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I Don't Know // Prologue Kinda Thing

by Lib


a/n: review whatever you want idk what this is yet it kinda just came to me

--

It was the dead of night on August twenty-ninth, 2004, when she was born. A beautiful baby girl, who arrived early into this world, the exactly thirty centimetres. Her grandmother showered her first grandchild with gifts and presents and everything she would need for the next few months. Everything was there for her. She had everything she, a toddler, could ever want. 

Four years passed, and lots had happened. Her family of three shifted houses four times, every year, and finally settled into a townhouse in the middle of the city. She had a beautiful big room all to herself, her own swing set inside her room, and a gorgeous view of the city from her window. 

Once they had made their space in that community, she started noticing her mother's stomach start to get bigger and bigger. She asked her mother once, "Why do you eat so much?"

Her mother laughed and hugged her, telling her there was a surprise.

She hated surprises. The wait, the suspense, it was too much for her, so she asked her mother every day about it. Bugged her mother 'till she was yelled at and told to go up to her room. Her mother seemed moodier by the day. She didn't like it, so that day, she walked out of the house through the back door, and like the toddler she was, got distracted and started chasing one of the cats she had noticed crossing the cross walk.

And within a minute, everything went pitch black.

--

a/n: oook crazy turn of events i was not expecting that to happen lol. i don't really even know what happened and am too scared to read it over because i know i'll just not end up sharing it with you guys haha. but what do you think? does this sound like something you'd read? do you think the prologue could be extended? do the pronouns get confusing or too repetitive? constructive criticism is welcome!

word count: 249 


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Fri Oct 28, 2022 1:20 pm
Snoink wrote a review...



Okay! So... um... I have five kids (the youngest one is nine months old) so I am just going to bug you on developmental stuff. XD

Her grandmother showered her first grandchild with gifts and presents and everything she would need for the next few months. Everything was there for her. She had everything she, a toddler, could ever want.


Toddlers are called toddlers because they kind of have this weird toddling, unsteady walk. It's adorable. But you're using the words "she would need for the next few months." Which kind of indicates that you are describing an infant, not a toddler. Anyway, infants mostly want to hang out with Mom all day long. So like... presents are not as important as presence to an infant. An infant has very basic desires!

Once they had made their space in that community, she started noticing her mother's stomach start to get bigger and bigger. She asked her mother once, "Why do you eat so much?"


I would use belly, not stomach. Though like... maybe it's both if she eats that much, haha. (I actually eat LESS when I am pregnant than normal?? Because diabetes sucks...)

Her mother laughed and hugged her, telling her there was a surprise.


OKAY. So. That's actually a terrible parenting approach, lol. Four years old is DEFINITELY old enough to tell the kid that there's a new baby on the way, especially if the kid is directly asking you about why your body is changing! In fact, you sort of need to tell them so you can help them out with the big life changes that are coming, since even dealing with their mother's pregnancy can be a bit traumatic to the little ones if you don't let them know that this is a temporary thing and that Mommy still loves them, etc.

Mind you! When they are four years old (I have a four-year-old now!) they are still trying to wrap their mind about pregnancy and babies and things are a bit confusing. Also, they'll forget everything you tell them and you'll have to remind them constantly, haha. But you do have to mentally prepare them!

NOW. If she were two, I would be like, "Yeah, whatever, she is about to get the shock of her life, lol." Like, I have a two-year-old as well, and even though we tried our best to prepare all the kids, including the two-year-old, being two is just... they have a tough time getting that concept that pregnancy means a new baby. But four-years-old is definitely old enough!

She hated surprises. The wait, the suspense, it was too much for her, so she asked her mother every day about it. Bugged her mother 'till she was yelled at and told to go up to her room.


SEE? This is why you shouldn't keep it a secret! This mother is dumb... punishing her child for her natural curiosity and not sharing important news. Seriously. And where is the dad in this? Do they not talk to each other about the baby at all? I don't get it...

She didn't like it, so that day, she walked out of the house through the back door, and like the toddler she was, got distracted and started chasing one of the cats she had noticed crossing the cross walk.

And within a minute, everything went pitch black.


Having lived in downtown in a large city before, I can assure you that I did everything I could to prevent my children from wandering off like this... because CARS AND CHILDREN TERRIFY ME.

Anyway, I am assuming that she was struck down by a car? Or maybe she had a seizure unexpectedly???

WHAT IS GOING ON?????




Snoink says...


...OH. I would probably want to read the rest to find out what happened to the poor girl with the terrible parents, haha.



Snoink says...


OMG. I just looked at the date. *dies* This is one of those embarrassing things that people just like and then you die of embarrassment, isn't it? XD



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Fri Sep 24, 2021 8:52 pm
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MeherazulAzim16 wrote a review...



Hello there!

First of all, I loved the voice of the narrator. Really pulled me into the story. Now let's get right to your questions.

does this sound like something you'd read?


Possibly. I wanna know what the next sentence is in this tale. Because it could really literally go in any direction.

do you think the prologue could be extended?


It is a rather short prologue. I wouldn't mind it if the narrative had more breathing space. At the same time, I think it works as it is. Specially in a scenario where the world that has been set up here is less important in the rest of the story.

That being said, within just 250 words you've managed to set up some important things: the main character's family, their conflicts. So irrespective of whether these elements become important later on or if the story goes somewhere else, the prologue works.

do the pronouns get confusing or too repetitive?


I didn't think so! I noticed some repetitions but for me they rather enriched the narrative voice.

I think that's it for this review. Stay safe and keep writing!

~MAS




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Fri Sep 24, 2021 6:41 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Liberty,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

It's a bit difficult to review something where the author themself doesn't really know where the story is going or what it is exactly. At the same time, I can completely understand that something has come into your head that you want to put down on paper.

So let's get started. At first glance it looks like a typical prologue. We learn that a girl was born and we also get a brief insight into her life up to a certain point. Very mysterious not to give her a name, as I think there might be something behind it.

What struck me in the first paragraph and disappeared a bit in the next ones was that you applied a different narrative there. You created more of this kind of repetition, that this newborn girl is special, and in the next sections it faded away, as if she had become “mortal".

We only learn two points about the girl in this short prologue; she is curious and she doesn't like surprises. This could develop into an interesting story, especially with the cliffhanger that developed towards the end. Overall, I think you have created a "normal" story that is still missing that certain something to make it radiate through other points and why I should read this and not the one next door. What I like is that because we don't know what is relevant and how it will appear in the story, the whole prologue seems mysterious and has a hint of fog about it, which definitely arouses my curiosity.

I found the pacing a little too fast in places. One point you're talking about a move and in the next section the girl can already talk, so I assume a few years have passed in between, because last time I asked a baby to help me do my tax return, it cried. :D

I also think you went too quickly from a prologue to a sequel to a chapter with the last paragraph. I think the idea is already there that you want to present, but at the moment it's like an accordion that needs to be pulled apart. I would say for a first draft it already looks like you've put some interesting ideas in there. Since neither you nor the reader knows exactly where it's going, it's hard to form an opinion about what's important here and how it could develop into a story. I'll wait until the first chapter to see where it can lead me. :D

Have fun writing!

Mailice




Lib says...


ahh thanks so much for the review, Mailice, and for pointing all that out! i definitely need to work on my pacing for sure heh. thanks again!! <33 C:



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Tue Sep 21, 2021 8:02 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: On first impression, this is interesting, it definitely caught my attention somewhat at the start and the ending does manage to..pretty much firmly get my attention, but there's a few parts that maybe shouldn't be here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was the dead of night on August twenty-ninth, 2004, when she was born. A beautiful baby girl, who arrived early into this world, the exactly thirty centimetres. Her grandmother showered her first grandchild with gifts and presents and everything she would need for the next few months. Everything was there for her. She had everything she, a toddler, could ever want.


Hmm...bit of a neutral start here...not the most intense thing to put into a prologue, but more like the start of distant series of memories which is still fun to see. The little bit of extra detail there about the babies birth size is an interesting choice but I think it works cause it appears that the birth itself is perhaps meant to be a bit of a focus point here.

Four years passed, and lots had happened. Her family of three shifted houses four times, every year, and finally settled into a townhouse in the middle of the city. She had a beautiful big room all to herself, her own swing set inside her room, and a gorgeous view of the city from her window.


Hmm, well time appears to be ticking by there...so far, this is going along in that neutral sense once more, it's a bit tough to say what this is trying to convey, but well let's see how things go. For now, it's not boring, but it's not particularly exciting either.

Once they had made their space in that community, she started noticing her mother's stomach start to get bigger and bigger. She asked her mother once, "Why do you eat so much?"

Her mother laughed and hugged her, telling her there was a surprise.


Oooh, so perhaps this is the actual birth we're supposed to be looking out for maybe. This little moment that you've chosen to zoom in on does make things interesting...the first couple of paragraphs had a much more flowy feel to it, but now we've zoomed in on this one moment...and I get the feeling something's about to go down here.

She hated surprises. The wait, the suspense, it was too much for her, so she asked her mother every day about it. Bugged her mother 'till she was yelled at and told to go up to her room. Her mother seemed moodier by the day. She didn't like it, so that day, she walked out of the house through the back door, and like the toddler she was, got distracted and started chasing one of the cats she had noticed crossing the cross walk.

And within a minute, everything went pitch black.


Ooohh...well...her mother starting to feel a bit moody seems slightly odd, but probably explainable cause she appears to be pregnant, but BOOM that ending comes out of nowhere...certainly wasn't expecting that sequence of events from where this began. That ending certainly makes for a really neat hook there to make you want to flip that page immediately and figure out what happens next.

The one issue is...it looks like that is the main focus here, this toddler going out and then the fade to block...so the whole pregnant mother part with the child not understanding makes sense, but the whole talk of her birth and moving to a new house kind of feels like it doesn't belong. Those details don't really tie in to the rest of the story, and it feels kind of like unnecessary detail if this is going to be a prologue. For a first chapter, that might be somewhat okay, but now really for a prologue.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I'm gonna try and answer the thing you had in your author's note. I think this is a good start...definitely something I'd read. Not everyday you see a toddler blacking out...and that makes me want to know more. As for extending, I think honestly the first two paragraphs are a bit unnecessary and just those last two would drive this point home well enough. If you really wanted something a bit long you can flesh out the whole blacking out incident a bit more with some descriptions of the surroundings or something like that. The main character is a toddler, so the stuff you can showcase is a bit limited but I think honestly, keeping it a short and very punchy prologue is still a very effective way to go :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




Lib says...


ah, i see what you mean with the first two paragraphs, it makes sense. i'm honored to have one of your reviews! thank you so much! glad you enjoyed it ^^ <33 C:



KateHardy says...


:D Aww....<33 You're Welcome!!



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Tue Sep 21, 2021 12:27 am
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AilahEvelynMae wrote a review...



Hi there, Ellie here!

OK, This would be something that I would be 100% happy to read! Please write more. The ending is very interesting I really enjoyed it. I feel like the story completely go another way then I am expecting it to go. Some thing that seems one way is it going to be completely different. Overall I enjoy it and I look forward to seeing more. It was very short I was able to grab my attention. It was not too long and kept my mind busy.

All of my love! Sending you my love <3 <3 <3 <3

Ellie-Mae




Lib says...


thanks so much for the review, ellie-mae!! <3 i'm glad you enjoyed the prologue so much :'))) i'll definitely make sure to update you when a new chapter comes up!



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Mon Sep 20, 2021 11:47 pm
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IMK wrote a review...



hello! IMK here.

uh I'll organise into glows and grows

GLOWS:
- I love the suspenseful setting
- pretty accurate reproduction of kids say stupid things
- i love the "you're mean I hate you I'm going to run away but not run away" attitude, and you portrayed it perfectly.
- All the capitalization is perfect!
- I too, hate surprises so i resonated with that.
- The final line is c h i l l i n g



GROWS:

[grammatical]:
- and lots happened --> and lots had happened

- Bugged her mother till she was yelled at--> She bugged her mother 'till she was yelled at,

- She didn't like it, so she walked out of the house that day she got yelled at and pranced out onto the streets --> She didn't like it, so that day when she was yelled at, she pranced out the door and onto the streets,

[writing-wise]:
- It was August 29th, 2004, the dead of night when she was born --> It was the dead hours of the night on August twenty-ninth, 2004, when she was born.

- who arrived early into this world, the size of her father's palm. - I'm pretty sure no matter how early you are, you're at least bigger than your dad's hand, because with that size she probably would have grown up with some lasting conditions.

- I think you could replace some of the instances of "she" with things like "the girl"



All in all, I really loved the prologue(?), and am looking forward to more. :)

-IMK




Lib says...


ahh this was a very nice review to read!! very organized! xD

I'm pretty sure no matter how early you are, you're at least bigger than your dad's hand, because with that size she probably would have grown up with some lasting conditions.

lolll i didn't see that coming but i see what you mean xD i stared at my palm for a while and even doubled it but i couldn't imagine a baby that small. thank you so much for pointing that out!!

thanks so much for the wonderful review, i'll fix up everything you mentioned!! <33



IMK says...


I mean, there's definitely been babies small enough to fit in their dad's hand, but they often die young, suffer complications later in life, or go through drastic measures to keep them alive and healthy later on.



Lib says...


yeah, i understand what you're saying, but i figured this girl needed to be a healthy child for something unpredictable that might happen later. then again, i honestly didn't think this through and never knew this prologue was going to be a thing today until only a few minutes ago. >.>




Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author