A/N: Alright, this is actually my first time writing supernatural, so I'm pretty nervous posting this but I want feedback, and I don't really have anywhere else to put it.
The title, I know, it's very dumb, but it's just a working title. As the plot moves forward, and if you have suggestions for titles, please tell me!
And, if you're going to review, I'd like to see it revolve around pacing, the plot, the character development, etc., more than grammar or punctuation, because I can just get to that stuff later.
Thank you! :)
Chapter 1
Thursday evening, Will Winchester was walking back to his house in the rain, drenched in his suit. He had just given an interview and he wasn’t having very high hopes for being accepted.
Sighing, he turned a corner and unlocked the tiny house and his wife - Audrey - greeted him from the tiny living room without looking up. Her eyes were on something else.
As usual, her blonde hair was messily wrapped up in a bun, her long sleeve white shirt tucked into her shorts from the front only.
She was painting again. Her easel was beside the TV and her hand gracefully moved over the canvas, paintbrush in hand, as she painted the rain outside. The London Eye could be seen clearly from here, and it was Audrey’s favorite view to paint. There was always life in her paintings, as if you could step into it and everything would be real. As if Audrey could paint up anything in the entire world.
Sometimes she painted the guests who came over - which was very rare, since they were considered an odd couple in their locality.
Will let out a relieved sigh. He felt good when he saw his wife so happy. He hugged her from the back and she yelped, dropping her paintbrush on her palette, and setting it down on the coffee table. Audrey looked around at him.
“You’re drenched!”
“Oh gosh, the world has ended, dear Lord, help me.” Will said sarcastically, tossing his bag on the couch.
Audrey tousled his red hair. “Idiot.”
“I love you too.”
She rolled her blue eyes and went to the only bathroom in the house to get a dry towel. She handed it over to Will and he gratefully accepted it, drying himself before he took a seat on the couch.
“How’d the interview go?” she asked, sitting across from him.
“Meh.” Will shut his green eyes and leaned back into the couch, kicking off his shoes.
“Oh, shut up, tell me!” she groaned.
“I really don’t know, Aud.” he said flatly. “The manager of the publishing company didn’t look very impressed, if I’m honest with you.”
There was a brief pause. The silence was heavy. Audrey let out a deep sigh. “What are we going to do? We haven’t given the rent in forever, and we’re basically broke.”
Will got up and sat beside her, cradling her in his lanky arms. “It’s fine, Aud, we’ll figure it out. We always do. You’re making a good amount of money by selling your paintings, and I’m making money as a clerk at the hospital. Everything is going to be fine, I promise. As long as I have you, we’re good.”
Audrey cuddled closer to her husband. “Do you want dinner?”
“Please. I’m starving.” he said.
Audrey pulled away from Will and smirked, her dimple showing. Will loved that so much about her. “It’s your turn tonight. Dishes are mine.” she got up and went over to her easel to continue painting.
Will chuckled at her behavior, got up reluctantly, and headed into the kitchen, which was only a doorway away. They didn’t even have a dining room. There was the living room, the kitchen, the couples’ room which wasn’t that big, the storage, and that one bathroom.
That was it. We’re basically broke.
Quickly, Will whipped up vegetable soup and hunted down some crackers to have them with. He placed everything in a big tray and brought it to the living room. Sitting down on the ground, he called over Audrey. “C’mon. It’s soup and crackers.”
“Mmm, delicious.” Audrey complimented after a few bites.
Will smiled. He didn’t care if he lived in a mansion, a tiny house or a rundown shack - as long as he was with his beautiful wife, he was fine, and he knew everything would be fine.
***
Will and Audrey had decided that on Friday night, they would go out to an Italian restaurant to have lunch. They hadn’t gone out for food in a while, so they decided that since the mood in the house was depressing and hopeless, they just had to get out.
“Aud, you take forever to get ready.” Will teased from the front door. His wife was still in the bathroom, testing outfits, checking herself out in the mirror and seeing what would look best on her.
Audrey was in a simple red-flannel shirt, black jeans, and the sneakers she had since the good old days in university. Will had just thrown on a sweatshirt, khakis and his black converse.
They walked in the area’s downtown, passing the bustling streets - honking cars, vrooming motorcycles, the like. Every time they passed a bird, insect, or anything interesting, Audrey took a picture of it with her camera that she carried around with her at all times.
Will turned a corner, Audrey following him, and stopped in front of the restaurant. He looked again at the Google Maps app he had opened, double checking if this really was the place they were going to have lunch.
It was. Audrey caught up with Will, letting out a low whistle at the sight.
It was small. Barely anyone was in there. Actually, no one was in there but the waiter. They could see from the large window at the front. Italian Heaven was its name.
Audrey liked the sound of that and dragged her husband in. The cashier at the far left corner was Asian. He was dressed in something that looked more like rags than anything else. His eyes were closed and he was sleeping - stand-sleeping, more like. The man’s name was Akolxohez, according to the name tag he was wearing. Will eyed the man cautiously, the hair on the back of his neck standing up.
Audrey and Will looked at each other. What the heck? Will mouthed. Audrey just shrugged, Dunno.
Will coughed, an attempt to wake up the Akolxohez person.
“Um, excuse me?” Will spoke up.
The cashier looked up, startled.
Audrey’s jaw fell open, and she heard a click. Will took a step back, terrified.
The man’s abnormally large eyes had black slits for pupils and blood-red irises. He cocked his head, then he grinned, revealing his white teeth and sharp fangs.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,731 Reviews
wONKY
omg are u reading this one
this one is actually good there's some weird random things but it's actually good bro it actually is
girl i went thru it line by line it's lowkey worse
stop no ur worse
ok maybe because this was almost 3 years ago but i have a slightly better version now go away
who asked tho?
go away
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi. You story has been chosen as my next target. So expect to get pelted with reviews sometime soon.
Okay. I'll do that. Besides I don't normally check grammar or punctuation that often.(Mostly because I'm bad at spotting those things. If you read one of my stories you'll see what I mean.)
First Impression: Pretty good first chapter. You introduce a great motive for the characters right at the start and the characters get pretty unique personalities straightaway.
Okay onto the story,
Pretty smooth introduction to our two characters here. Pretty nicely done.
Great dialogue there. This part and the next does a great job of showing their relationship. So all in all really well done on that.
Okay that was some really nice exposition there. Blended in pretty smoothly without feeling like it was getting hammered into our skulls.
So this suggests that it's Will's POV. If that's the case you should probably use italics for the thoughts so that it's clear that they are thoughts. Or else it'll sound like the narrator suddenly took a break and Will took over.
So how do they plan to afford that? Or is this a really cheap restaurant?
I think it's the latter judging by the appearance of the restaurant but I had to ask.
Nitpick: You mention that only the waiter was there but then there's also a cashier.
How on Earth did you come up with that name? Did your cat jump on the keyboard or something?
Lovely cliffhanger right there to end on.
And that's it.
Overall: Really good opening chapter. The pacing was pretty good. Nothing too fast, nothing too slow. Reasonable amount of character development for a first chapter. And great ending.
And of course take what you think is helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Aaah thanks for the review!! Also, about the POV: in the upcoming chapters, it gets pretty messy. ^^"
Your Welcome!!
Oh dear. Watch out for that. Rapid POV shifts can be a bit disorienting.
Heyo, I'm here to review (duh) so you know my name
I hope..and I've been busy today with dying my hair green, homework, and tests. So, let me just get into it!Ok, the first line was all good until drenched in his suit. came along. It completely throws the sentence structure off!
A better and more understandable way to word your opening sentence:
On a rainy Thursday evening, Will Winchester was walking to his house, clad in a drenched suit.
See how much clearer it is! And, to be honest, I see this thing throughout. The flow just doesn't... flow? It's okay in some parts, but pretty choppy in others. I won't go through and nitpik it all, but re-read and you'll see what I mean.
“You’re drenched!”
We've established that. Change the adjective. I know you've only had it once so far, but tell us something about Audery's persona. Maybe she's an orderly person. "You're dripping all over the floor!" or more laid back. "You're soaking wet!"
Also, if she knew he'd be walking, why would she be so surprised? Or was it just shock from the cold? Oh well, moving on. I like Will's answer though, it made me giggle.
At the part where he just accepted a towel. Maybe he'd rather change first? Or shower? Or something just to give the story a bit of transition and steady the pace. You don't wanna overload the mind, haha.
“Please. I’m starving.” he said[/s] Same, dude. But, I like how genuine their interaction felt! It was quite a touching part, though maybe introduced too soon? You could have hinted at it and gone into detail later, just to catch the reader's attention. I'm not sure if it needed to be so soon, but moving on.
Also, said and asked are too bland. Express how their saying it.
Begged, pleaded, cried, inquired. Stated, declared, sorrowfully answered.
[b]Will and Audrey had decided that on Friday night, they would go out to an Italian restaurant to have lunch. Whaaa? Am I missing something ore reading something wrong and just being stupid or do most people have lunch at night?
But, I like the details you put in, and the flow is rather steady these next few paragraphs!
Will turned a corner, Audrey following him, and stopped in front of the restaurant. He looked again at the Google Maps app he had opened, double checking if this really was the place they were going to have lunch.
Maybe don't put in specific names, if this ever gets truly published. You may get sued for violation of copyright etc. Use some of your creative juice you smartie and make up a name.
EXAMPLE:
cuz I'm bored
Ya Lost
MapGPS[s] So creative!
etc. Maybe just put in an Easter egg. Also, i it's something they've been to before, why do they even need a GPS?
Will took a step back, terrified. If you have to say he's scared, you're notdoing it right.
He took a step back, gasping in surprise.
Will jumped in shock, his face paling.
He gulped in horror and used his wife as a human shield..
It's probably what I'd doWill yelped in a fearful surprise as a shiver ran up his spine.
OVERALL:
I loved the ending! The story itself is awesome and I wanna read more! I loved it. Well, I'm done trying to be helpful and trying too hard to be funny. Hope I could help!
Jade
Thanks so much for the review! It was definitely helpful, heh.
Hey there!
I just went through your first chapter and I loved it. I really like how you were describing the features of Audrey and Will. The fact that they are broke but still they are trying to make the best out of it is so satisfying. Very nice introduction to the basic background of the main characters (Audrey is my fav so far :p).
The next part where they visited the Italian restaurant was even more interesting. The way you described the place and the manager. Your ending is really so exciting. It will definitely make the reader to move on to next chapters to know more.
I read the other reviews below and noticed you have modified this chapter.Well I think it is really great. I will definitely read more of your chapters.
Thanks for the review! Do you want me to tag you next time? Or wait till you're done with the current chapters?
Yes I will be looking forward to know about the updates of the new ones. But definitely first I will go through all the chapters already published.
Actually I am going through some rough phase with my family and so I am not getting much time to focus on any work. But for sure I will try to catch up with all the chapters.
Take your time with the chapters! Don't worry about it, you can take care of your phase, and then get to them or whenever things calm down. I hope things settle down. <3
Hey there!
My original plan was to review all of the chapters you have up of this, but I'm starting to realize that it'll be easy for me to review the latest and keep up with them as you post. So, instead, I'll be leaving comments to let you know what I think - they just won't be formal reviews.
I love Will and Audrey already. <3 They're super cute together, and Will's "meh" definitely made me want to laugh! I'm also really intrigued by Italian Heaven. My first thought with a name like Akolxohez was that their waiter was some kind of god, but I'm starting to suspect they might be dealing with a vampire instead.
I can't wait to see what happens next!
I'm so glad you're reading this!! =D
Hey there! I thought I'd come back and review these previous chapters as I enjoyed 4 and 5 so much!
This is a really great opening, as we're introduced to the characters straight away and already get a feeling as to what kind of person Will is. I think maybe starting with "It was a Thursday evening, and Will...." Would just make it a little more concise.
I think this should all be one paragraph.
This is just too cute
AHH not a cliff hanger! Now I'm definitely going to have to read all the rest...
So you've set up Will and Audrey's relationship really well. They are just too adorable for me to cope! I like the dialogue, as it gets both of their personalities across too.
Keep writing!
Thanks so much for the review! =D
Hi Lib! (Instinct!) Hedwiggle!
I'm so excited you've decided to hit the supernatural-fantasy genre. It's exciting! So far, I think your chapter is set up excellently. We have Will and Audrey who are in a tight situation - a bit of conflict already - in a completely normal world. They head out and... meet some crazy demon or vampire or creature. I like how it's cut off - adds the suspense for the reader.
One thing I found bothering me a tad bit was the description and dialogue - some of it felt a bit forced. It's something I often see in first chapters because people are trying to feed some information to the readers. I'll show an example:
While I like that we learn Will has green eyes, it doesn't feel like a natural description here. Audrey tosling his red hair felt much more natural, however this just feels a little forced.
Another example:
Again, I love how we're getting info that he was getting interviewed at a publishing company (omg, my dream... also, so sad that it didn't seem to go well
I think this was a pretty strong first story. So far, I'm getting some sarcastic-character vibes from Will (loooove) and some strong artsy vibes from Audrey (heck yeah!!! Artists in writing are my favorite!). I definitely wonder how their dynamic will shift over the book and how each character will grow/change. I'm so excited to be reading more from you!!:D
Peace,
~EternalRain
Ay, one of my favorite reviewers!
The description thing - now that you've pointed it out, I guess I know what you mean. I'll work on that. Also, quick question: how was the pacing?
Thanks for the review btw! =)
I totally do the description thing too, just thought I%u2019d point it out!:)
Pacing - I thought it was totally fine! Nothing felt especially fast/slow to me. The first scene was slow, but it felt perfectly right because it fit the setting-up-the-story-and-characters thing and also fit the kind of low, sad vibe. I thought the pacing of the second scene was great!
Okie, thanks!!
Hi Hedwiggle!
I think it's a very good first chapter. The reader understands the chemistry between Will and Audrey and the reveal at the end keeps the reader hooked. Jumping onto the specifics—
Audrey's description is easy to visualize. But I think it's a little misplaced and interrupts the flow. When I read that Audrey greeted Will without looking up, my brain asked why and instinctively visualized Audrey sitting on the sofa looking at some magazines or knitting something or just having her head because she's upset — a superposition of images. I don't think it's a biggie, I just think the explanation came a tiny little bit late. I could suggest adding the description before revealing how she greeted him, maybe even in the same sentence.
It's a pacing issue. I think the space between the two dialogues is missing some description, it just feels like we cut past something important right to Audrey's remark. Last time we saw Audrey, before Will went to cook, she was painting. That's also probably why Will calls out to her after coming in with the food. Adding Audrey reaction to being called, or coming over to the floor, something like that would better connect the parts.
I understand the mood being hopeless since they are basically broke. Yet they seemed to be having quite a bit of fun. So it was a little hard to believe that the mood in the house would be depressing.
In terms of plot or character development, I have no problems. It's only the first chapter. Will and Audrey's interactions are already fun — the way they exchanged looks at the sight of the sleeping cashier was totally believable. I'm really curious about what happens next.
And that's the review for this chapter. Hope it helps!
Excelsior!
~MAS
Thanks for the review! I agree with the pacing - I fly by most parts. But hopefully the next chapter knows what pacing means. xD Thanks again!
Anytime!
Hello!
I'll do my best to review this, sorry that a lot of these are just little things.
Is the term given and interview or done an interview?
Generally try not to use the word "and" twice in one sentence. I would suggest trying something like,
"Sighing, he turned a corner and unlocked the tiny house. His wife - Audrey - greeted him from the tiny living room without looking up.
I really like Audrey, and your descriptions of her, especially in the fourth paragraph. I generally don't write or read supernatural either, but I like this story and the cliffhanger at the end is great! I hope this review was somewhat helpful and not too harsh!
-Gnomish
Thanks for the review!
Thanks for the review!
Your welcome!
EverLight here with a review! My critique is not meant to hurt you, offend you, or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned-you may feel offended anyway
First Reaction
Omg that wretched cliffhanger!! What happens next?????!! Why the heck does a cashier have fangs and bloodshot eyes? How'd he get that way? Lord, that, undoubtedly, was the most shocking part of the story. (cough)Obviously(cough)
Nitpicks & Grammar
I'lll skip over this ❤️
Style & Flow
Character Develoupment
Ah man, I love Audrey, and this scene was just perfect-
I could really see her smirk there, and I love the fact that she's like ''Do you want dinner? Okay. Then cook it for me.'' XXXDDD. Anyway, it's clear that Audrey is the better developed of the two characters. After all, she already has a quirk, a talent that sets her apart from Will (she can paint), plus, (though this might be just me) she has more personality. Will, on the other hand, seems like an ''average'' person, (Chuckling at his wife's antics, wanting food, and being exhausted about work are normal things) and you left me asking these two questions-What is special about Will? How exactly is he different from Audrey? That's definitely something you need to work on characterwise.
As for Audrey, continue developing her the way you have
please, but consider what else she does for the family besides paint or cook, and give her more aspects besides a sassy attitude.Pacing & Plot
Your pacing was too fast, and you switched from one scene to the next quickly, which was a bit much for me because I wanted to know your characters (maybe get their back story) before I divulged into the action.
Plotwise, you did okay, (and I'm curious to see how Audrey's painting ability plays out and rather or not it's key to the plot), but that last paragraph seemed clichéd-I can think of several novels that introduce the ''monster'' in the same manner.
Dialogue
Just a quick question-how old are your characters? They seem like their 16, maybe 18 years old, but you state that their married, and work. I ask that because your dialogue seemed more fitting for teenagers then grown adults. Take this bit here for example-
I feel like adults would have more of a serious, in depth discuession, and they certainly wouldn't be so quick to say ''It's fine''
____________________________
Overall
This wasn't bad for your first time writing supernaturally 😉
As always, I encourage you to keep on writing,
and tag me when you get the next chapter outI hope this helped,
The one and lone Ever
Thanks for the review, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I'll work on pacing and more background stuff but the background info is coming in the later chapters. And he cliche part at the end? I actually couldn't think of anything else.
Thanks again!
Thanks for the review, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I'll work on pacing and more background stuff but the background info is coming in the later chapters. And he cliche part at the end? I actually couldn't think of anything else.
Thanks again!
Well a cliff hanger is a cliff hanger
I'm glad you found my review helpful!