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Young Writers Society



Pocket Change

by LiNdSeYo7


He packed a sack lunch and headed off to a toxic hell
With thoughts of ballet slippers and building blocks buried in the back of his mind.
He spent 3,240 minutes of his existence playing slave to a silver machine
In a dusty nowhere with a man named (fill-in-the-blank) on his right
And a single mother of four empty stomachs on his left.
He collected $360 on Tuesdays
All of which was swallowed whole by a potbellied creature called Debt
Aside from the gristle:
Pension in a handful of lint-covered pennies.

20 odd years at a power plant
Poured quietly down the drain each morning at 6 AM
Only to settle alongside pathetic clumps of Colgate
and putrid bits of after-shave.
He received a bonus in the form of arthritis at age 42
And was left heading home empty hearted
With thoughts of ballet slippers and building blocks buried in the back of his mind.
Society said he lived a blue collared life
but he never saw a color other than Corporate Green.

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461 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 461

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Mon Nov 19, 2007 10:40 am
GingerLizzy wrote a review...



Okay, I scanned over this but I didn't really read it properly, so don't take my review to heart because I admit; I haven't reviewed it properly.

I dislike the structure because to me, it's just one big clump and my brain can't be dealing with that. This is just personal preference, so I suppose you could just ignore that little rant.

I liked the imagery and emotion, but feel as though the flow could be improved to make it seem more poetic and less like a descriptive piece.

Hope this half-hearted attempt of a review helped,
GingerLove




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57 Reviews

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Sun Nov 18, 2007 6:13 pm
LiNdSeYo7 says...



Thank you so much! I had never even looked at it from that point of view, ha.




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3821 Reviews

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Sun Nov 18, 2007 6:52 am
Snoink wrote a review...



Ooooh! I like this! I like this a lot.

There's only one thing that really bugs me. "Tuesday’s" should be "Tuesdays" without the apostrophes.

But I really like it... just the way it was executed and it sounds mad and bitter without being angsty, and it's just so... reminiscent of casinos and the lonely people in there that it's just pretty amazing. :)





This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.
— Winston Churchill