waiting - praying - wishing - hoping

by Light_Devil!

Published January 27, 2010

In Fiction

*Uhh, I just realised that somehow I double posted . . . I just deleted it. Please forgive me! :smt005 *

waiting - praying - wishing - hoping

The small girl turned towards her father, hate dancing like a flame in her eyes, “I have never even thought of you as my Dad. Go away!

The father smiled kindly, as he was allowed only that and not to come or go near to his only spouse. His mouth did not open to say any words; his eyes spoke and told all that needed to be said.

They were filled with parental love, nothing more, nothing less and as he turned on his foot and walked away, his daughter did not notice the tears that trailed down his cheeks and that plopped soundlessly onto the ground.

The girl just stood, stock still, where he had left her; her small clenched fists, trembling with barely bottled anger, listlessly hanging by her sides. Her head tilted almost directly downward with strands of hair softly playing in the wind which would fleetingly cover her fiery gaze that bored through the ground as if it were nothingness.

She did not see how hesitant his steps were, as if he were waiting to be called out to stop. She saw nothing except the hatred which blinded her and the fact that he had just walked away, nothing else, proving that he didn’t love her at all. She saw only what she perceived as her father walked away from her crying. She saw only what she wanted as he crossed the road, slowly, lost in a broken hearted haze, not even realizing that he was indeed crossing.

And then what she saw was what she would never forget.

As her father crossed the road - uncaring, his eyes still spilling delicate, salty drops and not knowing anything except the feeling of his heart being torn, still praying for his beloved daughter to ask him to stop, walking slowly wishing she might run after him - a car going 100km an hour flew straight into him. As the impact hit he was thrown back, only meters away from his daughter's loathing gaze.

Blood was strewn across the street, painting it an abnormal crimson red. And as he struck the harsh cement, knowing that his life was ending, he heard something which made him smile through all the pain.

Something which made the father smile kindly, as he was allowed only that and he could no longer come or go near his only spouse. His mouth did not open to say any words, because he had no strength left to; his eyes spoke and told all that needed to be said.

For the thing which he heard, which made him accept his own death with happiness, was the very thing he had been hoping for. As the daughter realized that he had been hit, in a blood curdling voice, she had screamed, “DAD!”

*Wow, this is very sad. :( I only just remembered I wrote this and I decided to post it to see what people would think. Say what you want. :) *

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
Ranger Hawk
Review
Ranger Hawk wrote a review Review · Feb 7, 2010

Wow, this was amazing. You truly have a gift with words. It was so powerful and descriptive; you did an excellent job.

There was only one thing I noticed, and I'm a little loath to mention it because everything else was so perfect.

They were filled with parental love, nothing more, nothing less and as he turned on his foot and walked away, his daughter did not notice the tears that trailed down his cheeks and that plopped soundlessly onto the ground.


This was a very long run-on, and the part at the end sounds rather awkward. Maybe you could cut it into two sentences, like "They were filled with parental love, nothing more, nothing less. As he turned on his heel and walked away, his daughter did not notice the tears that trailed down his cheeks and fell soundlessly onto the ground." Also, "plopped" sounds a little cheerful here, like the sound from a light spring rain, instead of the heaviness that you're conveying throughout the rest of the piece.

Again, you've done a beautiful job. Well done! :)

AspiringAuthorA..M. wrote a review Review · Feb 7, 2010

As her father crossed the road - uncaring, his eyes still spilling delicate, salty drops and not knowing anything except the feeling of his heart being torn, still praying for his beloved daughter to ask him to stop, walking slowly wishing she might run after him - a car going 100km an hour flew straight into him. As the impact hit he was thrown back, only meters away from his daughter's loathing gaze.

Blood was strewn across the street, painting it an abnormal crimson red. And as he struck the harsh cement, knowing that his life was ending, he heard something which made him smile through all the pain.


The man was still conscious, let alone alive? Goodness, three girls were killed by a car going about the same speed.

But, enough of that. I envy you Azrael. Somehow you can make time flow. I always seem to make three minutes seven pages of writing. No wonder my English teacher gives me writing limits. There's just so much to describe in the world around us.


I give you a :smt023

- :smt059

User avatar
Light_Devil!
Comment
Light_Devil! commented Comment · Jan 28, 2010

:D

Thank you both!

I only just realised that you never knew where the girl was. Thank you for pointing that out. I tried to fix that up.

Thank you both very much.

:D

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.

ToritheMonster wrote a review Review · Jan 28, 2010

Aw! This was really sad! I'm all teary over here. Although that could be because I'm overtired. I don't know. Really nice work. You have got talent! Just use Nick's nitpicks and this will be amazingly awesome!

Nice job, keep writing!!!!

--Dreamy115

Random avatar
Nick101
Review
Nick101 wrote a review Review · Jan 27, 2010

Light Devil this is amazing! I'm not just saying this because I do a storybook with you. Although what does that have to do with this? I don't know.
You have fantastic description! You can portray deep emotion very well. That is something that takes time to learn for some writers.

Light_Devil! wrote:For the thing which he heard, which made him accept his own death with happiness, was the very thing he had been hoping for. As the daughter realized that he had been hit, in a blood curdling voice, she had screamed, “DAD!”


That is my favorite part. You can really feel the emotions from the characters. I liked that. As I read this piece over again I found myself believing that the piece really took place. It felt like I was really there. Good job!

Just one thing, where is the girl?
Light_Devil! wrote: As the impact hit he was thrown back, only meters away from his daughter's loathing gaze.

The first time I read this I asked myself is she sitting on the curb or something?
I just needed to be clarified on that.
Overall wonderfully written, beautifully portrayed emotions, excellent description!



You can, you should, and if you’re brave enough to start, you will.
— Stephen King