Suffocating

Hi, Lies!

Very neat song you have here! You've got some great imagery going on -- awesome metaphors. Granted, the song's message is not so awesome. xD It makes me all sad. But ignoring that, the song is very well done. And I've only a couple small points that popped in my head! They can be completely ignored too. Whatever!

First thing I want to mention is in these two verses (or choruses?):

It’s hard to get on your knees
When your legs are broken
It’s hard to enter a plea
When your jaw is broken
It’s more difficult to breath
When you’re suffocating

It’s hard to be a beggar
When your mouth is covered
It’s hard to pull the trigger
When your fingers are broken
It’s better that you were dead
than be suffocating

I would like to see (or hear?) the bolded lines sound more like the italics. Basically, some parallel structure! The song itself doesn't mention that suffocating is a whole lot worse. It just says the speaker is going through all sorts of pain. (This may go for the title as well then.) So try doing "it's hard to cast a breath" or "it's hard to live a life / while suffocating." Something like that or work at making the suffocating bit more important to the song itself.

The only other points I had was for the end:

So foolishly brave like a man
But so destructively naïve as a woman
So foolishly brave like a man would be
But so destructively naïve as a woman is

I felt this was also out of place in the song. For an ending, anyway. There was no other place in the song where gender wars were brought up like it was here. There's nothing wrong with it! I just don't see a tie, and the ending should always have something to do with the rest of the song. It's a good place to bring back important messages or metaphors. The conclusion is the bow tied around the wrapped present!

But those are the only two points. I do like what you have so far though, and with maybe some revision or lengthening, it can turn into something really cool.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Well, first off welcome to YWS and a great first poem. I'll probably sound really mean, but take it how you like.

Overall I enjoyed the poem. It lacks imagery, but that's not always important in poetry. This seems to have emotion. There are a couple things however. I'll admit I'm going to be a bit all-over-the-place in this review.

than be suffocating

Capitalize that T! That's really my only nitpick. Otherwise things looked pretty good and dandy, but spelling and grammar aren't really my department.

And now, your flow. It has a bumpy flow, but it still looks like it has a pattern. I'd read it a couple times and try to even some things out. Like what I'm saying is...well, I'll just try to quote an example.

Ugly as a brightly smiling face
But not as alarming as respect
Quickly learn to shake away light
Then learn to ignore what you’d expect

These four lines are a pretty good example. When you read them they all seem choppy. But I have picked up on your format, and with a format like this the middle stanza always ends up to be displaced, quite a sad thing really . Some of these lines end abruptly while others are related. In general, though, the flow of the poem is poetic regardless if it doesn't flow gracefully. However I don't know your specific definition of poetry, so that's up to you whether or not you fix it.

And, the first stanza. It is a little bit all over the place.

Pretty as a slightly bleeding cut
But not as flamboyant as a bruise
Quietly shaking away from light
And secretly longing to show the ruse
A contradiction of the sad sort
To which the lower lip’s busted shut
As pretty as a small bleeding gash
To remember your past swollen gut

I don't understand what makes a bruise exactly "flamboyant," and more outstanding than a gaping wound. if anything it just makes more sense the other way around. I also think I detect the thing I do a lot-- and that's just saying something to be different. Generally blood is shiny, so I think that the majority of people would say the other way around. Now again, this is just my personal opinion and I really don't have a "Fact" for this one. But I hope you understand what I was saying. Also, the flow is again a little disembodied(again). You also use "pretty as a" twice for something that's pretty (no pun intended) similar, and if you used the same phrase twice, the repetition wouldn't be all too good. So I definitely recomend fixing up this stanza.

And in terms of the subject, it seems you/someone is a little bit upset with someone you have a nasty history with.

So. There. Thats my review. Yep. I was actually surprised at how this turned out, I thought I was going to write a short, puny review. So happy writing and again welcome to YWS.

-Skis