Young Writers Society

Ayyy, someone else who writes flashfics!


The reason why I love flashfics is because it's like poetry: tells an elaborate and long story in just a few words, but in prose. Let's dissect.

Sorry, but I'll just skip to the overall. I just have to point this out.

It seems like your flashfic is way 2fast2quick for the amount of detail it contains. At least for me. It's not even very detailed in the start, but the details quickly fall apart at the very end. I don't really see a reason why you'd rush an ending like that, knowing that the story as a whole has only 266 words. That's just about half the maximum word count for a flashfic (at least in my country.) I have two suggestions: flesh it out, or strip it down to bones.

What I mean by "flesh it out," you still have about 234 words left to describe everything and to create imagery to help the reader imagine everything and you have to use it. That's a lot! Add details, create imagery, express intense emotions, and stuff like that. Hopefully, you get what I mean.

The alternative is to strip it down to bare bones. Make it seem like a silent opera, make the reader watch the scene through a black-and-white television. Strip it down to just the bare essential details of the story. Little dialogue, little details, and a "camera" that is positioned strategically to capture only the most necessary details. I apologize if this isn't very clear to you; I'm not very good at expressing images in my mind. Hopefully you get what I mean.


Let's move on.

The title. Gosh, the title. I'm sorry, but I have to be harsh on this one. What kind of a flashfic title is "Death?" It's so generic, so plain, and so uninteresting. Many things come into mind when we hear a title like "Death." For me, it's the cliche one-word titled dystopian YA thrillers that I despise so much that pops up. Is this all that you can do for a title?

You have to make your title the best and most interesting title you can conceive with that wonderful mind of yours. Make it spark curiosity. Make it intriguing. Make it unique.

Characters. It's interesting how you portrayed Revenge as a woman. Sly, cunning, and deceitful is what comes to mind when I think of a female Revenge. But do I see that, or any kind of personal traits in Revenge? Barely any! I mean, I can see that you're trying to imply that Revenge is quite bloodthirsty, but I feel nothing. Her dialogue is plain, the way she says her lines are plain, and the way she acts is plain: far, far from bloodthirsty. Don't just tell us readers that she's bloodthirsty, show us! Through imagery, through action, through dialogue.

Basically, using Revenge as an example, your characters are as generic and as flat as a blank piece of paper.

Speaking of imagery though, I'll use this line as an example again:

"The bloodlust in Revenge's eyes was apparent." Then nothing else.

Please, don't just tell us. Show us.

Let's proceed to the dialogue. Bruh. I've already said that the dialogue is plain, but just bringing that up again. Another concern is how you're just portraying Revenge and Justice as two talking heads. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if Revenge and Justice were just two dismembered heads floating in mid-air. After all, they don't really do anything but blabber about and look at Camelia and occasionally glance at each other.

Please. Don't just make your characters talk, make them move as well! Breathe life into them. Perhaps Justice instinctively reached for Camelia when she moved closer to Jacob. Maybe Jacob became more desperate and struggled more when Camelia stepped closer to him. Hopefully you get what I mean.

Also, just dropping this real quick. The lines and thoughts (of Justice) are a little bit off, at times. Let's use this example:

"If you continue, you would only add in another fear: fear of murder."

Please say this aloud and tell me if you didn't feel there was anything wrong, awkward or redundant about this line.


For now, these are the issues that I just had to point out. Let's move on to the bright side.

I like the plot and the theme of the story, and how you portray it. I believe the whole story of Camelia is very long, and you have your dialogue to thank for it. Though it's frequently used, I like how you reveal the backstory through dialogue. I just have to appreciate how the the revelation through dialogue still stays relevant to the flow of the story.

I think that's all that I want to say on this story for now. Even though my criticism far outnumbers my praise in terms of words, take pride. You just did what a flashfic aims to do: tell a story just a few hundred words. And that is all that matters.

I apologize if you found this review super long and super naggy. I'm just really passionate about flashfics, and I always aim for excellence.

If there's anything you don't understand from what I said, please tell me. I'd be glad to clarify.

Anyways, just keep on writing flashfics! Please apply what everyone around you suggests, and I'll see you again in the future. And hopefully, I'll be able to give a better (and much shorter) review.

(BTW: Is this your first flashfic?)

Hello, Lightsong! I read this in the Writers Tournament, as you already know, and I stand by what I said about not quite liking the rape aspect of it. I can't complain about that, though--that's another can of worms to open in another day. For now, let's look at the story as a whole.

I don't have much to say on the spelling and grammar point of view, so, for now, I'll talk briefly about the idea and how it could be handled better. The idea itself is quite interesting. I like how Justice and Revenge are two different forces holding control over a single woman, as sometimes the two can be mistaken for each other. However, this holds another problem for the rest of the story. What does Justice represent? Are they simply the law? Are they a more professional version of Revenge? Or are they a separate entity entirely? From the looks of the text, I think you were going for a more lawful good aura overall, however, it would be a good idea to think about the differences between the two characters. It could lead to some interesting parallels.