Hi, I'm new. Any constructive criticism would be appreciated. I'm not generally one to make excuses, but know that I've just started dabbling in poetry recently. The extent to which this is free verse scares me a bit, but just let me know what you think.
The currents of life’s pathway only
get harder to navigate
the older he gets.
From 8 to 16,
he goes from poolside
to the Olympics on television.
He watches,
not really watching,
life no longer so simple.
His music,
no longer whatever his parents turn the dial to,
used to ground him if he gets too high.
Slowing down,
Slowing down,
The shark finally overtakes him.
Five years more and he meets Her.
Is it love, is it loss?
He knows not yet, but his mind, out of practice,
pushes toward the latter.
It is easier just to make assumptions.
The easier assumption is that she will hurt him.
One day at a coffee shop,
he sits introspectively.
She walks in, radiating a beauty
befitting only one who knows
precisely what she wants in life.
She orders her drink
and takes a seat…
across from him.
Perhaps he has finally found
That Which He’s Always Needed.
Perhaps she is what makes life worth living.
Life is all about searching for That Which You’ve Never Had.
Without goals,
without a reason for living, you float.
Your life is without meaning.
Life is all about working to achieve whatever it
is you’ve set as your goal to accomplish.
Sure, I refer to lifetime achievement.
But, there are also daily doses
of meaning.
Of inspiration.
Wake up.
Go to school.
Make friends.
Woo your girl.
Whatever it is you do, put forth
the effort to do it well.
Never anything less.
Living.
Once again the most rudimentary
Of pool exercises.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
It was deep, I'll say that much, you put meaning and emotion into it and tried to speak with a depth of knowledge and stuff that matters, but I didn't get it, it seemed to jump all over the place, and the way your stanzas appeared to the eye made it hard to read, but the content was fine, I'm just too lazy to try and understand it, oh well, call me a bad person. Keep Writing!
Hey I'm Snickerdooly! I know you posted this 6 years ago but I thought it would be cool to read writing on YWS when it was relatively new.
I liked this piece
#0000FF ">I really liked this section of the poem it shows how creative and unique this poem is. It's something new that I've never read before, I also like the format.
#0000FF ">This is my favorite part of the whole poem it flowed really nicely and had great imagery
The rest of the poem didn't have any errors or mess-ups that I've seen and I thought it was really well written as well! Thanks for posting! I'm glad I got to read this even though it was written a long time ago it was still very beautiful!
Peace,
Snickerdooly
Oh my Gregory. I thought it would be fun to post a whole lot of negative comments, but I don't have that many.
I don't like this line. It isn't poetic and it doesn't fit.
This is my favorite part.
This is my least favorite part, as it resembles our conversations, not a poem.
This part is scrumptious, but maybe that's because I'm biased to coffeehouses.
-Sarah