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A Painter & Writer's Magic [Chapter 7]

by Liberty


Last Line(s): “But you still murdered her!” Audrey exclaimed, horrified.

“Not exactly. And even if I did, Herschel would send another one of his slaves to kill you two. I was protecting you, so shut up and follow me. I’ll explain.” Akol said.

Audrey tried to retort but when she tried to open her mouth, it wouldn’t budge. Neither did Will’s. So they held each other’s hand, and followed Akol out of the dark forest.

Chapter 7

Hours passed - it was almost mid-afternoon and they still hadn’t reached wherever they were going. Audrey was now on Will’s back, half-asleep, and Will had unbuttoned the first two buttons on his black shirt. It had gotten warm, especially with the heat radiating off Audrey’s body. Akol still looked as handsome as ever. Not a single scratch. Audrey and Will still couldn’t talk, and Akol still didn’t let them do so.

“We’re almost there.” Akol said again.

Will wanted to point out that he had said that many times before and they still weren’t there. Wherever the hell ‘there’ was. He couldn't though. Akol had taken their voice away. He started feeling weak. When he spotted a long, smooth, stone slab a few feet away from him, he walked towards it and set Audrey down on it. She shifted uncomfortable on the slab, and finally, after some more shifting, settled onto her side. Will plopped down beside her. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and his head drooped. He fainted. They had been walking too long and without food or water.

Akol couldn’t hear his footsteps anymore. He stopped and turned around. Panic struck him. “Where did you two go?” He caught sight of the couple on the slab and ran towards them. “What… Oh. Oh no. Frick.” he muttered. Akol raised his hands again, letting their vocal cords grow back without pain. Afterwards, he held out his hands towards both of them, purple mist dancing out of his palms, surrounding the couple. Soon enough, they were floating above ground. And both of them were still passed out.

***

There was a large, stoney palace on the horizon. Akol sighed. “Finally.” This job would have been so much easier if he could snap his fingers to get to places. But the snapping-fingers-trick only worked if one wanted to get to a different planet.

Akol heard a murmur from above him. He looked up. Audrey was waking up. He whistled loudly and stallions came galloping from a field far away. One was all black, and the other, all gray. Akol patted the black stallion’s neck. “Greetings to you too Raven.” The all gray horse nickered. “I missed you too, Pebble. But I’m back now! How are the foals doing?” he asked.

Pebble and Raven bobbed his head.

“That’s good. You two let me know if you need anything alright?”

The stallions bobbed their heads again.

“But right now, I need you guys’ help.” Akol pointed behind him towards the sleeping Audrey and Will. “They’re going to wake up soon, and you know I can’t have them floating once they wake. So I was wondering if both of you could carry them? Just to the palace?”

Both Pebble and Raven trotted underneath Audrey. They looked at each other and nipped at each other’s mane. Akol rolled his eyes. “Stop.” They obeyed. “Raven, you can take Will. Pebble? Stick with Audrey.”

Pebble raised his head, full of pride, and snorted. Raven drooped, slowly walking underneath Will. Gradually, the couple were seated on the stallions - still asleep. Akol patted both horses and the snort from Pebble jerked Audrey awake. She looked around drowsily. “What the…” She stared down at Pebble’s mane. Her gaze shifted to how far off she was from the ground. At least two meters. “...Will!” she screamed.

Will groaned. Akol rolled his eyes, and continued walking.

“Why am I on a horse?” Will asked. Akol smirked. “Audrey?”

“Will, I’m scared of heights, please, get me off!” Audrey shrieked.

Since Will knew how to ride, he reigned Raven towards Pebble. Raven snorted as his shoulder and thigh touched Pebble’s. “Easy there.” Will whispered, patting Raven’s neck.

“What are you doing? Will, you’ll fall!” Audrey cried.

“Calm down.” Will said, concentrating on bringing up his legs and crouching down on Raven’s side.

Akol turned around and raised his brow. “You do realize you could just get off Raven and hop on Pebble.”

Will shrugged. “I’m showing off is all.”

“You’re not doing well.” Akol said. He raised his hand and flicked his wrist to right, magically making Will tumble right off Raven, who had halted. “See?”

“Ugh.” he groaned. “Was that necessary?”

“Absolutely.”

Will stayed on the ground for a while. Audrey glared at Akol. “Now he’s paralyzed.”

“I’m not.” he said.

“Get me off! I’m afraid of horses and heights.” she whined. “Please.”

Akol raised his hand and flicked his wrist to the left. He raised his head, amused, as Audrey fell off, screaming. “Oww.” she groaned, slowly getting up and crawling over to Will.

“Are you okay?” she whispered.

“Couldn’t be better.” Will snapped, getting up on his elbows. Audrey frowned. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to snap.”

“You too need to stop fighting.” Akol said, turning away and continuing towards the palace.

“Says the one who dropped both of us!” Audrey yelled at his back. After a moment, “Wait!”

***

Finally, they had arrived at the palace. It loomed above them, gray and haunting. More lifeless trees surrounded the back of the palace. And the mid-afternoon sun gave it an eerie glow. There were barely any windows, but there were a couple of bars in some places.

Audrey took a sharp intake of breath. “What is this place?” she asked.

Akol clicked his tongue and the stallions both bowed at him before galloping away behind the palace.

“You know, I actually felt more safe with the horses.” Will said.

“Wasn’t asking for your opinion.” Akol huffed. He turned around again to face the couple. “As for your question, Audrey, this is where me and my siblings live.”

“You have siblings?” Audrey gaped.

“Shut your mouth - you look inhumane - and yes, I do have siblings, is there a problem?”

“Yes, there is. You never seemed like a person who would have siblings…” Audrey trailed off because of the snarl Akol gave her. Will smirked. Akol’s eye twitched and he turned on his heel, pushing open the wooden gates of the palace. The walls were made of stone - the same from outside. There were no pictures of anything, no home decorations, no nothing. And it was cold.

Audrey shivered. Quickly, as if on instinct, Will pulled off his hoodie and held it out for Audrey. She looked at it, then rolled her eyes. “I was expecting you to put it on me.” she said flatly.

Will shrugged. “I’m not that cheesy. Take it or leave it.”

Audrey controlled her smile and swatted at him. He watched Akol stand frozen at the front as she slipped on his hoodie. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked, stepping forward.

“Waiting.” Akol said curtly.

“For what?” Audrey asked, shuffling closer to Will for warmth. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her closer.

“For a slave.”

Slave?” Audrey squeaked. She cleared her throat. “Why do you have slaves? That’s cruel.”

Akol sighed. “Shut the hell up.”

Will ground his teeth. How dare he talk to my wife like that? “Since you’re the master of Hell, I’m assuming you’d be the only one to shut it up.” he said coolly, straightening his posture. Akol facepalmed and turned to look at the two.

“Will you please shut your mouths?” Akol asked pleadingly.

Audrey looked at Will and kissed his neck. “At least he said please.”

“You’re taking his -”

Right at that second, a young girl, around seven or eight years old ran into the front hallway where the three of them were still standing. She was skinny. Her brown hair was tied into two braids and she wore a shalwar kameez. The top part - the kameez - was pink and netted, while the bottom part - the shalwar - was black with pink, yellow, green and purple embroidery at the bottom.

Audrey smiled sweetly at the young girl and gave her a slight wave. The girl waved back and sent Audrey a smile as well, but it didn’t reach her hazel eyes. Audrey’s smile faltered.

“Took you long enough, Ujalaa.” Akol glared at Ujalaa. “You’re a trainee so I’ll let you off the hook. Be careful next time.” Ujalaa nodded so fast it looked like her head was about to pop off.

The anger in his voice stopped both Audrey and Will to keep their mouths shut. Akol looked at the couple and smiled sweetly. “She’ll accompany you to your rooms. Food will be delivered there. You can rest as you please because you have to be ready for what is to come.” And then he was off.

Audrey and Will looked at each other, then down at Ujalaa. She gave them a shy smile. This time, it reached her eyes.


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Wed Apr 29, 2020 6:14 pm
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LadyVendetta wrote a review...



Wesh, Libby! I'm back at it, ready to read some more. I noticed there is no 6, and I searched your portfolio, but couldn't find it. Is it a mistake on my side or can you link it? ^^ Let's get started.

Hours passed - it was almost mid-afternoon and they still hadn’t reached wherever they were going. Audrey was now on Will’s back, half-asleep, and Will had unbuttoned the first two buttons on his black shirt. It had gotten warm, especially with the heat radiating off Audrey’s body. Akol still looked as handsome as ever. Not a single scratch. Audrey and Will still couldn’t talk, and Akol still didn’t let them do so.

OK, so I have no idea what happened in chapter 6, but Akol reminds me of the song “JUst One Yesterday” by Fall Out Boy. Tell me it’s not him summed up in a song!

Will wanted to point out that he had said that many times before and they still weren’t there. Wherever the hell ‘there’ was. He couldn't though. Akol had taken their voice away. He started feeling weak. When he spotted a long, smooth, stone slab a few feet away from him, he walked towards it and set Audrey down on it. She shifted uncomfortable on the slab, and finally, after some more shifting, settled onto her side. Will plopped down beside her. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and his head drooped. He fainted. They had been walking too long and without food or water.

Your descriptions are amazing so far, the flow is fine, but your paragraphs. Girl, if they were shorter, you’d be able to pack more of a punch into your story, these long ones are wordy, hard to follow, and fall sort of flat. Also, Akol is insanely creepy, but cool. If that’s the aesthetic you were going for, you did it well!

There was a large, stoney palace on the horizon. Akol sighed. “Finally.” This job would have been so much easier if he could snap his fingers to get to places. But the snapping-fingers-trick only worked if one wanted to get to a different planet.

Whose point of view are you narrating from? It seems like you’re jumping back and forth from their thoughts, but make it more clear and consistent. If you are from,, Will’s, per say, say what he thinks they’re thinking, don’t be so clear. He’s not a mind reader.

EXAMPLES:
Instead of: Akol was terrified
Akol stumbled over his words, his eyes wide.

But that’s if you’re doing a certain viewpoint. I’ll move on.

“Greetings to you too Raven.”

Commas, love. Hehe, but of course there are horses! I love it.

Both Pebble and Raven trotted underneath Audrey. They looked at each other and nipped at each other’s mane. Akol rolled his eyes. “Stop.” They obeyed. “Raven, you can take Will. Pebble? Stick with Audrey.”

Agh, you’re having the characters explain everything. Your readers can follow along, one mistake is explaining everything. Let things sort themselves out and reduce this to a few commands.
“Raven, you’re with Will. Pebble, Audrey.” More direct!



“You’re not doing well.” Akol said. He raised his hand and flicked his wrist to right, magically making Will tumble right off Raven, who had halted. “See?”

Ahh, magical leader, sass, this seems familiar *squints eyes* XD don’t worry, I’m teasing. Personally, the horse part drags on, and they are way too well-spoken for two scared people on another planet...

“You too need to stop fighting.” Akol said, turning away and continuing towards the palace.

I like their personalities so far, but they feel like the same person in this chapter, if that makes sense. Like, same speaking manner, words, pattern, jokes, yet different personalities. Give them a word they say a lot. Maybe one of them says “um” an ungodly amount of times, or a signature word. Or one word that they use in a weird way. Or one has a huge vocabulary while one is not so articulate.

Want me to explain better, let me know if I make no sense!

Give them some depth through their words.


Audrey took a sharp intake of breath. “What is this place?” she asked.

Yes, what is it? Good description there, though, and it flowed rather well!

My dog is on my lap and he says hi.

“Shut your mouth - you look inhumane - and yes, I do have siblings, is there a problem?”

Oof, he is so sassy! He’s my favorite character, but don’t over-do his sass, one thing I’ve learned is if a character is very sarcastic, then you have to balance it with a generous, or caring, or kind, or smart side. Just so they aren’t obnoxious about it.

“For a slave.”
Oof, that line did make me gasp! You’re really improving throughout this series!

Akol sighed. “Shut the hell up.”
That’s not even sass, just mean, which I guess he is, but come on, he can be so much more witty, which is was sas is<3

Audrey looked at Will and kissed his neck. “At least he said please.”

-_- Youre in hell, now is really not the time… Remember more realistic emotions and reactions. A squeeze of the hand, a small shared smile, or something would feel more real, don’t you agree?

Audrey smiled sweetly at the young girl and gave her a slight wave. The girl waved back and sent Audrey a smile as well, but it didn’t reach her hazel eyes. Audrey’s smile faltered.
Maybe say how far away the girl is, if they’re close enough to see her eye color, which seems a bit disrespectful for a slave I hate writing that word, for the record

Audrey and Will looked at each other, then down at Ujalaa. She gave them a shy smile. This time, it reached her eyes.
Ah, a rather sweet ending to a slightly heavy chapter.

OVERALL: Loved it! The flow is much better, and their personalities are more developed. One concern is how calm they are, wouldn’t they try to put up a little bit of a fight.

See you next chapter

Jade




Liberty says...


Ahhh I just re-posted chapter 6. I suggest you check that out before getting to the next chapter. And thanks for the review! <3 :)



LadyVendetta says...


Oops, too late, but I'll read it now... before going to 9



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Tue Mar 31, 2020 10:23 pm
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MeherazulAzim16 wrote a review...



Hey there!

Credits to you that, by chapter 6, you had us think we got Akol figured out. He came off as dangerous but he's really just a wisecracking guardian demon who needs Aud and Will's help. Sounds reasonable.

Turns out there's more to him. Maybe a darker side. Curious to see how the "slave" revelation is built up on.

Moving on to other talking points/issues/highlights—

Akol still looked as handsome as ever. Not a single scratch. Audrey and Will still couldn’t talk, and Akol still didn’t let them do so.


I feel like there was a bit of redundancy here. If Aud and Will couldn't still talk, it must be because Akol wouldn't let them.

But the snapping-fingers-trick only worked if one wanted to get to a different planet.


Wait a second... is the ditch on a different planet?

I can’t have them floating once they wake.


Akol's powers seem to have interesting limitations.

“Raven, you can take Will. Pebble? Stick with Audrey.”

Pebble raised his head, full of pride, and snorted. Raven drooped, slowly walking underneath Will.


Ah, I see the horses have a bias for the painter.

Since Will knew how to ride, he reigned Raven towards Pebble.


I feel like it would have been a strong pay off had this ability been established early on (first couple chapters preferably). It's possible you discovered Will's riding mastery later into writing Painter and Writer's Magic. But if you opt for revision or an edit in the future, upon completing the story, I'd suggest seeing if such a retcon fits in. Not that the revelation as it is now couldn't have a pay off in the future.

Finally, they had arrived at the palace. It loomed above them, gray and haunting. More lifeless trees surrounded the back of the palace. And the mid-afternoon sun gave it an eerie glow. There were barely any windows, but there were a couple of bars in some places.


I like set up here. It's ominous. Kind of foreshadowed the tone of the interaction with Ujalaa.

“Since you’re the master of Hell, I’m assuming you’d be the only one to shut it up.” he said coolly, straightening his posture. Akol facepalmed and turned to look at the two.


Took me a second to catch what Will was getting at but then I chuckled and had pretty much the same reaction as Akol. The dialogues so far all go with the characters.

“Took you long enough, Ujalaa.” Akol glared at Ujalaa. “You’re a trainee so I’ll let you off the hook. Be careful next time.” Ujalaa nodded so fast it looked like her head was about to pop off.

I'm really intrigued to know more about Akol and what on hell is going on inside the palace. What is Ujalaa training for? Is she really a kid?

That's the review! To summarize, Akol gets more interesting every chapter. I'd still like to see more development on Aud and Will's characters, maybe a little backstory, or what their weaknesses may be or further illustrations of their abilities. Keep on writing and happy reviewing!

~MAS




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review!



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Tue Mar 31, 2020 2:03 am
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EternalRain wrote a review...



YAY another character. I already love Ujalaa with my whole heart!! I'm curious why Akol referred to her as a "slave" though, but then later trainee - it feels a bit off for a trainee to be a slave. Although Audrey's reaction to the word "slave" was perfect.

In fact, everyone's reaction to everything this chapter was marvelous. Akol's interaction with the horses was just too good (ALSO!! I spotted that Raven name!!! Unlucky 13 reference ;) ) and like I said last chapter, I'm loving how there's two sides of Akol being revealed - he clearly is good, but definitely has some bad things going on.

All in all, the dialogue this chapter was really strong. The banter between characters is great. My favorite part was this little bit:

“Wasn’t asking for your opinion.” Akol huffed. He turned around again to face the couple. “As for your question, Audrey, this is where me and my siblings live.”

“You have siblings?” Audrey gaped.

“Shut your mouth - you look inhumane - and yes, I do have siblings, is there a problem?”

“Yes, there is. You never seemed like a person who would have siblings…”


So great! And Akol's "inhumane" comment... bahahhaha! (And it also makes me wonder how many humans he's had interaction with.... oooooh .... interesting)

One thing I think could enhance this chapter is more description. I wish there was a bit more description spread out across the chapter - I mean, we're in a totally different world! I would love more opportunities to visualize the world. Where are they exactly? In an empty field? And what's the castle look like? Also, if you're wondering what to write, something I always like to keep in mind is adding description not only to paint a picture, but also to paint the ATMOSPHERE. What does the place feel like? Is there light pouring in through the castle that makes it feel heaven-like? Or is it drab and glum?

For example:

Finally, they had arrived at the palace. It loomed above them, gray and haunting. More lifeless trees surrounded the back of the palace. And the mid-afternoon sun gave it an eerie glow. There were barely any windows, but there were a couple of bars in some places.


This bit was pretty good! And atmospheric! However, it's the only bit of description :( I wish it was continued throughout the rest of the scene - are they entering the palace? Or just standing outside it? Does it look like the darkened version of a fairy tale castle, or is it just a slab of gray? (Also, this is where similes come in handy!)

Okay, I'm going to stop blabbering about description, lol. Peace~

~ EternalRain




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review! c:



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Mon Mar 30, 2020 5:29 pm
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Gnomish wrote a review...



Hello, I'm sorry it's been a while, I'll try and catch up over the next couple days.

"You too need to stop fighting." A little typo here, you said too instead of two (unless you mean you as well need to stop fighting).

"Couldn’t be better.” Will snapped, getting up on his elbows. Audrey frowned. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to snap."

I think this would be clearer if you made "Audrey frowned" it's own paragraph, and then Will's second comment yet another paragraph.

“Says the one who dropped both of us!” Audrey yelled at his back. After a moment, “Wait!”

I like this line a lot!

“Took you long enough, Ujalaa.” Akol glared at Ujalaa. “You’re a trainee so I’ll let you off the hook. Be careful next time.” Zoya nodded so fast it looked like her head was about to pop off.

Where did the name Zoya come from?

Overall, I really like the direction of this and how Akol is showing some more "human" emotion. I'll try to review the next chapter sooner this time!
-Gnomish




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review! And Zoya was meant to be Ujalaa - I did last minute name changing so I guess I forgot about that. xD They're the same person, though!



Gnomish says...


I figured something like that, always a pain to do name changes!



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Hkumar wrote a review...



Hey!

Finally I have reached your latest chapter! I have enjoyed it so far and did like this one as well.

Panic struck him. “Where did you two go?” He caught sight of the couple on the slab and ran towards them. “What… Oh. Oh no. Frick.” he muttered. Akol raised his hands again, letting their vocal cords grow back without pain. Afterwards, he held out his hands towards both of them, purple mist dancing out of his palms, surrounding the couple. Soon enough, they were floating above ground.

Akol's got a soft corner in his heart <3.

Pebble and Raven bobbed his head.(it should be 'their heads')
Akol turned around and raised his brow. “You do realize you could just get off Raven and hop on Pebble.”
Will shrugged. “I’m showing off is all.”
“You’re not doing well.” Akol said. He raised his hand and flicked his wrist to right, magically making Will tumble right off Raven, who had halted. “See?”
“Ugh.” he groaned. “Was that necessary?”
“Absolutely.”

It seems Akol never leaves a chance to annoy Will. lol These little pranks really makes Akol more adorable.

“You too need to stop fighting.” Akol said, turning away and continuing towards the palace.
“Says the one who dropped both of us!” Audrey yelled at his back.

Nice comeback by Audrey :p
“You have siblings?” Audrey gaped.“Shut your mouth - you look inhumane - and yes, I do have siblings, is there a problem?”

I love your way of writing dialogues. They are so hilarious at times. ;)

ohh I think you changed the name and forgot to make the correction.(I like Ujalaa more)

I guess we'll have to wait for the next chapter to know more about the palace. I am eager to know how Akol's home is form the inside and who are his siblings.
Your plot so far is really interesting and the three MCs have been developed such that the reader will love all three of them for their unique and amusing nature.
Good luck for your future work! :)




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review! I'll hopefully have the next chapter up by tomorrow at the latest. <3



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Mon Mar 23, 2020 6:56 pm
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JesseWrites wrote a review...



Your story is good. The relationship between Audrey and Will is so cute. Akol has a great personality. Your characters are amazing. I love how you use words like frick. It makes me feel soft for characters.

i didn't really like how you described the palace. It lacked some detail. My favorite character is Akol. He is sweet.

Keep it up!
~S.M.Locke




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review! :)



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4revgreen wrote a review...



Hi there!

After reviewing this I am DEFINITELY going to write the next part of Eyelam, I've been so busy that I keep forgetting too! Ugh! :-)

Once again, I loved this chapter :-) Audrey and Will are too cute, as always. I like how you introduced a more sensitive side to Akol with how he talked to Pebble and Raven, but also made sure you reiterated he was a devil by making him have child servants.

Audrey was now on Will’s back, half-asleep, and Will had unbuttoned the first two buttons on his black shirt. It had gotten warm, especially with the heat radiating off Audrey’s body. Akol still looked as handsome as ever. Not a single scratch. Audrey and Will still couldn’t talk, and Akol still didn’t let them do so.

Audrey and Will are just too adorable. I love them so much <3

“We’re almost there.” Akol said again.
Will wanted to point out that he had said that many times before and they still weren’t there.

I love Akol, and feel so bad for Will most of the time! He's been dragged on this journey against his will.

Akol patted the black stallion’s neck. “Greetings to you too Raven.” The all gray horse nickered. “I missed you too, Pebble. But I’m back now! How are the foals doing?” he asked.

Okay, this makes me love Akol even more! He's actually such a softy, I swear.

“Will, I’m scared of heights, please, get me off!” Audrey shrieked.

Typical Audrey! XD

Finally, they had arrived at the palace. It loomed above them, gray and haunting. More lifeless trees surrounded the back of the palace. And the mid-afternoon sun gave it an eerie glow. There were barely any windows, but there were a couple of bars in some places.
[/quote][/quote]
It'd be great if you could describe the palace in more detail! This is the perfect place for a vivid description.

Keep writing :-)




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review! Also, for the last bit, I didn't know what else to add as a description. Any ideas? xP



4revgreen says...


hmm, well you've said about bars on the windows so you could compare it to a prison, or say there's like ugly looking statues or gargoyles or something? You could make it reflect Akol's personality?



Liberty says...


Ah, okay, thank you!!



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Magebird wrote a review...



Hey Hedwiggle! I'm here for that promised review. :)

Audrey was now on Will’s back, half-asleep, and Will had unbuttoned the first two buttons on his black shirt.


You really do have a knack for writing cute couples.

Akol still looked as handsome as ever.


I blame ~magic~.

Audrey and Will still couldn’t talk, and Akol still didn’t let them do so.


Something about the wording of this sentence feels off. It might be because you use "and" and a comma instead of something else? The reader can infer that Audrey and Will haven't spoken if they know that Akol is still using his magic. A better way to write it might be something like this:

Akol still wasn't letting Audrey and Will talk, even when Audrey wasn't dozing off.


It acknowledges that Audrey isn't really a part of the interactions right now, while also showing what's happened thanks to Akol being stubborn and antisocial not letting up his magic.

“Where did you two go?” He caught sight of the couple on the slab and ran towards them. “What… Oh. Oh no. Frick.” he muttered.


Something tells me someone forgot about human limitations. :P

Also, there's just something really cute about an all powerful demon/devil saying "frick" instead of something else. It's a surprisingly tame substitute for regular old swearing, and gives Akol the casual vibe I think you've been going for.

Pebble and Raven bobbed his head.


The casualness of a name like Pebble is hilarious next to the elegance of a name like Raven.

(Also, I think you meant "their" instead of "his" here.)

“Will, I’m scared of heights, please, get me off!” Audrey shrieked.


Poor Audrey. :(

“You’re not doing well.” Akol said. He raised his hand and flicked his wrist to right, magically making Will tumble right off Raven, who had halted. “See?”

“Ugh.” he groaned. “Was that necessary?”

“Absolutely.”


Akol no.

“Get me off! I’m afraid of horses and heights.” she whined. “Please.”

Akol raised his hand and flicked his wrist to the left. He raised his head, amused, as Audrey fell off, screaming. “Oww.” she groaned, slowly getting up and crawling over to Will.


Everything after "screaming" should be its own paragraph, and there should be a comma after "Oww".

Also, Akol no.

I saw it coming the moment she asked to get off.

“You know, I actually felt more safe with the horses.” Will said.


There should be a comma at the end of the dialogue.

And Will, stop being rude to your host. :P

“Wasn’t asking for your opinion.” Akol huffed. He turned around again to face the couple. “As for your question, Audrey, this is where me and my siblings live.”


I didn't even think about Akol having siblings - I wonder what they're like! I hope you introduce them soon. :)

“Waiting.” Akol said curtly.

“For what?” Audrey asked, shuffling closer to Will for warmth. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her closer.

“For a slave.”

“Slave?” Audrey squeaked. She cleared her throat. “Why do you have slaves? That’s cruel.”

Akol sighed. “Shut the hell up.”


Part of me really should have expected a ruler of Hell would have a slave or two, but wow. That's...not what I guessed at all. I was really enjoying Akol's character, but that's a hard pill to swallow. I hope it gets addressed more in later chapters, and I hope Akol realizes the error of his ways.

Zoya nodded so fast it looked like her head was about to pop off.


You used the wrong name here.

And man, I want to give Akol a stern talking to for how he's treating this poor girl.

Audrey and Will looked at each other, then down at Ujalaa. She gave them a shy smile. This time, it reached her eyes.


Awwww.

Audrey and Will are totally going to adopt her by the end of this story I'm calling it now.

All in all, great chapter! I mentioned a few grammatical nitpicks here and there, but it's honestly a really strong chapter. I can't wait to see what you have in store for the next!




Liberty says...


Thanks for the review! Also, this part:
Zoya nodded so fast it looked like her head was about to pop off.

Firstly, I last minute changed her name to Ujalaa. xD And, it actually is supposed to be her name because she's nodding to what Akol said. Hope that makes sense!

Also, the slave thing will definitely be elaborated later, I promise. Akol isn't that insane. :p

Thanks again! :)



Magebird says...


You're welcome!

I had a sneaking suspicion - I've done the same thing before. :P




No, it's not that you didn't succeed. You accomplished a lot, but, if you want to touch people, don't concentrate so much on rhyme and metre. Think more about what you want to say instead of how you're saying it.
— LCDR Geordi La Forge