpful review, I know, but I can't think of much to criticize to help you along. Job well done x_x
Okay, I only have two questions or suggestions for you. The first is a really small one, this paragraph:
So, in that first bit I underlined, you say that Shanniel’s voice is “too calm to be natural,” but in the second bit you say that “sarcasm blended deep in her voice.” If she is vying for the throne, she probably wants to keep up appearances, so her voice should remain calm as long as possible. (Especially since her eyes are giving her away a bit there.) Plus, when I think calm voice, I do not think sarcasm. So it seems like she could either be sarcastic the whole time she’s talking in that paragraph or calm the whole time. (I suggest calm, but that’s up to you.)
The other thing is about Shendelzare’s thoughts on these rumors. The reason this is an issue for me is because of this part:
See, here you’re telling us that Shendelzare thinks Shanniel’s concern is genuine, so right now I’m thinking that she trusts her sister despite these rumors. But then at the end, you’ve got this:
Because now it seems like Shendelzare’s suspicious and feels like the rumors might be true. Which is fine – I mean, Shanniel was acting pretty suspicious in the scene with her false concern and her eyes hardening and whatever – BUT I think that we should see more of an internal struggle from Shendelzare. Something like, you know, she thinks her sister’s concern is touching, but then at the end she’s like, “Well, that was weird. Could those rumors be true? No. No, absolutely not. But Shanniel was acting pretty suspicious—no! It’s treacherous of me even to think that. She’s my sister and I love her. But still…maybe I should talk to Dragonir and investigate these rumors a little bit. Just to be safe.”
Obviously, you wouldn’t just have her do an internal monologue like that to tell us she’s struggling, but I wrote it that way so you’d see what I mean. Basically, her love and trust of her sister would be battling the rumors and her sister’s strange behavior. And then, even when Shendelzare DOES talk to Dragonir and investigate the truth of the rumors, she should probably feel guilty about doing so. That will help readers see that, although she feels like she must investigate, she doesn’t really like it, because she loves her sister. Plus, then, if her sister does turn out to be vying for the throne, it’ll be a bigger betrayal because we’ll see how unwilling Shendelzare was to even think it might be true.
There were many errors in verb tense, but that’s something to worry about in the later stages of revision. I’d be more concerned with the suggestions I made for the time being.
PM me if you have any questions!
BlueAfrica
Ooo, what a great story, Lightsong! I love how this story flows. It's surprising, intense, and incredibly fascinating. In particular, I liked the beginning, in which the king's dismal state becomes clear, and his days are numbered, and the end, especially when I got to learn more about Shendelzare's fear and the state of the nation. Furthermore, your character development is absolutely wonderful; in this story, I learned quite a lot about each of the characters through their actions and their dialogue. Even though I'm a newcomer to this story, I felt like I wasn't missing any piece of the characters, and I grew to like and suspect the motives of each of the characters very much. In particular, I could see Shendelzare's fear and concern, the threatening and potentially traitorous tone of her sister, and the commanding and powerful Hereseyr's nature quite clearly, which was an exceptional job on your part. In conclusion, the way that your characters interacted was wonderful, and it was nice to see how well this story flowed and how well you communicated each character's individual personalities and the fate of the kingdom.
Lastly, I loved the seriousness and vibrancy of the plot. It's deep, it's full of twist and turns, and leaves me eager for more. The king's state is saddening, but it seems to have been inevitable, particularly as it was caused by his age. However, what is surprising is the nature of the coronation ceremony. Shendelzare may not have the proper education, but she has the eagerness and the potential to rule as a good ruler, and it's interesting to see her courage and bravery in spite of present situation. Furthermore, I'm surprised by the king's decision to assure that Shanniel does not attend the coronation ceremony, and the bitter and sarcastic way that she reacts to the news. It's obvious that she isn't happy about this, but, based on Shendelzare's concern, it seems that this issue may extend far beyond what it seems. The fact that Shanniel may be plotting to overthrow her own sister captivates me, and I'm eager to see what else happens between the sisters and their kindgom.
In all, this is a wonderful story. I loved your consistent, powerful flow, the organization of your story, and your character development and plot. Your usage of details was exceptional, and this story's sense of mystery, the dark scheming, and the potential conflict that may arise at the coronation ceremony left me with an eagerness to see this story continue, and, with it, provide answers to these mysteries, in upcoming chapters. Well done!
nice very vivid imagery.
very nice grammatical skills.
extremely nice use of figurative language.
magnificent similes and metaphors.
Beautiful post, inspiring.
Splendid job, looking forward to many more!