He entered the cafe with his friend.
In front of me his laugh came to an end.
He smiled instead, telling me his order.
Hearing his voice, I wished he said it louder.
There was musicality in it
like a cupcake, so sweet.
His eyes, a sparkling night
put my inner self in a fight.
He’s a customer, my right side said,
not someone to get you laid.
But my left side disagreed,
You can do this, you’re not a kid.
My eyes, they did linger
at the tattoo on his shoulder.
I thought, My, my, and let out a low hum
as muscles popped out from his arm.
He waved at my face and I blinked.
Knowing, he smiled wider and winked.
Heat rushed to my cheek, but I wondered,
I check on him, and he isn’t bothered?
Was there a chance to ignite a spark
between me and him in this dark?
If I gave him my heart that couldn’t be bought
could he give me the kind of reply that I sought?
He ordered a latte, rich like his skin.
His ripe red lips looked like a sin.
Our hands brushed as I gave him his change.
The sensation I felt - oh, it was so strange!
From then onward, I was a wall to him -
unnoticed, unimportant - my spirit getting slim.
He talked to his friend, not giving me any attention,
sitting at the corner, absorbed in the conversation.
Alas, they rose, after conversing so deep.
He passed me and gave me his receipt.
I was confused until I turned the paper back
And saw his number with xoxo in ink black.
I looked up and saw him giving me the wink.
‘Call me,’ he said, and hearing that I couldn’t think.
I was speechless, standing frozen like a steel.
He chuckled and left when I said, timidly, ‘I will.’
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
I really like how the stanzas flow together. The whimsical and humorous mood carries to a bountiful end. I enjoyed the casual pace, too. Keep up the wonderful work!
Hey, fellow writer. I'm just here to review your piece and give you some advice and whatnot. I'm going to be honest and blunt, but it's only for your benefit to improve and for you to continue becoming a better writer. Now though I liked your describing, I didn't really liked the rhyming too much. It seemed kind of forced, I guess. And honestly, I think you'd be better at writing short stories than poems. I'm not dissing. I'm just saying it might be more your thing. But hey, if you want to continue with poetry, then go at it. Have fun with it. The whole point of this site and the reviews is for you to do what you like. Anyway, good job.
This is really cute! A fun take on an overused cliche. It feels almost satirical, which I really like, and the descriptions are very clear. Stanza by stanza, I became more and more invested in the characters. I love the open ending!
What I didn't like: I don't understand the significance of the "left side versus right side." Also, how can something be "frozen like a steel?" I've heard of "stiff as steel" but not "frozen," and definitely not "a" steel. What even is that?
Hey there Lightsong! MJ stopping by for a review or two this fine review day
Let's get right into it.
I don't really like the word "musicality" here. I think "lilt" in reference to the tone of his voice or "rhythm" in reference to, well, the rhythm.I'm kinda confused by the phrase "my heart that couldn't be bought". I'm struggling to see what it adds to the poem, and it's slightly ironic in that he's basically sold himself out to this tattooed man
Since "steel" isn't a specific thing, there shouldn't be an article before it. Personally, I would say "frozen stiff as steel" just because I think it flows better and sounds a little nicer, but that one's up to you.
My general impression of this poem was that it was a sweet and romantic piece, and I think you especially did a good job describing the leaps and heartthrobs of the cashier. You expressed all of the little heart leaps and acrobatics very well, and I enjoyed that.
However, your rhyming was at times a little bit of a stress, and it didn't feel like it added much to the poem. Sometimes, I think it limited your word choice, and it didn't feel as effortless as rhyming is technically supposed to. Stylistically, I think it was such a hindrance it might be good to do away with all of it since it's causing more harm than providing benefit.
Anyway, that's just my two cents, so hopefully this was helpful, and if you need any further clarification or have any more questions, I'd be glad to help you out! Have a wonderful day, and I'll see you around
Sillia here for a review!
So let me start of by saying the title is what really caught my attention. Not necessarily the fact that it was in the Green Room and its review day xD I think probably because I can relate to THE TITLE XD anyway I review as I read so onto the review!
Hey there
I really like these lines because it just puts a lot of emotion into everything and makes it seem very passionate. The only thing I dont really like is the "a sparkling night" rhyming with "self in a fight". The only reason for that is because you don't continue to do line-line rhyming if that makes sense.
So I really like the different "sides" but the only thing that bothers me with this is the fact that like you've said side a lot. especially in the line before it with the "side said" its kind of like a repetition thing.
Back to the repetition thing; you have some end line repetition scattered throughout but its not all the way through and I'm not sure if I like it or not if i am being a hundred perecent honest.
But as far as the CONTENT goes I love it and I love the poem itself
Have an amazing review day and keep writing!
Sillia
I love the rhyming sequence the clear fluidity of the piece! Funny and whimsical to the end.