Chapter 1.1: Sofeas

by Lightsong

Published July 5, 2018

E - Everyone

In Okan's Sacrifice

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‘Hey, Whisperers! My name’s Halia. Halia Purewater,’ the new student said, introducing herself in front of the class with a loud voice and a grinning face. ‘I came from Greenlight, by the way.’

Sofeas’s eyes widened. She took a sharp breath. This girl, Halia. So enthusiastic. So unlike the them, Whisperers. It was like they and she were old friends that hadn’t met for a long time.

She couldn’t stop looking at her, this girl with chocolate skin and curly black hair that didn’t reach her shoulder. Her grin stayed, which was a juxtaposition to Sofeas’s own stunned expression. And yet, she felt drawn to her, someone who was from Greenlight, of all places. She wondered how Halia would blend in this island and – and how was it like to be her friend. How was it like to have that abundance of energy beside you everyday?

Brilliance Edva frowned at Halia, her lips pursed. When she spoke, it was with the obligatory politeness expected from a brill. ‘Thank you for the introduction, Halia. As everyone of you have heard, Halia is a new student from Greenlight. I expect you to welcome and help her adapt with the environment of Nightwhisper Island.’ There was a stress there when she said the word Greenlight, and Sofeas was sure it wasn’t for a good reason.

‘I’m so excited to meet you all!’ Halia said, beaming.

Brill Edva’s frown went deeper. ‘Halia, your place will be beside Daviy. Daviy, I hope you can guide Halia around this school. Also, remind Garev his seat has been taken, as that is a possible thing to happen when you skip school repeatedly. He will sit at the back next time.’

Halia would sit in front of her. Sofeas didn’t know why she was disappointed. It wasn’t like Halia could sit next to her – not when there were students at her sides. Maybe Sofeas could still talk to her? This was the first time they had a student from Greenlight. From what she’d heard, the place was pretty exciting. But of course, she had to keep that to herself. A typical Whisperer had a different view – very different view – of Greenlight.

Halia took her sit. ‘Hi, Daviy! I hope we can be friends.’ She turned to face the other student at her left. ‘What’s your name? Khaees? Hi, Khaees! it’s nice to meet you.’ Suddenly, she turned to Sofeas and grinned. ‘How about you? I saw you looking at me, mouth open and all. Is there something wrong with my appearance?’

Sofeas felt like she was caught doing something bad. She gulped. ‘I – my name is Sofeas. Sofeas Brightstar. There’s nothing wrong with -with you.’ She wanted to say more. That she was surprised Halia introduced herself that way. But – perhaps because she was raised as a Whisperer – she felt shy. As if it wasn’t necessary to say more. She hoped Halia was okay with that.

‘That’s a nice name, I have to admit,’ Halia said, nodding. ‘This is my first time here. Dad suddenly got transferred here – I I don’t know why, but hey! New place, new friends, right? I can’t wait to explore –’

‘Halia?’ Brill Edva said, cutting in. ‘That is enough. We are currently having a class, so I appreciate it if you continue your conversation after.’

‘Ah, of course, of course!’ Halia said, smiling. ‘I can’t help my feelings. I’m very bad at keeping still.’

With those statements, Sofeas decided Halia wouldn’t mix with Whisperers for sure. Keeping still and just listening to the brill - or adults, really – was something young Whisperers had been taught to do. Low your voice, speak as little as possible, don’t run around – these were instructions that had been repeated like a mantra to them. Could Halia resist all of that?

Brill Edva continued her lesson in history, but Sofeas couldn’t pay attention to her anymore. Halia filled her mind. Why did she come here? She knew it was because of her father, but what job exactly he could have in Nightwhisper? The island relied on agriculture, while Greenlight preferred to focus on fishing and maritime. She would know eventually. Nightwhisper wasn’t big, anyway – news traveled fast, even with Whisperers’ low voices.

After school, Daviy pulled Sofeas to a corner. She looked around before whispering, ‘Can we switch place?’

Sofeas blinked her eyes. Was she talking about their classroom? ‘Um, why?’

Daviy looked at her as if she’d just asked a stupid question. ‘It’s the girl, Halia. She’s so noisy. I can’t stand people like that.’

‘Oh,’ Sofeas said. From what she knew, Daviy couldn’t stand most people. She was part of the reason Garev skipped school – they both couldn’t sit beside each other without fighting. But – wasn’t this what Sofeas wanted? To know more about Halia? ‘I – I think I can. If Brill Edva allows, that is.’

Daviy let out a sigh of relief. She smiled. ‘You’re the best. Bye!’ She left – like the wind.

Sofeas looked at the direction she went to, a glass door that marked the exit of the school building. The silence taking place currently made her feel like she was the only person there. For a brief moment, she made a reflection – of what would happen next. Was it wise for her to take Daviy’s place and became the target for Halia’s conversation? Was Halia the answer for the struggle she had for a long time? She had been suppressing her feelings since she was told to do so to become a normal Whisperer. And yet – and yet she felt it wasn’t right. And what Halia had shown to her – it felt right.

Halia looked alive.

Sofeas slung her bag around her shoulder and walked to the exit. At times like this, she wished she could talk with her brother, Saeem. He was the only person in the family who could listen to her and not interrupt. He would understand her feelings and perhaps gave some advice. He might look like your typical quiet Whisperer, but his silence had a meaning. She knew it had. She’d made him talk once – and when he really spoke his mind, he talked a lot. There was a lot in his mind. There was a lot he could share with her. She couldn’t wait for him to graduate. It had been a while since he came to Nightwhisper Island.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
StellaThomas
Review
StellaThomas wrote a review Review · Jul 6, 2018

Hey @Lightsong! I see that Dark has done some line-edits here for you so I'll leave them alone.

This is a cute opening and I'm intrigued by a lot of it. It took me a moment to work out the link with them being Whisperers and everyone being quiet and not used to/disliking Halia's enthusiasm. I'm excited to see how that links in with your world building.

I really like the fact that the teacher is called a "Brilliance", that's so cool.

One of the things that limited my enjoyment of the story was the dialogue and trying to figure out what age they all were. Some of their interactions suggested teenagers, and others suggested much, much younger children. Just set the tone a bit more - even though Halia is an extrovert in a room full of introverts she seemed very over the top excitable and puppy-like. Maybe that's what you're going for, but at the moment it just seemed a bit forced.

Reading through, the mentions of Greenlight seemed a little bizarre to me, the teacher is so disdainful and Sofeas herself is so suspicious. I am 100% sure that there is more to meet the eye here, but it seemed weird that Sofeas is so caught up with the idea of Halia being from a maritime village? Like that's just not that big a deal! So maybe just take a look and see if you can weave in that suspicion/unease in other ways.

Otherwise, I don't think I have a lot else to mention! Thanks for the read!

- Stella x

Thanks for the review! Yeah, I've the feeling Halia might come across as being too excitable and puppy-like, so I'm going to make it more natural next time. :D

As for Greenlight, I guess should make it clear that it's its culture Halia and the brill have issues about. Hmm...

User avatar
Panikos
Review
Panikos wrote a review Review · Jul 5, 2018

Hiya, Lightsong! I thought I'd swing by and review this new novel of yours. I'm glad to see you decided to post it up in the end. It'll be the same drill as when I review Dancer of the Fire Blade - small comments, overall thoughts, grammar corrections in blue. Let's get to it.

Small Comments

‘Hey, Whisperers! My name’s Halia. Halia Purewater,’ the new student said, introducing herself in front of the class with a loud voice and a grinning face. ‘I came from Greenlight, by the way.’


There's no need to say she's introducing herself. That's obvious from the fact that she's telling everybody her name.

curly black hair that didn’t reach her shoulders.


Unless she's had a dodgy haircut at some point, it's going to be equal distance from both shoulders, right? :P

Also, remind Garev his seat has been taken, as that is a possible thing to happen when you skip school repeatedly.


This feels like a pretty random thing for the teacher to say, especially considering that she's addressing a class which is presumably familiar with the rule. It doesn't feel like natural dialogue; it feels like it's there for my benefit as a reader.

After school, Daviy pulled Sofeas to a corner.


A corner where? The classroom? A hall? A bit more description would make this scene much easier to visualise.

The silence taking place currently made her feel like she was the only person there.


This feels a bit wordy. Perhaps something like 'In the silence, she felt like the only person there' would work. Or even just 'the silence made her feel like she was the only person there'.

For a brief moment, she made a reflection - of what would happen next.


I don't really get what you mean here. I think you might mean something like 'she reflected on what would happen next', but even that seems a little odd. You usually reflect on things that have happened, not things that are still to come.

You seem to be rather free with your dashes in this chapter, as well. I can relate to that, but it looks like you're using them instead of commas in some places, or even putting them where no punctuation is needed at all. Try not to overuse them.

Overall Thoughts

1) In outline, this is a good start. I like stories that begin with two vastly different characters meeting each other, and I do enjoy your allusions to the mysterious Greenlight and what seems to be a strange culture among the Whisperers. Halia seems like a lovely character and a good contrast to Sofeas, so I look forward to seeing how those two interact.

2) In terms of improvements, I feel like the pacing needs work. I feel like I'm being dragged along a bit, even if fairly little has happened so far. You plunge so suddenly into the matter of Sofeas wanting to be Halia's friend and how little Sofeas fits among the Whisperers, and I just feel quite overwhelmed. I'd rather see more gradual development, with Sofeas' interest in Halia rising as she gets to know her. If you gave us more time to learn about Halia's oddities and how different she was, I think the story would be stronger, because we would want to know about her as well. At the moment, Sofeas is more interested in her than I am.

3) On a similar note, I think you could handle the culture of these Whisperers more subtly. Rather than letting me learn about it and form my own conclusions as I go along, you're blatantly impressing on me that it's a bad thing straight away. It's quite tell-y, as well. You say outright that the Whisperers are taught to be quiet and keep still and listen to the adults, but it would be so much better to show that through Sofeas and the other childrens' behaviour. In fact, I think it's odd that Sofeas is so self-aware about what it means to be a Whisperer. When you're raised in a particular way, you can't help but think of it as the norm. It would be interesting if Halia's presence was the very thing that made her realise how bizarre her way of living is.

4) Reading this chapter, I sort of wonder why you decided to have Halia sit next to Daviy first if she's going to end up sitting with Sofeas anyway. It feels like it just hurts the pacing, given that Sofeas doesn't actually do anything to change the situation. If it was the case that Sofeas took action and actively convinced Daviy to swap seats with her, I could understand it. But at the moment she's passive, so it feels like you may as well have cut out the middle man and had Halia be placed next to her from the beginning.

I think that's all I've got to say for this one. I think there's a lot of really interesting concepts and ideas in this chapter, and lord knows I'm a sucker for stories where people of vastly different backgrounds meet and change each other. The notion of the Whisperers does really intrigue me, but I would much prefer if you just let me learn about the culture naturally rather than trying to shape my opinion of it so early on. I would also like to have more time to become interested in Halia for my own sake, rather than viewing her instantly through Sofeas' (rather besotted) eyes. These strike me as teething problems, though. First chapters are ridiculously difficult to balance. Once you settle into the story, I think the whole thing will become more natural.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan

That was fast! I like it though. ;) Thanks for the review!

Yeah, I'm still figuring out how to start the novel. Already I'm considering how much has to happen before the big event. Hmm...



My existence is political. And love is my statement.
— Kevin Abstract