Published April 3, 2005
Little girl, why must you leave?
You’re far too young, Far too naïve.
Listen as I beg and plead,
Little girl, just stay with me!
Little girl, you need not go,
Too much do you not yet know,
Please don’t turn away just yet,
Running you will soon regret.
Little girl, please come back quick,
With worry I’m extremely sick!
It’s not too late, I can forgive,
You’re killing me - Please let me live!
Little girl, did you not hear?
I need you close, I want you near!
I’m so afraid, I’m all alone,
My little girl has gone, I’ve grown.
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Canary word: Present
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
It was okay, but I found it lacking in . . .
I dunno. Something.
I normally do not like these kinds of poems, but this one was good. The rhyming was great, simple and not forced. It just flowed ~~~~
I think you should perhaps put a little more description in there, perhaps go into a little more of what the girl is doing. Perhaps something about her looking up at the speaker, her eyes filled with ____ and perhaps saying something. Other than that, this was simple and nice. Very pretty.
i was a bit surrised with the emergence of the lats line
although i still liked the poem.
I agree. While the idea behind this was excellent, there needs to be a progression showing that the little girl being spoken about is the inner child (at least I think that's what it was...). The last line is nice, but a bit sudden: try to lead up to it.
Also, I definetly agree with Liz and the exclamation points. One, maybe two. Anything else is entirely too much.
However, this was a very good beginning. Keep up the work.
Take out the exclamation marks. One is okay but more than that and the poem starts to feel like a bit of a joke. I didn't like the rhyme. It was far too strict for the point you were trying to get across. You seemed to slip into cliches which I know is an easy thing to do, but try and break out of the habit. Read it and mark out all the cliches. You'll find one on pretty much every line!
Although I liked the idea, the execution needs a bit of work.
honestly. all i can think of with those two lines is child molestation.
this is phrased relatively awkwardly. unfortunately, i cant think of a more elegant way to say the same thing.
nice twist to the ending. however, i'm not so certain that it should be such a twist. i think there should be some indicator that the persona is growing over the course of the piece, instead of the last line, when they're already done doing so. it comes out of the blue, and when that can be really fun in some pieces, doesnt work particularly well in here.
reading "plea" is like tripping. change it to plead. that may not be as close a rhyme as you would like, but it's still pretty darn close.
otherwise, the whole thing was quite nice. surprisingly eloquent for a contemporary rhyming piece. good job with managing the meter and all that.[/quote]
Didn't even realize this title was so similar to something else I wrote.. Lol.