I wasn’t looking for what I found
Obviously, since what I found was you.
Upon entering this new round
I came into a better place, a better time.
After you, the vapors still lingered in the blankets.
After you, the taste still lingered in my mouth.
When the sky fell dark
And I looked over at you
I found all the light I ever needed
To keep the straight path in view.
I wasn’t looking for what I found
But once I saw my good luck
There came realizations that it was exactly what I needed
... And that nobody else gave a fuck.
After you, the perfumes lost their scents.
After you, the lip gloss lost its flavor.
When the sky fell dark
And I had nothing left
I realized you really had left a mark
Nothing else seems as good -
Looking forward to meeting the next you,
I can’t stop wondering where we went wrong
And how we can stop it from happening again.
Funny how questions are all that’s left -
After you.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I think it might have been more the fact that it felt like you were reaching to find something that rhymed than the actual word itself that bothered me. It just threw it off. It just doesn't feel as evenly flowing as the rest of the piece.
Do you really think so, about the language?
I don't know, maybe I'm weird, but I've just never really found a problem with words like that in poetry, or in writing of any sort. It doesn't distract me, it doesn't throw my reading flow off, so when I write it, I guess it just flows for me in that sense, too.
I could understand if it was more the actual line that bothered you, maybe that using that line as half of my rhyming component in stanza four just wasn't all that poetic.
When anyone else critiques it, I'd appreciate your seven cents on that particular topic.
Nice. I can't help but feel like the expletive took away from the imagery, though. Overall, however, this is a very good piece.