Not The Norm Sterotypes 2

Chapter 2

The boats drifted down the river caught on a strong current. Men in heavy and obviously awkward armour, judging by the way they all sat, spotted them and pointed, talking between themselves. The three that were awake stared, still unprepared to accept the situation. Jak laughed as realisation dawned in his dark eyes, “They’re going to kill us!”

Teeto turned his attention to where the kender had been standing beforehand. His sky blue eyes widened. Not even an inch of the kender’s large pointed ears were visible, as if he had disappeared. Slowly the boats approached. Jak let out a small giggle and Gared coughed up some oddly coloured water. Half of the elf’s tan had been washed away leaving it more golden than brown. He looked somewhat liked a drowned mouse.

Water gushed out of Teeto’s nose as he finally gathered bits of the puzzle and smashed them into place, “My fishing rod's RUINED!”

The men shot him a scathing and snide glare as they hopped off, splashing into the shallows. Suga floated by, pulled by the currents that swallowed his body, but unfortunately, or maybe it was fortunately, he was still firmly attached to the rest as long as his ear was connected to his head.

The men approached slowly with a questionable glint in their eyes. Jak slapped his scrawny arms against the surface of the water in ecstatic joy, obviously loving his nearing doom. One man pulled a sword from his waist and waved it around threateningly in the air, “Put your hands up and calmly walk towards us if you want to live.”

The three soaked males all shot each other a WTF gaze. They could barely even stand without one of them drowning while they were tangled together like this, let alone begin to walk while holding their arms up. Teeto, not the brightest crayon in the box, frowned and then followed the order.

The unbalance this action caused made Gared sink into an eels’ home, which was rather roomy, and at the same time furthering Jak away from his death source. Suga remained unworried as his unconscious body bobbed along as they jerked the line around.

Gared inhaled several litres of water as Teeto began once again to walk towards the men, standing only a few metres away. The sword-waving-man’s eyes glinted with amusement and disbelief. He snorted to himself as he ushered towards them, “Only a little further! Come on, you can make it!”

Teeto had this wide, child like smile on his face already lulled into thinking that this man was a brother like figure. He had realistically ignored all the signs that pointed to the opposite of this. First sign that he barely paid attention to – the man had a sword which was pointed at him. Second sign Teeto really didn’t register was – the way his smile seemed to curve towards his teeth, emphasising the fact that they were yellow. And every orc knew that people who had yellow teeth were not people to be trusted.

Jak, who was far from amused by his displacement of death, was glaring at the trees; as this was the only option of scenery available to him. Quite literally, Jak was strapped to Teeto’s shoulders, while on the totally opposite side of the conundrum; Gared was now probably seeing something he wouldn’t enjoy very much. Also it was highly likely that he was now glad that his hang over still hung over and made a blurry film appear in front of his eyes, it was safe to say his vision was not 20-20.

From inside his hidey hole the kender watched, a solemn look looming on his face. Words whispered out of his mouth before he could stop them, “They can’t be serious.”

His eyes followed the movements of Suga’s body as it buoyed up and down, yanked back every now and then as if the line remembered it was still very much holding the fairy tightly to the others. As soon as the men had come into view Kyle had ducked out of sight.

He clutched the object he had stolen from them tightly to his chest. They wouldn’t be getting that back, that was for sure. Tucking it back into his pocket he observed as the orc attempted once again to walk towards the man.

Jak slapped him on the head with one of his free arms and Teeto’s face crumpled in shock. His swirled his immensely large body around to gaze at whatever had hit him. Of course, nothing was there as Jak was still safely secured to his back and as Teeto had swung around so had Jak. Gared’s face was not one a person would call happy as he became aware of the fact that something was wriggling in his mouth. Bile rising in his throat mixed with most likely river water and carrots, he spat a small fish out. He let his tongue hang out of his mouth in disgust.

“What the hell are you doing? Dim wit!” it seemed to follow as soon as the fish dived back into the water.

Jak seemed to agree with Gared’s choice of words as he copped out another one onto the orc’s cheek. It left a smarting red mark. Teeto’s right eye twitched spasmodically and a vein began to throb visibly in his temple. His handsome jaw clenched and he gritted his teeth.

Gared heard the sound of teeth grinding underwater, and then as Teeto screamed Gared was absolutely sure he would never hear anything again. Even the kender, who sat back by at least 20 metres or so, cringed inwardly as the sound hit him.

It was like a giant banshee that had decided to eat a dying cat while at the same time being chased by a psycho killer. It grated at everyone’s ears like a cheese grater. All of the men dropped whatever they were holding to cover their ears. Some dropped their swords, other’s their shields, but probably the most important thing that they dropped wasn't noticed until later.

No one would have thought it was possible for anything or anyone to scream as loud, as scathing and as long as Teeto could. If there were a prise for someone who could knock out children with their singing Teeto would win hands down. Jak cupped one of his ears with his free arm and Gared look longingly at the unconscious form of Suga, wishing to escape the horror of it all.

Teeto stopped suddenly, his face boisterously red and lips unusually tinged with blue. Some of the men’s eyes widened slightly checking to see if the noise had actually and truthfully halted. Those who had crumpled into balls to block out even more sound stood straight and uncoordinatedly wobbled and swayed, some fell off the boat and were immediately dragged downstream screaming. Teeto’s voice had left quite an impression on them.

It was then that they noticed the most important crucial thing that they had dropped. Their oars. Searching frantically for them, they ran to all sides of the boats and stared at the water. One could be seen drifting away around the river bend.

Their boat quickly followed. Soon all the men on the boat were no longer visible. Jak squinted as he suddenly remembered something. Reaching his free hand into his pants left pocket he pulled something metallic out. A dazzling sharp razorblade.

Of course, this was an essential for someone like Jak. He reached towards the fishing line and barely even skimmed it before the line twanged into two separate pieces. Jak fell into the water as he was no longer tied to Teeto’s shoulders and Gared sprung up to take in several deep gulps of air.

Something nodded up and down in the water and as they all attempted to regain their composure Teeto looked at it with his head cocked to one side in confusion, blinking rapidly. The blond orc frowned, “Isn’t that the water fairy?”

Gared’s eyebrows formed into a single messy unkempt line of incomprehension, “WHAT?”

Teeto yelled back, “THE FAIRY!”

“OF COURSE YOU’RE HAIRY! YOU’RE AN ORC.” Gared was in no mood for talking to a dim wit. He tapped the side of his head and muddy liquid trickled out of his ear. His lip quivered in disgust. Jak gazed longingly at the razor in his hand before putting it into his pocket, where it belonged – just in case.

Teeto pointed hysterically at Suga and Jak followed the direction of his finger. Then Jak’s dark eyes widened as he saw the body. He tugged on Gared’s drenched sleeve finally understanding the situation and gestured towards Suga. Jak and Gerard stared at it the child like creature as it slowly drifted out of their reach. With an annoyed and exasperated sigh, Kyle who had been watching with scepticism, sprung from his hiding spot and dived for the line still fastened to the hook clasped in Suga’s ear.

He tugged the fairy in and lugged him onto the river bank. In the midst of confusion the fairy was once again forgotten. The elf, the human and the orc gazed at the kender in wonder. Then Jak swore, “Damn, I didn’t die.”

“OF COURSE YOU CAN’T FLY!” replied Gerard as he cuffed the teen around the head. Then Jak tackled him into the water with a smile and he laughed as the ragged elf began to throttle him. In between laboured breaths of air the words that were said were, “Yes!” bubble, “kill,” blub, blub, “ME!”

Teeto was still staring at the kender, a startled and dazed look in his eyes. Kyle returned the glare, already regretting his stupid heroic actions, his red eyes hard and steely. Then a warm smile spread over the orc’s charming face, “LOOK! It’s a mutant elf!”

And, yeah, this is just a fun spoof.