Bonjour!
"Bonjour" is getting a bit old.
Are you actually serious?! I've only used it for, like, a DAY!
You are so sensitive.
I am not.
And anyways it's midnight, go to sleep. You have school tomorrow! Close me now, please and thank you very much.
~ ~ ~
I. Just. Came. Back. From. School.
What should I do?
You should start screaming like a crazy fairy, I mean, er, diary.
You do realize I can't do that, right?
Yeah.
Then why'd you say it?
I don't know.
Your weird.
I know.
Cool. Bye, close me now. I want to sleep. Louis kept on whining because he got 95% in his Fairy Medicine subject!
No no no no no no. I really badly want to tell you something. Hey! Stop forcing yourself to close! Stop! Stop it!
Fine *pant* what do you want? *pant*
Today, I saw Andrealama, and she asked me if I wanted to go biking with her!
I'm not stopping you.
I know! But can you at least help me take out a nice outfit that is fashionable and bikingable?
Bikingable is not a word. And, when in the world did you start caring about fashion?
Since I became friends with Andrealama. Omg, Diary are you heating up? Omg! What is going on?!
Do. Not. Drop. Me. I am very mad at you! You're all: Andrealama, fashion and... Wait? Biking? Seriously? You don't even know how to ride a bike!
There is magic for a reason. And so what if I like Andrealama? She could support me with taking over the kingdom!
Oh no, you're still obsessing over that stupid topic?
It's not stupid! I want to sit on that golden throne! I want to have a castle!
You can't get anything you want all the time, you have to struggle to get what you want.
What-ever! I'll choose my own fashionable outfit! BYE!
Good-bye, have fun.
~ ~ ~
Hey, Diary!
Hi. What's up? Are you here to hear more of my fairy life stories?
No, actually, yes. Can you also tell me how I can turn you back into a fairy?
Um, why?
Cause I want to save you. Rescue you, remember? You asked me to!
The last time I said that you saved me, you got grossed out.
Well, I'm sorry. Can you just please tell me now?
Ok, basically, you have to go to the wishing well and wish me back into a fairy.
It's that simple?
Yes.
Then why didn't you tell Lily to do it?
Because she's been acting so... annoyingly... MEAN!
Well, maybe you have to stop being so sensitive and actually try asking her? I can't just let you talk trash about my sister! You know what? I'll leave now, I'm gonna go and change you back into a fairy. You're coming with me.
No! I can't! The guards will recognize me!
I don't care! Your'e coming!
NO!
Why the heck are you heating up?!
'Cause I'm mad! Leave me alone! You can tell me what happens later! I'll start firing ink at you if you don't stop!
Fine. I'm going now.
~ ~ ~
Well that was awfully fast! Did you have fun, dear?
Don't call me dear! I'm not your friend anymore! I read the entire conversation you and Luke had! You know what?! Luke can be your new friend! Or, I'll do an even better thing! I'll drop you off in Luke's room, and you can stay there! If he's turning you back into a fairy, then you can be his friend! I'm never talking to you again!
I-I-I'm sorry, You'd always just start blabbing about Andrealama, that I never had time to talk to you about my problem. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
Never!
~ ~ ~
It's all my fault, isn't it? I'm the one to blame, right?
I-
Don't try to make me feel better. I was the one who stole you in the first place. I'm really sorry that Lily got mad at you. Really, I mean it.
Oh, just forget it. She's gone now. Tell me what happened to the well. Did you do it? Actually you didn't because I'm still a diary.
Yeah, I didn't really do it, 'cause the well is-
What happened to the well?
It kinda broke.
What?!
There was a person right in front of me who was making his wish, and I guess the well got mad and exploded.
It exploded?!
Yeah...
What are we gonna do NOW?!
I don't know.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
I guess the well couldn’t take anymore wishes. Wait..what if the well isn’t a well? What if it was cursed just like the diary? Is everything in this world cursed to be something? Or just the diary? Luke seems more calm and collected than Lily, so I get why the diary only told him. Is he the older brother or the younger brother? I forgot. I know she has two older sisters and two brothers. I hope that you have a cool day/night.
Hey lozah, Hannah here to nitpick the series you wrote at 11 years old. I have a lot to do, but you know I made time to read my favorite book on Earth. Let's begin!
over your own story.
To just start at the beginning, why is bonjour such a big thing with this book, and what does the diary have against it? Okay, I guess? The second is "a crazy fairy," nobody says a crazy human, maybe person, but that would seem weird. Maybe find other ways to implement the fairy aspect of the story without being so on the nose? I've given you some examples in the past, and you should also have some creative liberty...
Another thing is bikingable. What is this story's fixation on weird words. You could use this quirk as a plot point, she loves to write, does more with it than talking to a haunted book. Maybe she writes a novel and the diary gets jealous because she's giving them less attention. It would make sense to include this to her character and deepen the world-building.
Lastly, I like the development of plot in this chapter! It feels natural, rather anti-climatic, but fun and lighthearted! I look forward to seeing more from you very soon!
HAJ
hana ana jana
Hello my good friend! Guess who is here with another review for you? FlamingPhoenix is that who!XD Okay I'm going to stop joking around and start writing this review.
Let's start shall we.
Okay so you know how much I LOVE reading your story so I'm just going to jump right into the review and I'll get right back to all the other stuff.
Mistakes
So I only really saw one thing that was really a mistake, but is was just a simple mistake and can be easily fixed.
Now the back that is in bold here doesn't need to be there. When I read this sentence it didn't really make any sens, but when I took out the double back it make a lot more sens. So that's all you really need to do.
And don't feel bad this happens to me all the time. It's just a silly mistake that can happen to everyone.
Suggestions
Okay moving on.
I do have to say I love the new way your writing your story with all the lines when someone is talking is under one another. It made it a lot easier to read. But I did have a little trouble knowing who is talking, so may be every one and again you should do this after some one has talked.
See if you do that it tells me who is talking so I don't get it mixed up, and I don't need to worry about is all the time, and the pit about Luke throwing his hands in the air is a part I added to sow you how you could add some description in the story. By doing that it would allow us the reader to enter your world a lot better.
Over all comments
Well other then those few things I had a really good time reading your story, i think you have done a really good job with bringing out the diary's and Luke's personality's. I got to know a little more bout Luke today, so that was fun.
It was also nice to hear a little about Louis, so I would like a little more of that in the up coming chapters if you don't mind.
And now the story is really moving, your plot is finally coming into play. It's nice to now that not everything is going to plan with Luke and Diary. Now we find out the well is broken, this is going to be a very interesting story.
And you know what really annoys me? You left the chapter on cliffhanger, how could you do this to me? And the chapter was just getting good! I guess that means I will be moving on the the next chapter sooner then I thought.
Well that's it from me for now. I look for word to reading and reviewing your next chapter, and I loved reading and reviewing this one for you. Never stop writing and I hope to see another chapter out soon. Have a great day/night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Thanks for the review! I know what you mean by not knowing about who is talking. I would have done that, but I want it to have the feel of a diary, ya know what I mean?
Yeah I understand. I guess it's another way of writing. You carry on the way your were.
Glad you understood
Hey there Liberty500.
I haven't had a chance to read any of the other chapters/parts to this story but I think I'm getting the gist of this conversation. It seems that you have an almost Tom Riddle diary situation going on, as we often come across when the diary is possessed with some form of a soul. And in this case that your character is experiencing, they're communicating with a fairy that was trapped into this form some how.
One thing that I didn't even notice until I got to the third segment of this part was how you have at least two separate conversations going on. I see that you were trying to separate out the segments and signaling with bold versus plain text, but that doesn't work enough as a transition. It's not that hard to pick it up and declare what perspective it's from and give some sort of further reference to the other conversation.
There's actually a lot of things that I would recommend changing about your formatting, mainly about how it is purely dialogue. I'm stepping into this scene and I just have so many questions that aren't addressed anywhere. The character in bold is totally consumed by rescuing the fairy from their bounds in this book while the character in plain text is still asking for relationship advice. I understand the need to have that drama going on but the purely dialogue base needs some work.
I personally think it would be helpful to have actual scene descriptions and even then you can still use alternating first person. It would just be a very different experience if the readers are given some description outside of what happens in the conversations. It wasn't hard to catch onto the mild plot that you're trying to form but that doesn't mean the reader won't want more.
The only line that really bothers me is this one:
It's speaking to the specific magic issues of the world and I'm hoping that you've spent some time developing your own bit of lore. That's one of the most important things to deal with in a fantasy based story, something that is so often overlooked. If you need any help with the specific details of that, I can look through your other chapters and send you some guides.
Overall, this seems like an interesting concept that could go places but it's also very lacking in important aspects. I can tell that we have two different plots going on with two very different characters engaging in the conversation with the fairy. And there's a lot of places you can go from here depending on what you want to do with that fairy.
Again I haven't read any of the other parts but I can spot major plot issues. As far as I can see within this chapter, one plot got a lot accomplished in finding another problem. And then the other plot was just focusing on some real world dramatic issues that I have no context for. Evidently the fairy is not satisfied by them either.
It's a good idea.
But it needs a lot of work.
I hope to see your project go somewhere.
If you have any questions about this review or anything else, feel free to drop me a line.
- Lizz <3
Thanks for the review! I'd like to have some guides!
Yay! Next entry! Woohoo! This was a really good chapter, I didn't see too much that could be improved. There was one line that kind of bugged me, and that was, "You should start screaming like a crazy fairy, I mean, Diary." There isn't that much wrong with it, I just happen to have the opinion that it might sound a bit better if I mean was after diary, and an Er before. I just think it sounds more natural, if you disagree, that's fine.
That's it! Happy writing, and I can't wait for the next chapter!
Thanks, Horisun! <3