[pre]The sky to me appears to be ablaze.
With flames that can ignite the very soul.
And love, within the soul can stir a daze
So pure that if in want, one is not whole.
A life of love is beautiful and wrong.
So tragic that the soul can only burn.
Amidst the ashes, one can hear loves song
So pure, it re-ignites desire’s yearn.
To find, such song, we look within our hearts
And pray that when the leap is made, we fly.
For some, the leap can tear the soul apart.
And it does, we fall instead of fly.
To whom I love so perilous distraught,
Without the purest song, love is but naught.[/pre]
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there.
The poem doesn't really have a specific purpose or message that you are trying to convey. To me, they seem to be a bunch of metaphors and similies which are linked to love in some way, but they don't flow together to craete a concrete message or theme.
For example, how does
is linked with
But just trying to make things connect and flow in unison is just the least of your worries.
Andy.
It wasn't horrible! I liked it. Trust me. My first post was horrible.
Your primary concern should be "Am I saying something new about love?"
No-no, the Yoda-speak is. Basically, if you're messing with the syntax of an otherwise normal sentence, you're probably not going to sound very good.(The answer right now is "Not really.")
But in other issues regarding the sonnet:
Rhyme. Throughout the ENTIRE poem, I repeat, the ENTIRE thing, the rhyme and rhythm are ridiculously forced. This means that you need to spend more time with it and work on sounding natural when you write. Forced rhyme/rhythm means that you're changing your sentences around, picking weird words, and just sounding "off' in general in order to fit into a structure. But your poem should not revolve around its structure!
Here are just a few examples of where the rhyme/rhythm make the poem practically impossible to understand:
"Desire's yearn" is totally redundant. I know that 'yearn' was only put there to rhyme with burn.
Passive voice! Yuck!
Also, 'fly' and 'fly' are not rhymes. They are the same word.
As you know, I am not very good at analysing sonnets, but I will do my best...
Perhaps you could put And pray that when we make the leap, we fly.
Ok, like I said I am not very good at analysing sonnets, but otherwise it seems pretty good, although there is something a bit strange about For some, the leap can tear the soul apart.And it does, we fall instead of fly. but I can't quite put my finger on it, so I won't comment anymore.
~SishBee~
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