Previously, on God’s Assassin - Rila is a god’s assassin sent to kill Gael Xikara as instructed by the priest, Kestari Fexar. In her attempt to kill him, she is interrupted by Ilami, Gael’s friend who joins him in their fight.
With a bursting speed aided by the fire wheels behind her, Rila darted passed Ilami to Gael. She only needed to touch him and they’d be transported somewhere else. The transportation wouldn’t take them as far as the one involving light would, but it would be enough to separate Gael and Ilami.
As she approached, Gael held up his modified bow, one that was wrapped around his wrist. There was no arrow in his free hand, but after whispering, an ice one materialized between the bow and was immediately released. As it flew, it broke into three, all of them directed to Rila in three points.
She didn’t stop. Fire wheels emerged from her hands and she threw two of them to hit the two arrows, while the last one was jumped over. She saw Gael whispering again, but she couldn’t read his mouth. Ice-based spells were foreign to her. Then, she saw. The ground turned to ice, starting from Gael’s standing point to her where about. He wanted to stop her movement, but this was useless.
The fire wheels attached to her back moved to her feet and in no time did they boost her shoes upward, permitting her to fly. It was quite difficult to balance oneself in that position, but Rila had spent years perfecting the technique. Now that she was in the air, her movement would be freer and faster. ‘Ignis onhe mucio.’ she propelled like an eagle sweeping to the ocean for its victim.
In a span of a few seconds, she was in front of Gael, the lad too late to react, and she was about to touch his forehead when suddenly it wasn’t a tanned one, but a fair white. It wasn’t Gael’s face, but Ilami, and she touched hers instead, unable to pull back her hand. All she saw was Ilami’s slight smile before the surrounding blurred. Then, they were in a different place. They were near a river and the ground was grassy.
Rila, finding herself standing in front of Ilami too close, retreated a few steps back. Her eyes widened. ‘This couldn’t be. You weren’t supposed to be able to teleport, not when -’
‘Not when there’s no link between Gael and me?’ Ilal said, her voice soft. She tilted her head. ‘But you couldn’t be sure of that, could you? After all, you didn’t see what happened to me when you were too focus on Gael.’
Rila lowered her gaze to Ilami’s hand and found her answer. She held Gael’s ice arrow. It must have reached her when Gael released them, and perhaps this was intentional. Gael knew of her intention and had set up a plan in case he was right. And he was right. That guy was dangerous in his own subtle way.
But Ilami’s destruction, Rila knew, was transparent. Xesar blessed her, and He was said to be the strongest Natural of all four, wielding the scorch of the sun in His hand. She and Ilami were different; she killed in the shadow, relying on stealth, while Ilami borrowed raw strength from the bonded fire. Rila mentally shook her head. She had been an assassin since she was young a decade ago. Her experience would grant her victory.
‘If I have a choice, I don’t want to fight you,’ Ilami said, surprising Rila. ‘We are blessed by the same god, so we shouldn’t fight each other. We should make each other stronger.’
‘Pretty words you have there,’ Rila replied, ‘but other than our affinity, we have nothing in common. The god’s will is for me to kill Gael, and if you interfere, then you are my enemy.’
‘But is it true, Xesar’s will? To kill Gael, who happened to be the priest of Serra, another Natural?’ Ilami held out her hand. ‘Couldn’t you see the flaw in that logic? What if I told you killing me would be a greater sin?’ She stepped forward. ‘What if I told you by killing me, you are killing Xesar’s priestess?’
Rila couldn’t find a rebuke to that. There was no way Ilami could’ve been Xesar’s priestess, not when there’s another priest in vicinity. It was too convenient for two students of the same academy to carry the Naturals’ wills. ‘You’re a liar,’ she said, finally. Her voice didn’t shook, but it wasn’t thick with firmness, either.
‘Why should I lie? Why couldn’t I be a priestess?’ Ilami looked at her left, viewing the running river, the moving water sounding clear. ‘Quasar Magica Academy is the best one in the country after all, and Gael and I are its top students. Granted, Gael became a priest later than me, but all the same, we have enough power to be one.’ She directed her focus to Rila. ‘In fact, you could say me being a priestess has more to do with my inherent power. Being the principal’s daughter gives me an influence that could be used to fight against those who are tainted by the ways of Lio.’
Lio. The God of Justice, Shaker of the Earth. What did the Natural had to do with all of this? ‘What are you talking about?’ Rila shouldn’t ask questions, not when at this moment Gael had enough time to escape, but her curiosity had built too much. She had been storing questions, and they needed answers. She was sure she could capture Gael again anyway.
‘Kestari Fexar, head of the Brother Gods Church, is not Xesar’s priest. He is Lio’s, and all he has done is to fulfill His wishes. He wishes to build an army, big enough to war against the Hollows, Naturals’ sworn enemies. The other Naturals - Xesar, Serra, and Wermin had disagreed, but their objections only brought His wrath. Lio’s the strongest Natural of all, and he fought the others. Xesar fled, Serra hid.’ She paused. ‘Wermin died.’
Rila’s silence prolonged as she processed this flowing information. Kestari, a liar? Lio, a god that wasn’t so benevolent? A goddess, dead? These all sounded ridiculous, but Ilami had delivered them in such a firm, calm voice, that they sounded as revelations instead. If they were true, Rila’s life was a lie. Right since that moment, Kestari had shaped it according to his god’s - Lio, not Xesar - will.
And it didn’t matter. Clenching her jaw, Rila launched herself to Ilami, fire wheels in her hands. ‘Ignis elfancio multiplis, firenze or conanza.’ She threw one to Ilami, which was blocked by the latter’s sword. The wheel turned into Rila’s duplicate who ran towards Ilami. With the two Rilas approaching her, she wouldn’t be able to decide which one to focus on.
‘Ignis swardika multiplis, firenze or explasica,’ Ilami said.
She threw her sword to the air, and it multiplied into three. With her gesture, she directed one to aim at the duplicate while the other flew straight to Rila. The duplicate blocked it with an enlarged fire wheel, but upon contact, it exploded. Witnessing this, Rila dodged the one flying towards her, but she didn’t retreat. She moved forward, now using the fire wheels on his feet to fly.
‘Why are you doing this, Rila?’ Ilami shouted. The third sword she held in a ready position. ‘Even after knowing the truth, you still continue your misguided mission. Why?’
Because, Rila thought, her thought consisting of only killing Ilami, then Gael, the church takes care of my family.
A/N:Oh, I’m pretty impressed by this part and the time it takes for me to finish it. I think it doesn’t take a hour to write it, which makes me think I’m not rusty in writing, after all. Tell me if there’s too much infodump/dialogue in here, and if the setting isn’t detailed enough. Also, do the characters feel more alive here, as in, they’re becoming real people in a satisfactory pace? Also, what do you think about the revelations? Do they intrigue you, make you want to read more? All grammatical corrections are welcomed, but don’t make them the main part of you review! Enjoy!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,237 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Hello again Lightsong!
Compared to the first instalment of this short story, this part is much better. There is less infodumping, although there still is a bit. Unfortunately, I find that you are trying to weave such a complex world all at once, and it's actually overwhelming for the reader since they're still trying to understand the other aspects of the world that remained relatively unexplained in the first instalment. It feels like we have a lot of information, but nothing to do with it. What I am suggesting you do is tone down on the information and decide what are the really important things that you think the reader should know, and expand on those things naturally throughout the story. That is, I suggest this if you intend to keep this as a short story. If you decide to expand and work on this as more of a novel (which, at this point, I actually think would be beneficial to the story), you have the time and the length to include lots of information, but gradually over many chapters. Right now, it's really overwhelming and just detracts from really focusing on the plot at hand.
Because of what I mentioned above, it's hard to also make sense of the characters since I'm also trying to make sense of the world in general. In a way, I sometimes feel that the characters are just pawns when it comes to conveying even more information about the world. A lot of their dialogue contains extra information. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, because dialogue is a really effective means of communicating (obviously, lol), but it needs to be seamless to work well.
That being said, as a writer, your ability to create action-packed scenes is impressive, realistic (as realistic as it gets in a fantasy world), and fast-paced. I can actually visually, like in a movie, how things are playing out and I can feel myself getting tense as I become more and more eager to see what the next part of the battle will be. It can be a challenge to write compelling and streamlined action scenes, but I think you are quite comfortable with this. Kudos! I'm looking forward to jumping to the third instalment.
All the best,
Lavvie
Hi there Lightsong! Nikayla here dropping in for a review as promised.
I'm a little confused by the concept of 'fire wheels'. Explaining this better in the story or at least giving some context clues as to how fire wheels work is beneficial. Are they like those built-in wheels in shoes? Could you at least use description to describe this a little better? That's what I'm suggesting, anyway.
Same with the modified bow in a way. Is this a crossbow? A normal bow just attached to Gael's arm? That's where I feel that this is a little rushed, though I can see how it's difficult to be explaining these weapons.
Actual wheels of fire? Hoops? I'm still wondering about this. I felt the action scenes here are nice though a little too mystical. I guess this makes sense because these are powerful people who are wielding magic, though I'd like to see some realism brought to the fight. I love reading fight scenes, though what grabs my attention most is when a character makes a dirty move. Adds some tension.
I'm not much of a fan of how the fight slows down to reveal that Ilami can teleport without a link with Gael (I'm kinda unsure what this link means and I believe this is something that could be better explained) because it feels like something out of a manga or anime. Who actually stops a fight to explain their new ability. I wish the fight still went on during the scene of dialogue more fluidly. Along with this, I do wish that more of this showed more than told as Mea mentioned. Show the characters through scenes and dialogue and their actions--especially Rila, though having a strong voice is beneficial too.
Can't wait to see where this goes! Excited to hop onto the next part. If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask. I hope I helped and have a great day!
I get the feeling that Rila is not going to have an easy time finding and dispatching Gael.
Hello again! Of the parts I've seen thus far, this has to be my favorite one. The pacing is decent, the fighting is well-written and just plain awesome, and the level of description and detail are nice. You do a good job of demonstrating Rila's skill, devotion, and the intense single-mindedness of her objective (as should be expected for someone who has been raised since a young age to be an assassin for a particular man with particular goals), allowing me to more visualize her as a person with questions countered by an assassin with a sense of duty. Too, I love the way that Ilami and Gael cooperate in the midst of fighting, switching out for each other to trick Rila and being separated so that Gael might be able to escape. As such, both sides feel balanced in skillsets and abilities, so I haven't a substantial clue in whose favor this battle may end up, which stokes my sense of curiosity and interest. So, nicely done!
The dialogue does, as BlueAfrica points out, slow down the tone and pace of the conflict, but I prefer to think of it as more of a pause in action and a shift in the fight from physical to mental. I still find it a bit odd that Ilami would not attempt to dispatch Rila in that instance, or vice versa, but I suppose Ilami needed to demonstrate her own version of the truth without coming across as suspicious, and Rila's questioning side was showing. Regardless, the revelations do a nice job of adding worldbuilding and complexity to the story, painting Lio as first villainous and then an anti-hero trying to defeat the true villains while crushing anyone in his way. The death of a Natural and the possible lie behind Rila's very existence as an assassin are also fascinating topics, capturing my attention and intriguing me, though it might've been better to explain, in greater detail, the Naturals and their significance beforehand so that I can truly appreciate the significance of these plot twists and statements. I think Rila's response, given her life goals, are still justified, and I am a bit perplexed as to why a priestess of Xersa (if she is true in her identity) would work with a priest of Serra, beyond some kind of alliance against Lio (which is the most likely situation in my opinion, though my guesses are usually wrong. XD). Regardless, Ilami makes good points, Rila has gained a few holes in her metaphorical armor, and I'm curious to see how Rila will learn the truth and handle these questions when the fighting has concluded. All in all, this was a nice story part to read, and I look forward to the next one. Great job!
Light! <3 I thought I'd go ahead and just review this since other reviewers said most of my thoughts about the excellent first part of this story.
Action and worldbuilding are both great - watching these different elemental powers fight is really fun. I was super happy to see that this continues on from your other short story.
The main thing with this part I want to comment on is that once Ilami starts talking to Rila, the pacing, which was fast and intense, starts to feel slow and lacks the tension you want it to have. I think this is largely because their conversation is honestly confusing. We as reader really don't yet understand any of this stuff about Naturals and who's a priest of which god, and so we can't tell what's significant about the conversation.
I think you could make introducing all this stuff in this conversation work if you were more concise and clear about the information you're giving and signal the importance of these priests more clearly. This is where your slight awkwardness in language due to being a non-native speaker is honestly hurting you the most. Most of the time, your writing is quite easy to read, especially now that I've gotten used to your style. But at times like this, when you're trying to explain important plot information, it takes me a while to decipher what you're saying and the implications of it. Basically, your exposition is when clarity is most needed, and so, as you revise, it should probably be what you focus most heavily on.
But! Like I said, I'm really enjoying this. I'm a huge sucker for elemental magic. I think you could do a little less telling and a little more showing when it comes to character, but other than that I'm finding Rila very interesting, and I really admire Ilami for being brave enough to step in the path of an assasin and defend Gael like that.
In general, something I've noticed is that you tend to have your verb phrases be more wordy than they need to be. For example,
You could just say "Her only thought was to kill" instead of the more formal and slightly stiff "consisting of." A lot of the time, the hiccups in your flow come from using words or phrases that would sound more at home in formal, academic writing, rather than a story, because they are slightly wordy or overly technical. I bet if you revised this with a goal of being concise, readers would then find it to be more smooth to read.
Quick note - at one point, you accidentally wrote Ilal instead of Ilami, and that really confused me for a second. xD Also, the most common error I'm noticing are verb tenses, often just simple ones like using present tense instead of simple past, so keep a look out for those as you revise.
Okay, I really, really cannot picture this. I need a better description. Is it supposed to be like a crossbow?
And that's all I've got for you today! (Sorry if this was a bit disjointed.
Thanks for the review! And yes, it's like a crossbow! xD
First off, I love stories with gods in them, my favorite, especially lately. I even have been working on my own novel, heavily based with active deities in it. That being said, some of the notes below are my own thoughts of opinions, so feel free to discard or use as you want!
Bursting just sounds odd to me here, I think burst would work better, may just be me though.
I feel like you could cut this end part because we already know the three points are flying towards her and it just feels redundant.
I’m thinking this was an accidental sentence but if not I would connect it so the whole things flows better.
I feel like it is vague into why this would be useless? Is it because she was to fast? Ice would never hold her? I would just love a little more info into why it is useless.
This whole line has a very weird flow and I kind of stumbled over it a few times as I tried to figure out what you were saying. Maybe try, “her back moved to her feet and shot her forward with a boost, permitting her to fly.”
Confused if it was her saying this, and if it was why? Was it a spell? Was it helping her to do something? As the reader I am not sure, you might have explained it in your first chapter which I have not read, though I shall now because I want to see what has been happening, but if not I’d love a little explanation. You know what it is doing and its purpose as the writer, but I feel confused to what these words are for as the reader.
The flow was funny because of the order of the wording. Maybe do, “Rila found Ilami standing to close to her so she retreated back a few steps.” Or something like that?
Should be “focused”
Not sure if transparent is the best word for this, because I found it a bit confusing. Maybe “imminent”, transparent just seems like an odd word choice, mostly because something like forthcoming or imminent implies it is about to happen and I think that would fit the thought better?
Feeling like it should be “shadows”, plural since she kills in multiple shadows not just the same one all the time.
Think you meant “truly”
Should be “shake”
[/quote]
Like I said I haven’t read the first chapter, but I will for sure. That being said, this chunk of information all feels important, but you said it so quick and kind of glossed over the whole thing. I feel like more details should be given if they haven’t been already.
Follow Up:
All right I swear I will go read the first part, because it is obviously needed. I feel like there wasn’t enough info dump personally, lol. I wanted more information, or more clarity into what you were saying. A lot of names were thrown out, and most had little implication to me. Because they held no implication I didn’t really care about them. Why should I care about the Brother Gods Church, why is Lio a big deal? You make these statements, but so little is known it tends to make me gloss over them instead of drawing me in for more if that helps.
The setting was also a little vague for me? Especially because I’m not sure where the battle is taking place and you don’t mention it at all in this (maybe I would know from the first chapter?). You also mentioned a river once, fleeting, and Ilami viewing it, but other then that I wasn’t really sure where it was taking place?
Good start though. I feel like you could refine your writing a bit just by editing and rewording some things around so the flow is better. If you have any questions let me know, and I’m going to go read your first chapter now lol.
If you have any questions about anything let me know!