Young Writers Society

Hi Lightsong! I'm back for this third installment.

You never fail to deliver on the exciting action scenes. Like I've mentioned before, these can be so difficult to write while keeping it realistic. Also, it demands knowledge on the writer's part about fighting and the physics of it. I'm pretty impressed!

For me, though, I find that you're now struggling to balance action scenes with furthering the plot. You're attempting to progress in the storyline with a lot of internal dialogue on Rila's part, which is okay sometimes, but it's getting heavy and clunky. It slows the flows of the story. Now, this is difficult when you have pretty much established the entire short story as a fight scene. The characters are not moving - they are stagnant in one scene - which makes it a challenge for yourself as the author to reveal more about this complex world, dive deeper into characterization, and so on. That being said, it's a unique take on a story, by keeping everyone in the same place and the same time. I think you just need to really think about how you are going to execute this so that your readers can be perpetually intrigued.

There is so much information. There is too much, in fact. This fantasy world is complicated, no doubt, and I understand that you're keen to reveal everything to us, but you must remember that this is a short story and you don't have all the time in the world, like you might with a novel. I know I brought this up in my last review, but I see ever more the need here, as well. I highly recommend that you tone down on the information, or at least provide some moments where the information is not handed to us through some internal dialogue or rehearsed dialogue between the characters. In fact, flashbacks would be really useful for this. (I liked the flashback used at the end of this installment because it provided information, but in a more natural way.) Furthermore, because your characters aren't moving scenes, all this information seems somewhat gratuitous and out of place. In reality, in an actual action scene, there's not much dialogue aside from sassy comments trying to psych out the opponent.

I feel like you might be hitting a wall right now. It feels dragged out. Maybe some more flashbacks? Regardless, it's still an enjoyable read and the very end, where we get a snapshot into Rila's youth, provided a respite from the infodumping happening during the fighting.

Hope that helped!

I'm actually here! Sorry that this is a little late, though Nikayla is finally here dropping in for a review.

I noticed that this is quite fluid when this comes to flow or pacing. This is in the sense that this short story so far hasn't done much else other than what's important to the actual plot. These last three parts have all taken place in the same setting and with the same characters, and I found that to be interesting. Usually there's some form of build-up before a fight scene of this size ends up happening.

This also makes me wonder how long this short story is actually planned to be because while we've gotten to know the characters a bit, the reader hasn't actually had the time to experience character development seeing as we (or at least I) have a hard time caring for the characters. Character development, coincidentally can't happen until the reader actually cares about that character. Until the reader wants to see change.

This was her most important mission. Previously, she assassinated important figures in Estagra, all of whom objected to the ways of the Church. This time, she was to kill a figure who Kestari had said would doom the country. There would be no second chance if she failed this one. Gael would live his life guarded as soon as he got out of this mess. He had already nullified her first attempt to kill. Rila closed her hands into fists. The more important the mission, the greater the appreciation if it was a success. As such, the punishment should it fail, would be severe.

It was her, a thirteen years-old crying in her mother’s arm as they watched their house burned. The thieves had robbed them of everything they got. Beside them was her father and brother, both of whom dead from the slice on their throat. Their eyes and mouth stayed open. The air smelled of smoke and blood. Mother took the scarf covering her head and wrapped it around Rila.

Hey there, Lightsong!

Personally, I like this chapter. Your action scenes are always vibrant, colorful, and energetic, and I admire the creativity manifested in the various spells that Ilami and Rila use. The pacing is decent at the beginning and during the flashback, and I like the way that Rila realizes how Ilami is a superior opponent. The latter, in particular, is a crisp and clear realization that captures Rila's fear and establishes the nature of the fight in a way that grab's the audience's attention. Beyond that, the stakes of the fight are interesting, and I must now heavily question the ethics of Rila's side if they're willing to go torture her family for any failure of hers, as well as the way the end flashback connects Xesar and Lio. In the end, the story does a nice job of explaining some of her backstory, her own intense stubbornness, and paints a clearer picture of the world at large. So, in those respects, nicely done!

On the other hand, I have to agree with Mea that the part from "Rila bit her lip" to "Yes. Kill or killed" was wordy and jumbled. I disliked it for bogging down the story in details, useful as they are, and interrupting the pacing. Too, it got repetitive after a while, such as the stakes of winning and losing. You might be better off just specifying that a. Rila cannot win against Ilami (I suggest keeping that part mostly intact), b. if Rila loses, her family is going to get tortured, especially since this is a key case (which we could already guess), c. Rila now questions her own church, and d. she has no choice but to continue on, thanks to the second reason.

I also find it a little hard to fathom that Rila didn't already question her church or Kestari before this moment in time. It appears they're torturing her family for huge failures, and Kestari doesn't bother hiding his identity as a priest of Lio when she first meets him, as he even is referred to as a Priest of Lio. The entire church pays respect to both Xesar and Lio, as indicated by the Brother Gods, and Rila is described as fighting for both of them. Unless the church decided to change its stance, considering how Lio has now become the bad guy, and Kestari hid his identity, combined with Rila's forgetting her first memories of Kestari due to the trauma involved, it feels like what Ilami said should already have been obvious. Either Rila isn't that perceptive (which, as an assassin, is unlikely), or the church has made a lot of changes over the years, because it otherwise just doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

Regardless, it's a decently written chapter with a great amount of action and revelations, and I'm curious to see if Ilami's new tactic will finally persuade Rila to come to her side (or give Rila a chance to put a knife in her chest). Well done!

Hi Light! I'm back for another review.

I like the insight we get into Rila's motivations here - she's been lied to about what's right, but she can't back out now because of her family. And yet, still she fails. I'm really interested to see the implications this has for her in the future.

Something I find interesting is that she seems to fairly readily doubt what she's been told, even if she still mostly believes. It shows that she's not as brainwashed as they probably want her to be.

I like the way you slid in a flashback about Rila's past, though I can't help but wonder why Ilami needs to know this stuff about Rila.

The biggest thing I wanted to say here is that your action sequences tend to be wordy and it's dragging the pacing down a lot. The entire first half of this, up to "kill or be killed," could be condensed a lot, including Rila's thoughts about what's going to happen if she doesn't succeed.

For example:

For Ilami to do all of these in quick succession, the girl must have trained herself for a quite a long time. Realization dawned on Rila that she might not be able to kill Gael. Ilami would kill her first. Their sparring was short, but from it she could deduce how Ilami’s skills compared to her. She didn’t manage to put a scratch on Ilami; the latter did to her.

She didn’t manage to put a scratch on Ilami; the latter did to her.

If only Ilami didn’t swap with Gael,

knowing full well in instinct