The Pharoahs Friends

by Lifeasiknowit
  • May 14, 2011
  • Poetry
  • Other

Scarab beetles and scorpions coexist along side each other, to scrounge the morsles of food they can find in the dark, barren, tomb. They cover every inch of the floor making a shiny black carpet of exoskeletons. They are the only friends to the mummy who resides in the solitary tomb. The carcass of a once loved Pharaoh now lies amongst a sea of scuttling legs. The only sound to be heard is the snapping of claws and the rustlings in the sand.

Oh Lord, tell me what you think?

Comments & reviews · 3
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MeanMrMustard
Review
MeanMrMustard wrote a review · Fri May 27, 2011 8:45 pm

Lifeasiknowit wrote:Scarab beetles and scorpions coexist along side each other, to scrounge the morsles of food they can find in the dark, barren, tomb. They cover every inch of the floor making a shiny black carpet of exoskeletons. They are the only friends to the mummy who resides in the solitary tomb. The carcass of a once loved Pharaoh now lies amongst a sea of scuttling legs. The only sound to be heard is the snapping of claws and the rustlings in the sand.


Life, your intention here to make a prose poem is lost between describing the beetles and simply stating common fact. They're is basically...nit much of anything here to dissect or really to make sense of beyond you aren't adapting your words to either prose or poetry. It's like a report.

You should try something more in a line format and keep away from statements, otherwise we have a conflict in execution and focus, and even more in the writers original appreciation of the work.

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sarebear
Review
sarebear wrote a review · Sat May 14, 2011 3:56 pm

Hi!

So I'm going to start with my technical nitpicks. First of all, Pharaoh is misspelt in the title and in the piece.

Scarab beetles and scorpions #FF0000 ">coexist along side #FF0000 ">each other, to scrounge the #FF0000 ">morsels of food they can find in the dark, barren#FF0000 ">,tomb. They cover every inch of the floor making a shiny black carpet of exoskeletons. The mummy resides in the tomb, they are his only friend#FF0000 ">,in the blackness of their world. #FF0000 ">This sentence reads as awkward. Try rephrasing.The #FF0000 ">carcass of a once loved #FF0000 ">Pharaoh now lies amongst a sea of scuttling legs. The only sound to be heard is the snapping of claws and the rustlings in the sand.


Overall I enjoyed this description--it's good for us all to write some descriptive pieces every now and then. In general, just from a reviewers standpoint, it would be nice if you would run a spell-check on a piece before submitting it.

Thanks for the read and keep writing!
Sare



trust your heart if the seas catch fire (and live by love though the stars walk backward)
— E.E. Cummings