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Hide & Seek (part 1)

by Liberty


A/N: Here's some information on the cast if you're interested but I'm actually keeping it here for future reference. 

Florence: Nickname, Flower. Age, 54. Appearance, short, plump, brown hair with streaks of white, glasses (with really high prescription). Who she is: Joshua’s mother, Belle’s mother-in-law, William’s wife. (Also, good ol’ Will is her second husband. Her first husband is dead.)

William: Nickname, Will. Age, 57. Appearance: tall, chubby, black hair, balding from the top, round glasses, similar to Harry Potter’s. Who he is: Florence’s second husband, Joshua’s step-father, Belle’s father-in-law.

Joshua: Nickname, Josh. Age, 24. Appearance, average height and weight, wispy black hair, brown eyes, always in a tee and jeans. Who he is: Florence’s son, William’s step-son, Belle’s husband. (Also, he plays video games a lot.)

Belle: Nickname, Beautiful (but only Josh calls her that). Age, 22. Appearance, average height, as skinny as a model, brown bangs hang over her brown eyes. (And she’s got a rich father who pays the rent of the house that these four live in.)

Anyways, I hope you enjoy this!

Ten o’clock in the morning. FLORENCE and WILLIAM in the living room.

FLORENCE: I’ve become it.

WILLIAM: What?

FLORENCE: You know when you sit for long, you become it.

WILLIAM: Fat?

FLORENCE: No, no, when you sit for long and you have nothing to do.

WILLIAM: What?

FLORENCE: You’re so dumb.

WILLIAM: Hey! I’m your husband, gimme some respect.

FLORENCE: Oh! Yes! Bored! You’re boring.

WILLIAM: What?

FLORENCE: You’re boring, and I’m also boring - no, bored. I’m bored. I’ve become bored.

WILLIAM: What should I do?

FLORENCE: We should do what little kids do.

WILLIAM: Cry?

FLORENCE: No, what little kids do when they play.

WILLIAM: Steal?

FLORENCE: Tsk, no. When one kid hides and the other seeks. Hide and seek. Yes, we should do hide and seek.

WILLIAM: Play hide and seek, Flower.

FLORENCE: You can play hide and seek? I thought you do hide and seek.

WILLIAM facepalms. FLORENCE makes a face at him.

FLORENCE: Okay, you count, I'll hide.

WILLIAM: Okay.

WILLIAM puts his hands over his glasses. FLORENCE waddles behind the couch, then she goes out the front door, then she goes across the street and into the park where she hides behind a bush. TONY (20) and JIMMY (23) are behind it as well.

FLORENCE: Are you two hiding from him as well?

TONY: Who?

FLORENCE: My him.

TONY: Your who?

FLORENCE: The one I'm married to.

JIMMY: We don't know who you're married to. Leave us alone, old hag.

FLORENCE takes off her heels and smacks both men with it.

TONY: What was that for?

FLORENCE: You called me old hag.

JIMMY: Forgive us, lady, get lost.

FLORENCE: I can't! I'm hiding from him!

JIMMY: Who are you hiding from?

FLORENCE: Earl.

TONY: Who's Earl?

FLORENCE: My husband, idiot. I'm hiding from him. We're playing hide and seek and he'll give me loooots of money when he finds me.

TONY and JIMMY look at each other mischievously.

JIMMY: He has a lot of money?

FLORENCE: Yes, he has a lot of money.

TONY: If we kidnapped you, would he give us money?

FLORENCE: Huh?

JIMMY: He means nothing, he's just sick in the head.

FLORENCE: Oh, okay.

JIMMY: We have a very good place to hide you...

FLORENCE: Okay, let's go then!

TONY, whispering to JIMMY: She's the one sick in the head, man, what the hell are you talking about?

FLORENCE: Put my shoes back on.

TONY: Okay, let's go now. The motorbike is over there.

JIMMY: How are all of us going to fit on that?

TONY: You come running. You have a lotta fat anyway.

TONY vrooms away on the motorbike.

Back in the house.

WILLIAM: A thousand forty nine... a thousand fifty... a thousand fifty-one...

JOSHUA enters the living room.

JOSHUA: Whatcha doin'?

WILLIAM: Be quiet, I'm counting.

JOSHUA: Are you giving your grade one teacher your exam?

WILLIAM: No, your mom and I are playing hide and seek.

JOSHUA: Have you guys lost your memory or something? You're both in your fifties.

WILLIAM: Be quiet, I'm trying to count! A thousand fifty-five...

JOSHUA: Lalalalalalalalalaaaaa.

WILLIAM: Are you trying to take my hearing away?

JOSHUA: No, I'm trying to make you lose your number.

WILLIAM: Shut up!

JOSHUA: Where's my mother? I looked for her all over the house earlier, and I can't find her. Also, Belle is gone to the marketplace. Three hours ago, she said she's come in an hour. It's been three hours, Will! Three hours! My wife is lost!!

WILLIAM: She's probably kidnapped.

JOSHUA: WHAT?

WILLIAM: And now I lost my count! Flower, I'm coming!

WILLIAM walks out of the living room.

JOSHUA: William!

FLORENCE, JIMMY, and TONY are in an abandoned building. FLORENCE is sipping on juice.

TONY: What's your husband's phone number?

FLORENCE: I dunno.

JIMMY: Seriously?

FLORENCE: Mhm.

TONY: Do you know your house address?

FLORENCE: I live in Antartica. Right in the middle.

JIMMY: What the hell?

FLORENCE: No, I don't live in hell, I live in Antartica.

TONY: Ugh.

FLORENCE, singing: 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 0

JIMMY: You think she might be saying someone's number?

TONY: Maybe, let me dial it. (pause) It's ringing. (pause) Hello, we have your wife.

PERSON 1: Shut up, idiot, I am with her.

JIMMY: What did he say?

TONY: Nothing. Lady, what's your name?

FLORENCE: Angelina Jolie.

TONY: Tsk, what's your real name.

FLORENCE: Scarlett Johansson.

JIMMY: Uff.

Back in the house, outside the kitchen. Bell rings.

JOSHUA: Who could that be?

WILLIAM: Go check.

JOSHUA: I was going to.

JOSHUA goes to open the front door.

JOSHUA: Belle! You're okay!

BELLE: Hm? Of course I am.

BELLE and JOSHUA both walk into the kitchen, with WILLIAM on their heels.

BELLE: Why are you following me?

WILLIAM: Where are the kidnappers?

BELLE: What?

JOSHUA: Love, don't you know what kidnappers are?

BELLE: I do.

JOSHUA: Where are they?

BELLE: Where are who?

WILLIAM: The kidnappers!

BELLE: I don't have kidnappers!

JOSHUA: Then why did you take so long?

BELLE: Because the check out line was so long. And these three dresses carried me away.

WILLIAM: Then where's Flower?

JOSHUA: She might be here somewhere. Let's go look outside.

A few minutes later, JOSHUA and WILLIAM return, looking sad.

BELLE: Did you find her?

JOSHUA: No...

WILLIAM: We looked everywhere.

BELLE: Then she's kidnapped.

WILLIAM: What?

BELLE: Less mouths to feed. And anyways, both of you know you can't stand it when she keeps on forgetting things.

JOSHUA: Belle!

BELLE: JOSH!

BELLE storms into her room. JOSHUA is quietly sobbing. WILLIAM is staring at the front door expectantly.

WILLIAM: We need to do something.

JOSHUA: I know!


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Mon May 18, 2020 8:43 pm
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whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hello Liberty! I'm here for the requested review!

First of all, I just need to say that this is hilarious and very well written. It was very easy and fun to read, and right off the bat we get a feel for Florence's wonderful character.

There are no spelling mistakes that I can see, and I just have a few small grammar suggestions - though, since this a script and these are supposed to be people talking, grammar doesn't need to be perfect.

FLORENCE: You know when you sit for long, you become it.

This sentence seems like it's missing something, and I would personally recommend adding to it, like so:
FLORENCE: You know when you sit for a long time, you become it.

But if that isn't the style of talking that Florence has, feel free to leave it as is.

FLORENCE: My husband, idiot. I'm hiding from him. We're playing hide and seek and he'll give me loooots of money when he finds me.

It comes across as a bit informal when you alter the spelling of a word to give emphasis, and I personally would suggest italicizing "lots" instead of changing its spelling. However, that's a style and preference thing, and really not a huge deal.

TONY: You come running. You have a lotta fat anyway.

"You come running" sounds a bit strange, though maybe that's just how Tony talks. However, I think it might make more sense if he says "You can run" or something along the lines of that.

I just have one more minor critique, which is about names. Since there are only 4 characters, it's not a huge deal, but "Jimmy" and "Joshua" both start with J, and if you really want to make things easy to read, it might help if you changed one of their names so that they don't start with the same letter. This definitely doesn't matter that much, and it's really just a small thing, but it could be possible for the reader to mix them up.

I really only have one general suggestion, which is to vary line length a little bit more. A lot of the lines are fairly short, and creating some longer ones could make a nice change in pace. As it is, some of the conversations feel a bit too back and forth. It's not necessarily a bad thing, if you want the conversations to feel silly and light and easy to read, but it's just something to keep in mind.

I'm really impressed with how well you've developed the characters, in such a short time, just through dialogue and nothing else. Already the reader has a clear idea of what Florence, Belle, and William are like. And I gotta say, Florence is an amazing character!

FLORENCE: I live in Antartica. Right in the middle.

JIMMY: What the hell?

FLORENCE: No, I don't live in hell, I live in Antartica.

The script is full of hilarious exchanges, including the one above. This is listed under humour, and it's definitely humorous! It's hard to make dialogue sound funny without it feeling forced, but the jokes in the script feel entirely natural, so well done!
One small thing about the above quote - "Antartica" is actually spelled "Antarctica". It could be you're trying to convey how she pronounces the word, but if not, I just thought I'd point it out.

Overall, this is really, really well written. It's got humour, drama, likeable characters, and ends on a cliffhanger. I would love to read Part 2!

I hope this review was helpful, and if you have any questions feel free to ask. Thank you for requesting this on my review thread!

Keep writing!

Whatcha




Liberty says...


Thanks so much for the review! It was very helpful!



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Sun May 17, 2020 1:21 am
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silverquill12 wrote a review...



Wow! I thought that the script format did a lot for this piece. I liked how you put the character descriptions at the beginning. Oftentimes with scripts, it's hard to convey character appearances, but I think you did a good job with that.

It looked all fine, grammar-wise. I noticed that someone in an earlier review said to replace who with you, but I don't think that's necessary. It hinders the meaning of the question in context, so leave it as it is.

I wondered if you meant this script to be a satire. It certainly read that way; the characters were very much caricatures of themselves and a lot of the dialogue wasn't realistic. This isn't a bad thing, but if you had wanted it to be a more naturalistic script, I'd suggest revising it.

Overall, I think you did a very good job combining both the dramatic elements with the humor of the situation. It's completely outlandish and altogether entertaining. I can't wait to read more!




Liberty says...


Ah, thanks for the review! Glad you enjoyed it~ :)



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Fri May 08, 2020 5:46 pm
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JesseWrites wrote a review...



Hey Lib. It's Jesse here to review.

GENERAL OPINION-

I enjoy the fact that this is written in a play. I never thought it would work out, but it did. I have prejudice against character profiles in the beginning. It is almost like it dumps info onto a work, so It looks a little sloppy. I do find your way quite neat.

GRAMMAR AND SPELLING-

" Where are who?"
Who should be replaced with you. Easy fix and very simple. It happens to the best of us, so don't be angry.

Nothing else from scanning.

CAPITALIZATION-

I see no errors. Good on that, Lib.

CHARACTERS-

You gave a good idea of looks, personality, and relevance. I would have liked to imagine a bit more, but not my story.

OTHER-

I did enjoy this, but it was short. I hope you continue on as I find this riveting and new. A fresh start for a experienced writer.

SUGGESTIONS-

Practice as it never fails me, so it won't for you. We all need a push.

Farewell for now,
Jesse.




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review! It was very helpful. :) There's going to be a part 2.




You can't fool me! I listen to public radio!
— Squidward Tentacles