Young Writers Society

Okay! So... um... I have five kids (the youngest one is nine months old) so I am just going to bug you on developmental stuff. XD

Her grandmother showered her first grandchild with gifts and presents and everything she would need for the next few months. Everything was there for her. She had everything she, a toddler, could ever want.

Once they had made their space in that community, she started noticing her mother's stomach start to get bigger and bigger. She asked her mother once, "Why do you eat so much?"

Her mother laughed and hugged her, telling her there was a surprise.

She hated surprises. The wait, the suspense, it was too much for her, so she asked her mother every day about it. Bugged her mother 'till she was yelled at and told to go up to her room.

She didn't like it, so that day, she walked out of the house through the back door, and like the toddler she was, got distracted and started chasing one of the cats she had noticed crossing the cross walk.

And within a minute, everything went pitch black.

Hello there!

First of all, I loved the voice of the narrator. Really pulled me into the story. Now let's get right to your questions.

does this sound like something you'd read?

do you think the prologue could be extended?

do the pronouns get confusing or too repetitive?

Hi Liberty,

Mailice here with a short review!

It's a bit difficult to review something where the author themself doesn't really know where the story is going or what it is exactly. At the same time, I can completely understand that something has come into your head that you want to put down on paper.

So let's get started. At first glance it looks like a typical prologue. We learn that a girl was born and we also get a brief insight into her life up to a certain point. Very mysterious not to give her a name, as I think there might be something behind it.

What struck me in the first paragraph and disappeared a bit in the next ones was that you applied a different narrative there. You created more of this kind of repetition, that this newborn girl is special, and in the next sections it faded away, as if she had become “mortal".

We only learn two points about the girl in this short prologue; she is curious and she doesn't like surprises. This could develop into an interesting story, especially with the cliffhanger that developed towards the end. Overall, I think you have created a "normal" story that is still missing that certain something to make it radiate through other points and why I should read this and not the one next door. What I like is that because we don't know what is relevant and how it will appear in the story, the whole prologue seems mysterious and has a hint of fog about it, which definitely arouses my curiosity.

I found the pacing a little too fast in places. One point you're talking about a move and in the next section the girl can already talk, so I assume a few years have passed in between, because last time I asked a baby to help me do my tax return, it cried.

I also think you went too quickly from a prologue to a sequel to a chapter with the last paragraph. I think the idea is already there that you want to present, but at the moment it's like an accordion that needs to be pulled apart. I would say for a first draft it already looks like you've put some interesting ideas in there. Since neither you nor the reader knows exactly where it's going, it's hard to form an opinion about what's important here and how it could develop into a story. I'll wait until the first chapter to see where it can lead me.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: On first impression, this is interesting, it definitely caught my attention somewhat at the start and the ending does manage to..pretty much firmly get my attention, but there's a few parts that maybe shouldn't be here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was the dead of night on August twenty-ninth, 2004, when she was born. A beautiful baby girl, who arrived early into this world, the exactly thirty centimetres. Her grandmother showered her first grandchild with gifts and presents and everything she would need for the next few months. Everything was there for her. She had everything she, a toddler, could ever want.

Four years passed, and lots had happened. Her family of three shifted houses four times, every year, and finally settled into a townhouse in the middle of the city. She had a beautiful big room all to herself, her own swing set inside her room, and a gorgeous view of the city from her window.

Once they had made their space in that community, she started noticing her mother's stomach start to get bigger and bigger. She asked her mother once, "Why do you eat so much?"

Her mother laughed and hugged her, telling her there was a surprise.

She hated surprises. The wait, the suspense, it was too much for her, so she asked her mother every day about it. Bugged her mother 'till she was yelled at and told to go up to her room. Her mother seemed moodier by the day. She didn't like it, so that day, she walked out of the house through the back door, and like the toddler she was, got distracted and started chasing one of the cats she had noticed crossing the cross walk.

And within a minute, everything went pitch black.

Hi there, Ellie here!

OK, This would be something that I would be 100% happy to read! Please write more. The ending is very interesting I really enjoyed it. I feel like the story completely go another way then I am expecting it to go. Some thing that seems one way is it going to be completely different. Overall I enjoy it and I look forward to seeing more. It was very short I was able to grab my attention. It was not too long and kept my mind busy.

All of my love! Sending you my love <3 <3 <3 <3

Ellie-Mae

hello! IMK here.

uh I'll organise into glows and grows

GLOWS:
- I love the suspenseful setting
- pretty accurate reproduction of kids say stupid things
- i love the "you're mean I hate you I'm going to run away but not run away" attitude, and you portrayed it perfectly.
- All the capitalization is perfect!
- I too, hate surprises so i resonated with that.
- The final line is c h i l l i n g



GROWS:

[grammatical]:
- and lots happened --> and lots had happened

- Bugged her mother till she was yelled at--> She bugged her mother 'till she was yelled at,

- She didn't like it, so she walked out of the house that day she got yelled at and pranced out onto the streets --> She didn't like it, so that day when she was yelled at, she pranced out the door and onto the streets,

[writing-wise]:
- It was August 29th, 2004, the dead of night when she was born --> It was the dead hours of the night on August twenty-ninth, 2004, when she was born.

- who arrived early into this world, the size of her father's palm. - I'm pretty sure no matter how early you are, you're at least bigger than your dad's hand, because with that size she probably would have grown up with some lasting conditions.

- I think you could replace some of the instances of "she" with things like "the girl"



All in all, I really loved the prologue(?), and am looking forward to more.

-IMK