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12+ Violence


by Library_Nerd5777, none


8 long legs and the six dead man's eyes

From the cold, menacing darkness from which you now derive

From the webs, you weave and bites you leave sore,

The pressure underneath you now endure

The squishing pain and markings above

Leave pain and suffering, the human form of love

The devices and objects to that leave you knocking on Death's front door

Will leave you weak and helpless but wait, there's more

From the last breathe you breathe

And the last of your sight

You can find a way out

Before the eternal night 

You stand up once more, ready to fight

With all the determination in your body, you take your last flight

Your fangs so sharp and piercing triangular teeth

Biting down so hard they go underneath

The savoury sensation of many droplets of blood

That flow in your mouth, in which it now floods

The taste is eccentric, and you go back for more

Your victim is helpless, lying paralyzed on the floor

Its body numb and soon turning an eerie grey

The feeling of salvation as you watch the body fall to lay

On cold hardwood ground, you plant your feet upon 

The taste of the red, you soon grow fond 

You return to your lair of cold and carelessness

Crawling back lively, not but 1 left lifeless.


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317 Reviews

Points: 655
Reviews: 317

Thu Sep 03, 2020 4:41 pm
Horisun wrote a review...

Hello there, and happy Review Month!
I will totally send this poem to my greatest enemy, to both creep them out, and amaze them with this awesome poem!
The lyrics give me some serious chills. And the the rhyming worked really well with this piece!
I also noticed that you used numbers rather than spelling out things like one. This is fine, as this is a poem, normal grammar rules don't always apply, as long as you're consistent.
However, I noticed that in the very first line, you say "8 long legs and the six dead man's eyes" You use the number eight, but the word six. You'll have to pick one or the other here.
Anyway, that's just a small nitpick. I really enjoyed this piece overall! It was creepy, yet fun, because the of the rhyming.
I hope to see more writing from you in the future! Have a great day! :D

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121 Reviews

Points: 10015
Reviews: 121

Sun Aug 23, 2020 1:54 am
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Liminality wrote a review...

This poem to me seems to be about animal life, or the struggles and triumphs of survival from a non-human perspective. Just like the taste of the blood, it is delightfully eccentric in tone and voice, conveying both the scary and the beautiful of the spider's existence in an immersive way.

1. The use of numbers instead of words like "8" and "1" give the speaker's voice an alien, maybe even inhuman quality to it, which helps create that outsider's perspective. Somehow, I also kind of like that this use isn't entirely consistent, because it's whole purpose seems to be to throw the reader off and make us look more closely.

2. The comparisons of the spider to a dead "man", such as in "six dead man's eyes" and "menacing darkness" really establish the sense of difference between the spider and the person who tries to kill it in the beginning. The image of "piercing triangular teeth" is also really unusual, picking out details about a spider that a person, being so large, wouldn't likely notice, thus conveying that fascinating animal life that slips by unregarded.

3. I love the use of irony in this poem, as it helps to suggest the paradox of a spider's life being both terrifying and beautiful/interesting. For instance in "Leave pain and suffering . . .human form of love", the comparison between our love and pain is unexpected and gives a new perspective, emphasising the point that there is more to life than our perspective as people. Moreover, the contrasts between "salvation" and "fond" which are emotionally charged words with "cold and carelessness" is also ironic, and this helps to argue against the almost prejudiced way humans interpret animals such as spiders.

4. The consistent rhyming couplets throughout most of the poem help to make it flow and bind everything together. It also helps the line "You can find a way out" stand out, because it's the only place where this rhyme scheme is broken, making for a really dramatic and somewhat inspiring effect when the spider survives being squished. The consistency of the rhyme scheme also contrasts quite sharply with how the line lengths are less even and more like a stream-of-consciousness.

As a side note, I also enjoy how you've formatted the poem. Making everything bolded somehow reminds me of spiders with thick legs, and I also kind of like having the title appear twice. Kind of psyched me up to read it, actually.

Overall, this poem accomplishes that crucial thing for nature poems, and that is it makes you see animals more closely, from a different light. You've made the spider sympathetic to me, even though I'm usually scared of spiders, and all without making the spider anything other than a spider. Well done :D

Liminality <3

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86 Reviews

Points: 2759
Reviews: 86

Thu Aug 20, 2020 6:46 pm
MoonIris wrote a review...

Hi, Library_Nerd5777,
I'm here with a review. I thought your poem had an interesting subject as I am an insect lover. The only one that I don't like is...spiders. The irony of life...
I agree with alessiodream, the poem itself wasn't scary but I believe you showed fear threw it. I don't know if this was your intention but good job! :)
I only found one grammar mistake:
"The savoury sensation of many droplets of blood"
It should be savory without "u".
To continue I do not know if you tried to add rhymes or not but they are a little...strange.
"8 long legs and the six dead man's eyes

From the cold, menacing darkness from which you now derive

From the webs, you weave and bites you leave sore,"
Here you do not have rhymes but in the next one...
"The squishing pain and markings above

Leave pain and suffering, the human form of love"
You do. Maybe in your future poems, you should try and keep the rhymes threw out all the poem or at least the stanza. If you have trouble with rhymes you could use an internet website where they will help you find rhymes. Alessiodream also told you about the unnecessary use of words. I agree with him but I won't tell you more about that.

My favorite line from this poem is "Leave pain and suffering, the human form of love".

Overall this poem is lovely and has great potential. I hope my review helped you and didn't offend you in any way. I can't wait to read another one of your poems,
MoonIris :)

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Yeah, I write in British English, meaning some of the words I write are different in British writing that normal American writing

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Points: 162
Reviews: 4

Mon Aug 17, 2020 7:16 pm
AlessiosDream wrote a review...

Hello. I'm Alessio. I read your poem and although I didn't find it scary, I do think that your poem has potential to become an experimental piece, perhaps exploring our own fears through the perspective of a spider's life cycle. The first stanza is a little weird in that the imagery clashes because of word choice. I would like to see it improved in the following way. As I read through, some of the ideas seem disjointed or unnecessary.

In terms of imagery, I think that it's redundant to use words like 'numb' and 'paralyzed' in the same area because they're essentially synonymous. Imagine reading, 'the wet moisture and dew on the window'. If I've made some sense, hopefully you can see the redundancy here. Other than that, I think that if you put a little more thought into word choice, I think it will be a more pleasant read. This is my first review, my English is not the best. I hope that I could help you.

chao :)

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Thank you, I did get very stunned and get writer's block on how to rhyme with words. Thanks for the review!

The bigger the issue, the smaller you write. Remember that. You don’t write about the horrors of war. No. You write about a kid’s burnt socks lying on the road. You pick the smallest manageable part of the big thing, and you work off the resonance.
— Richard Price