i liked the first stanza but the last stanza seemed tired with so many mentions to unlocking sort of things. it was like yeah i get it are you done yet.
Deep within the corner of your mind,
Scattered amongst childhood memories,
Hidden behind useless knowledge,
Alongside your greatest fears,
Fitted around wishes and dreams,
Is a secret.
A secret, so carefully tucked away.
You possess the lock’s only key,
And know the single combination.
You alone can crack the code,
Whisper the unknown password,
And unleash what remains disguised,
Deep within the corner of your mind.
(My first attempt at poetry without rhyme!)
i liked the first stanza but the last stanza seemed tired with so many mentions to unlocking sort of things. it was like yeah i get it are you done yet.
spruce up the language. Still, it was pure in its....hmmm...write for a couple years, look at it, and you'll know what I mean. Pure means that you mean it. Later, you may find yourself writing completely arbitrary poetry that sounds nice, that is the opposite of pure. I don't know what I'm saying. blerb. So, yeah, play with the language; it's an incredible tool.
Totally cliche and overdone by a million other aspiring "poets". But, it's better than your last, and I can see improvement. Keep going and hopefully one day you'll find your own twist on over-used topics enough to write true poems that I'll be able to congratulate you on.
Overall, not bad.
[quote]A secret, so carefully tucked away.[quote]
I don't think this needs to stand on its own. I think you should add it to the last stanza, so it reads:
A secret,
So carefully tucked away.
I don't like the repitition of the first line at the end. Although it kind of works here. Perhaps you could word it differently at the bottom. Or top, whichever you prefer. Like maybe you could end it with "Within the darkest depths of your mind."
I liked it. Short and sweet. Keep writing! :thumb:
120,360 Literary Works • 649,582 Reviews
Points: 890
Reviews: 73
Donate