Published August 11, 2011
Listen, mother fuckers, I’ve got something to say
And I don’t give a fuck, just let come what may
You see my life’s not fucking great
And I have the need to investigate
My attributions and contributions
Never let me lack of my admiration
Mental segregation
Isolation is a bitch
None of you fuck’s can scratch my itch
~Chorus~
I’m not like you
(Yeah, yeah, yeah…yeah)
See just like you
(Yeah, yeah, yeah…yeah)
Fuck just like you
(Yeah, yeah, yeah…yeah)
Oh Shit!
LISTEN
Nonsense keeps coming forth from nothing
Which is something never identified or exemplified
Everything is really fucked up, ever noting
That once is now gone but forever multiplied
Always told you to shut your fucking mouth
You never listened, so now I’m filled up with mental doubts
(Chorus)
Back in the back, in the back, in the back, in the back of my mind
Shot in the back, in the back, in the back, in the back from my kind
Oh I’m such a…
Oh I’m such a…
Oh I’m such a mess
(Listen mother fuckers)
Back in the back, in the back, in the back, in the back of my mind
(Listen mother fuckers)
Shot in the back, in the back, in the back, in the back from my kind
(Listen mother fuckers)
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138,377 Literary Works • 672,111 Reviews
Hello again! I just seem to be stopping by a lot of your works, haven't I? You're very good though, and I look forward to reading more. Honestly, it's rejuvenating my lost interest in music writing. =D
This isn't really one of your best works, in my opinion. And it's not the language I'm referring to, don't worry. xD But I think what you're trying to portray through this song is pretty original, which is always a good thing! I'll start from the beginning of the piece then and point out what stood out to me.
This is a pretty classic opener for any rap song, so I'm already on the "meh" side of this song. That aside, I find these two lines were contradictory. The speaker is trying to grab the listener's attention in the first line, and then the next, the speaker says he doesn't care. To me, that implies the speaker doesn't care if the listener listens or care about what they're saying, which contradicts what the first line implies.
I really like the rest of the verse though! The bold line here did not fit grammatically well in my head though, so maybe a rephrase? Probably nothing to worry about though. Lots of songs seem to dodge the grammar part. ;D
Your chorus was probably the most glaring bit next to the opening two lines for me; I just edited out the yeah's. Anyway, the first line is awesome. It's an excellent lead for your chorus in voicing the point of this song. The rest of it didn't do anything for me though. They just sound like filler, and I don't really believe these lines belong in such an important part of the song. D:
What we have is the awesome first line exclaiming, like the rest of the song, that the speaker is not like everyone. Such a great lead in! Then the next line, a continuation of the previous, messes me up a bit. I'm assuming the speaker is saying he *can* see like the others, but it sounds like the speaker says he *can't*. Same goes for the third line, and then the fourth is just a random exclamation for a chorus. Anyway, I could suggest maybe having the first line lead into a "but I'm also like you in this way and this way" sort of thing or at least make it clear. I'm not sure how to go about it since you probably have a better idea what's going on here. I'd like the chorus to be much more clear about the song's message, that I could identify and generalize the song just by hearing the chorus.
I really can't begin to describe my love for these two lines. Really, really awesome job here!
So overall, I think this actually needs some work. Reshape it a bit 'cause the message gets lost easily, but it's such a good one, and I don't want to see it dwindle. D: Good luck, and I'll see you around!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hi there!
This was a really good piece, but I definitely think there are too many cuss words in it. I understand what you were going for, but you could've worded it differently. Take another look at it and try to rewrite it without the cuss words. You can leave a couple in there, but I would suggest leaving the word 'fuck' out of the chorus.
Keep writing!
Yeah, almost all of the swearing in this is completely unnecessary. This would have been much better without it. other than that, there's not too much wrong with it, and it's not bad.
I like the idea and some of it is really good. I think you have a lot of unnecessary swearing. I know a lot of songs nowadays do, but you could get the same point across without using "fuck" almost every line. I guess if it's rap or heavy metal where no one can understand what you're saying then it'll be fine.