Paul screamed. Janet screamed in response and nearly jumped off the lounge in fright. "For f**k's sake, Paul!"
He looked sheepishly at her and let out a nervous chuckle in a breath, "What?"
She replied, "You do that every single time! It's a toothpaste commercial for crying out loud!"
Paul looked at her, offended, "Well, sorry! The friggin' thing was scary!"
"A tube of toothpaste and a blue toothbrush was scary?"
He stared at her, a pained look echoing in his eyes, "You know I have issues with toothbrushes . . . ever since that boy rammed a toothbrush where the light don't shine."
Janet recoiled; she had forgot about Jimmy, "Just tone it down, the movie's going to start."
Paul screamed and Janet screamed in response, nearly falling of the lounge once again. She stared at him, "There's something seriously wrong with you, isn't there?"
Paul looked at her and pouted, "Not seriously . . "
"Yes, seriously. You are-"
"SHH! The movie's started!" Paul stated, cutting her off.
Janet gazed and watched transfixed.
A man in white walked past their room and glanced through the bullet proof glass. He saw two people staring at a blank wall.
He ticked off a few boxes on the sheet covering his clipboard, shook his head sadly and moved onto the next observatory room.
Janet shifted in her straight-jacket and smiled.
Paul screamed . . .
Just a note, seeminglymeaningless and I wrote this together, sentence by sentence.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I like the twist at the end, where they're in a mental institution.
In the beginning, you make it sound like a cinema, but if they are screaming in a cinema, there usually would be some reaction by the other people or the cinema staff. You need to make it clearer where you want us to think they are.
The comma should be a period. Pouting is not a form of speaking and therefore doesn't relate to the speech. If you had used a word like 'screamed' or 'said', then a comma would be in order. The same goes for when the speech comes first and then the action. If it's a speaking word, there should be a comma at the end of the speech. If it's an action, there should be a period. You did this many times in this story, just follow that rule and you'll fix it.
I don't think you need the whole "SHH!" to be in capitals. Just the first letter. Also, when someone states something, it is usually quite monotonous and said without much feeling. Paul has just yelled something, so I don't think he's going to be lacking emotion in the very next sentence.
You need a comma after "watched", because "transfixed" describes the way she was watching it.
Bulletproof is one word.
I always have trouble writing with other people, so great job on it, you two!
Well I think this is slightly funny so good job.
Dont be afraid to cuss just put it as pg 13 believe me it will be better than f&*k throughout the website.
I dont understand why they are so cool about everything if they are crazy they should be freaking out more. I dont think people would place two loonies in a room in straight jackets. Whats the point of putting them together if they cant fight it out.
This was weird and confusing, but very funny at the same time. There was something very appealing about the title, who wouldn't want to read a story named Toothpaste? It's got to be about the best title in the world!
There's not a lot for me to say because it was pretty short, but I laughed a lot. Unfortunately, I didn't really get it. Are they in a mental institution and there's no movie or something? Or were you just feeling random?
*Goes to re-read it*
*Comes back*
Okay, my eyes must not a have read the last bit. So the are in a mental institution. Still... it's pretty random.
I think the beginning is very abrupt. I'd extend it. It'd probably be more comical that way.
Good luck!
Thanks for that! I didn't realize how many things were wrong with it! ^^
Hmm. Hah, I find it interesting that you two wrote this together.
I suggest a period after "fright", so the dialogue is another sentence. Also, it's okay to write the f-word in your works (as long as it's rated R of course) but even though that I think the grammar here is wrong. At least, I've never heard it used like that. Probably, "Pete's sake" as an example?
Use italics instead of bold. That should be the way. Add an apostrophe after "friggin".
Toothbrush. No space. =)
Open quote mark - " not ' And it's "movie's".
Head.
Alright, I found this quite enjoyable for the way it started and how you twisted it in the end. However, you could make this clearer because in the beginning I thought they were in a cinema - home videos don't usually have commercials in the beginning, do they? So when it came to the part where the doctor passed their room, I got confused; not wondering and questioning, but confused. Only when I read on I could understand where they were.
There're quite a number of spelling/typing errors I'm sure you could've fixed, so just make sure you check everything before posting, k?
A fair short piece on my part. ^^
Cheers!
Fye