I looked back and forth, desperately searching for some way to escape. No, they had me surrounded and I knew they were out to get me. Some people would call me paranoid, but I knew they would be wrong.
I caught someone staring at me and I tried to move. NO! They had me tied down as well. NO! My breathing became erratic and I tugged at the bands that held me in. LET ME OUT!
I wanted to scream, but my mouth was taped and I knew they were going to kill me. They were going to choke me to death! I knew they wanted to; I could feel their stares on my body, eating away my precious soul. But they wouldn’t get it all; I’d get them before they could.
I wanted to laugh, but my breath began to stop. NO! Poison! Poison in the air! How could they sink so low? HOW!?! I tried not to breath and my thoughts ran in non-stop circles – I found myself thinking back to the poison. POISON!! Oh my god, I’m going to die! I took in a big gasp of air.
They are going to kill me! I know they are. Please some one help me!! I attempted talking and found that they had taken off my mouth guard! SUCKERS! They probably thought I was dead, didn’t they? Well, they’d be in one hell of a shock when I escaped and got them back!
I took a few deep breaths out of my mouth, savouring the fresh air. They had stopped the poison thinking me dead. I felt stares on my body still. THEY WERE STILL WATCHING ME! Were they going to bury my body? Maybe they’d burry me alive. NO! I can’t I have to live. I have to go on and tell the police.
If not there’s no telling what they’ll do if they have free reign over this city! I couldn’t let them do this to everyone. I’d die for the sake of everyone else. Yes, that was a romanticisms death. The kind I’d always wanted.
Something touched me shoulder and I screamed; it recoiled obviously threatened by they fact that I was still alive. Maybe it was carrion, come to claim my body. HA! I’d have to die first for them to do that. I laughed a little, but stopped aware of the fact that if I somehow notified them of me still living they’d put poison in the air again. I COULDN’T LET THEM DO THAT!
All this thinking was making me dizzy. Suddenly something shoved a pill into my mouth and in shock I swallowed it. I felt it slide down, occasionally getting suck on the wall of my throat. Oh no! Drugs!
There’d be drugs in it! And I swallowed it! NO! Oh, no what have I done. I’ll probably wake up in heaven!
I began feeling queasy and I knew that the drug had taken effect. I was going to die! Going to die without a reason! No, I wasn’t going to live with that! I took a deep breath and used my whole strength against the bonds that held me down. With great effort they gave and I lurched forward. I’d get that person who was always watching me.
I could feel their gaze and I followed the unearthly feeling. The thing on my face would have to wait; I’d get the watcher first! I didn’t need to see to destroy this un-human being!
I felt their presence and I ran towards it arms out stretched in front of me. My hands ready for the kill, I grabbed where I knew their throats would be.
I wrestled the watcher to the floor and held my hands around its neck strangling it. Yes! This was it, I felt my energies fading from the drugged pill it had given me, but I win in the end. I began to laugh as it struggled against my hands. It wouldn‘t win! I was stronger by far!
Perhaps it was the drug or perhaps it was the same kind of strength a mother gained when she pulled her baby out of building rubble. I put more pressure on and I could feel it gasping underneath.
Suddenly something hit the back of my head. AHH! Pain! It felt as if several different sizes of pins had been stabbed in the back of my head. I let go of the inhuman being and felt my head. Something sticky came off and as blackness presented itself to my mind; I knew I had lost the fight.
My death would be in vain and now they would win. I was aware of screaming as I faded off and I took relish from it as I knew it would be the last sound I would be hearing for a while.
---------
The nurse looked at Mr. Gibson worriedly, “Trish, he’s acting a little weird, don’t you think?”
The old man sitting in the chair was shaking his arms as if straining against something. The woman looked at him and then sprayed a little bit of her deodorant on herself, spraying him in the process, “Nah, he’s actually looking dandy for his age. A pity he’s blind – the old coot.”
She nodded and then walked out for a second, “Keep an eye on him you hear? And make sure you don’t move a lot, he hates that . . . don’t forget his pill either.”
Trish left and Jess sat there watching him, ensuring he did no harm to himself. Suddenly he began to hyperventilate and she laid a hand on his shoulder, which he screamed at – scaring the hell out of her and making her snatch her arm back. She watched him for a while longer then remembered what Trish had said, “The pill right.”
Jess walked into the kitchen and pulled out the medicine case. Running her fingers along it until she came to one labelled, “Sleeping Pill.”
She nodded – that was the right one. Jess slipped accidentally slipped a few out and had to replace them before picking one up and walking back into the lounge-room. Mr Gibson was now breathing deep and Jess stared at him. Was it a good idea to give this man who was breathing hard these pills?
She shrugged; maybe it would calm him down him better. She smiled at this reasoning and walked slowly and quietly towards Mr. Gibson. With effective precision she placed the pill in his mouth at the base where she knew he’d had no option other than to swallow it.
Surprisingly, he swallowed it without hassle and then sat still for a while. Jess let out a relieved sigh; her judgement had been right. Turning around she made way to the seat.
Suddenly something tackled her and she looked up to see Mr. Gibson lying on top of her holding his hands near her neck. Panic on her face she struggled away from him and his hands grew closer until they rested upon her throat.
She took a deep breath just as Mr Gibson put pressure into his hands. He was smiling, but the unnatural dull in his milky blind eyes gave her an unearthly chill. He began to press down more and it was starting to become hard to breathe.
Jess knew that it was getting worse by the second wiggled underneath him - desperately trying to throw him off somehow. Mr Gibson was now squeezing pushing any air, which would normally reach her lungs, out.
She grasped at his hands and felt her body going weak. Jess was running out of air and she knew she wouldn’t last long. After a little struggle once again, she let her hands fall; giving up she closed her eyes.
Suddenly Mr Gibson wasn't choking her anymore and she took a DEEP intake of breath. Opening her eyes she let out the scream she had wanted to before. Scrambling out from under him she shakily stood and looked at the person who had saved her.
Trish stood there deodorant can in hand with a large dent in the middle of it. She shook her head and frowned sadly, “I told you not to move a lot.”
This was written after I asked my parents: “What is something crazy that only an insane man would do?”
Step-dad: “A crazy man strangling the nurse that looked after him.”
Me: “Okay.”
I started writing this story a few minutes later. What was the point? Well, it’s here – sometimes people really do live in their own little worlds.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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I liked the plot to the story and the contrast between two perspectives on what happened, i do have some comments though.
The beginning is very frantic and although its reflecting the insane panic of the mans mind i think it could be toned down a little, with less exclamation marks. I think it would make the whole attempting murder scene a lot more sinister if the character was developed as someone a bit less panicky (i know his mind is supposed to be but a little less so he seems more creepy as well as mad would add to the effect of the choking scene).
I like the writing but it is drumming into the reader how mad he is, a bit more subtlety might have a better effect. And missing out more exclamation marks will make the ones you do use stand out more and have more of an effect. For instance
could be changed to 'No... poison. Poison in the air!' Showing more of the panic building up as he thinks of what is happening.
I also did not realise he was blind until the description of his milky eyes, perhaps you could add in about 'nothing but blackness' when showing his thoughts?
Overall though i did like your story line and with a bit of going over i think it could be better
Honestly? I didn't like it much. You were trying way too hard to make us believe that this man was crazy.
My suggestion would be to calm the writing down. You should never use all caps – it looks immature, like you can't get your point across any other way. Focus on the details. Let us smell the deodorant, sense his fear. Focus on those an insane amount. When people become afraid for a paranoid reason, in their minds they think it makes sense.
I have anxiety myself. I freak out a lot, and while I know that it makes no sense at all – no one's in the house with me – I can't calm down. My breathing and heart rate speed up to scary speeds. I hear and smell everything. I'm jumpy. And that's just anxiety – I know it's irrational. This man is crazy – he doesn't understand that it's irrational. It'd be even worse.
Also, I'd like it better if you merged the two sections. Don't make the second half so obvious – make us have to figure it out. Let us hear the women talk, but not know why.
Oh, and focus on the blind bit more. I didn't realize he was blind until you went out and said it.
Good plot, just try to mature the writing a bit – let us feel it, don't just make it scream 'crazy!'
PM me for anything.
~JFW1415
of course they do, dear,
we all live in our own worlds, why? you ask?
Because reality is just a word.
sounds so simple, but it means so much,
anyways, I enjoyed hte story, is was somewhat suspenseful, and connected personally to me, in a way, (my famliy has a history of mental illness (means we all nutty as a can od planters))
but it's all good fun, and yeah, the old man strangled her to death... yeach, thats gruesome, (haha) but funny, ina way, I don't know, It's horrible that I think that's funny.
I wrote a story about a crazy girl once, you should read it. Its "A service to Society"
anyways, I noticed a few grammar/ punctuation/spelling, whatever mistakes be sure to take care of them, other than that, I thought it was quite nicely done.
Peace,
God