Published November 13, 2010
Trodden into dirt so cruelly
left behind and ignored truly
lies a man, once proud and strong,
but cast aside for things gone wrong.
Lo! for what did fate befall
this man whose own kin made him thrall
to make him pay for his own thoughts,
his guardian angels for him casting lots.
This man, confused by fate so true
is still behind, and dying too.
His strength long gone, his spirit crushed,
he'll cry until his cries are shushed
And then he wonders, pausing Death,
"Why did exhaustion take my Breath?
I was still young; too young to die!"
then Death replies, "Dreams gone awry."
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141,435 Literary Works • 674,415 Reviews
I enjoyed this poem quite a bit. I especially liked the last stanza. You have a good idea and you developed it well. Your rhyming was a little bit distracting to me though. I suggest trying to get those same ideas down on paper without a rhyme scheme and see which you like better.
Time to begin,
For me, this sentence was slightly confusing. It seems that the second line is saying that his kin had him under their control, and I'm not sure if that is what you want it to mean because it doesn't seem to go with the third line; to make him pay for his own thoughts. I also don't understand what you mean when you say; his guardian angels for him casting lots.
Otherwise this was a wonderfully written poem, it flowed and it seemed that you've felt something similar to having your dreams crushed and 'trodden' on. Perhaps you too were left behind and ignored truly.
This poem had little or no errors, it was well written, it made sense, it flowed and it captured an emotion well.
- Wisp