E - Everyone

Modern Witches of Toronto-Story 1: Laplace's Demon(Edited version)

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(This is a new format of story I want to try out! This story will be a series of short stories featuring the same characters with some overlapping plot, and some just for fun stories, hope you enjoy.)

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“Come on, Lace, this shouldn’t take this long,” the drawling voice of my best friend, Silvie interrupted my focus again.

“Easy for you to say,” I grumbled, lowering my arms from their upraised position to glare at the girl. “You already have your familiar!”

I really did not enjoy Silvie's comments, considering the fact that the ritual I was attempting was one-shot-only and complicated, I thought I could get a little more credit for my work. Familiars, and the familiar ritual, were integral parts of being a witch. Ever since ancient times when magic was widespread, witches had used their familiars as helpers and companions. Even now, in the 21st century when magic was so rare witches could be seen as an endangered species if the normal population knew about us, you weren't seen as a proper witch until you summoned one. 

“Having already summoned Shy has nothing to do with this,” Silvie argued, waving a hand in the air and shutting one of her eyes. Silvie was tiny and petite, she looked at least a year or two younger than her sixteen years, with her strawberry blonde hair cut into an impish bob that was short at the back and long at the front. Her eyes were a shade between violet and light blue that always prompted random strangers to ask her if they were contacts. Silvie sighed, kicking her legs in the empty space below the table she was sitting on, “And anyway, summoning Shy didn’t take half this long and I was thirteen. Pick up the pace. Percy and the others are waiting upstairs for us so we can finally celebrate the summoning of your very own familiar.” Her cocky smirk did nothing for my frayed nerves.

Shy(full name: Cheshire) sighed from where he was seated on the table next to Silvie, playing some game on Silvie's phone. “Yeah, I want you to hurry up too. The WiFi down here in the basement is terrible. I want to get back upstairs.” I repressed the urge to glare at Silvie’s pain-in-the-neck cait sith familiar. Glaring daggers at Shy wouldn’t change his personality, nothing short of a lobotomy that worked on cat-fae would. 

Evidently I didn’t do as good a job at suppressing the urge as I would have like because Shy made direct eye contact with me and smirked. I ground my teeth as I attempted to rein back in my emotions. Shy enjoyed others' discomfort far too much. Though, I didn’t know why I expected better. He was, after all, a cat, even if he didn’t always look it physically.

Shy didn't look like a cat at the moment, which was only because he somehow could shapeshift even though powers like that were typically reserved for illusionist fae not ex-members of the Wild Hunt like Shy. Instead of the four paws, ears, and a tail that cats typically were the owners of, he was human shaped, two legs, two arms, and no tail. His shaggy black hair and a single shock of white flopping into his too-bright yellow eyes were the only things that remained from his feline form. His black shirt and cargo pants were probably Percy's that he stole, but Percy was too nice to force him to give back.

"Why are you even down here in the first place, Shy?" I snapped. "If this is such a pain, you can always leave." Actually, it would be nice if he did leave. Maybe then I would get some peace. 

He opened his mouth to reply, but Silvie smacked a hand over it. She wagged her finger at me with a disapproving look. “Ah, ah, no more talking. I know you’re trying to stall, Lace. Get on with it. What’s the worst that could happen, anyway?”

I could summon a slug to be my familiar. Not even a magical slug, but a plain ol- slug slug, that would be the worst that could happen. Summoning a familiar like that would really make my father, the head of the powerful Le Fey clan, proud. I could already hear him lecturing me about the proper use of my magic as the only Le Fey heir. Not something I wanted. A minor headache bloomed behind my eyes and I massaged my temples to try and work it away. 

Was it any wonder that under pressure like that I waited three years past when a normal witch summoned their familiar to attempt to get my own? Even though I knew my magical power was strong enough to not just support a fae familiar like Shy living in this world, but even a demon or an angel familiar, I was still terrified of the prospect. Nerves were zinging through me like demeneted squirrels in a nut famine. I felt jittery, like the time I had accidentally tried a sip of Peter’s coffee and was literally bouncing off the walls for hours. I was probably shaking with the sheer force of my nerves.

Never in all of my sixteen years of living had I ever done something as nerve-wracking as this. Summoning a familiar could make or break a witch. Depending on what you called could define the rest of your life! Or even past that! If I messed up here, I would never be able to live down the shame. My father would disown me, my legacy would die out, I could be stuck working some honorless magic job, my friends would kick me out(okay probably not, but still). My life would severely suck stinkweed if this went wrong.

“LAPLACE LE FEY!” Silvie roared, causing my already tense nerves to snap. I jumped at least a foot in the air and landed heavily, tipping over onto the pentagram I spent over an hour carefully drawing.

“What is it, Silvie?” I glared at her, propping myself up on my arms and ignoring the dull twinge of pain in my shoulder. Dang it, why was today not going well? With the way my luck was going, I would be stuck with a familiar even more annoying than Shy was.

“I called you at least five times, dream-girl. You need to get your head out of the clouds and actually summon this thing,” Silvie was glaring at me now. That was not something I needed. Though Silvie looked cute, she had the kind of ferocity that would make a vampire in the throes of bloodlust cry uncle and run for their lives.

“Alright, alright,” I grumbled. I did not want Silvie mad at me on top of all the rest of the crap I was dealing with. I would have to summon my familiar eventually and it might as well be sooner rather than later.

I got back to my feet, triple checked to make sure the pentagram was still okay, and then got ready to cast.

Summoning familiars was relatively easy in preparation. All you needed was a pentagram, magic enhancing devices, and words of power that were unique to the caster. I had all of the above, plus my blood line as one of the original great magic families, and yet I was still terrified. Where was the fairness in that? I wasn't afraid for the preparation, I was afraid for the execution, where everything could go as smoothly as a summer breeze or crash and burn like colliding supernovas.

I soothed my nerves by running my hands through my straight black hair, checking for non-existent knots to untangle. My stick straight, ink-black hair had been passed down through the years from the first Le Fey, Morgana, and I was always proud to have it. But right now, it served as far too much of a reminder of all I had to lose if I messed this up.

I took a calming breath, stepped into the middle of the pentagram, and raised my arms. I called up my magic, for real this time. I felt the elemental magic resting deep within me start to bubble up like a spring through rocks.

It poured from me in waves and swirled into the empty air around me. My hair began to blow around me from the wind stirring, the temperature in the room shot down and rose again in rapid succession. I focused and began speaking the words to summon my familiar.

“I call to you, the four cardinal elements of the world. Blazing fire, rushing water, swirling air, and quaking earth, you who have existed since time itself. Go forth from this plane and fill the cracks between. Through the void you shall cross, no barrier shall escape you, for you are everywhere and everything. The one you shall seek shall be my familiar, and shall not be able to hide from your might. I am Laplace Le Fey of the Le Fey dynasty, commander of the cardinal elements, descendant of Morgana, and this is my wish and your command!”

The wind around me rapidly picked up in intensity, swirling around me like a mini-tornado. I forced my eyes shut and focused on pouring as much power as I could into the spell. Sweat prickled the bare skin of my arms and goosebumps sprang up on the back of my neck. I felt something in the midst of my power. A flicker of a solid presence deep within the blackness of the spell. Without even thinking twice, I sent my power towards that unknown presence. It wrapped around it and coaxed it gently towards me.

But, in the middle of that summoning, a dark shape suddenly intercepted my power, shoving that other presence out of the way and burrowing into my power itself. I gasped and my concentration snapped.

The heat in the room shot up and, all of a sudden, the wind around me exploded. I was sent flying off of my feet into the wall behind me with a teeth-jarring thud. I gasped as pain rocked me, a dull thump of it. I slid to the floor with a wince. The heat in the room wasn’t dying down and I felt sweat drip down my face. I forced open my eyes in time to see thick black smoke pouring from the pentagram and swirling counter-clockwise upward. That...wasn't good. Counter-clockwise was a movement used in black magic, the familiar spell was supposed to be grey magic at its worst.

The smoke continued to rise upward, swirling faster and faster until it suddenly blew apart. I covered my face with my hand as the sickly-sweet smell of burning invaded my nose and mouth. I gagged and forced my hand down to see what had happened.

In all my research into the familiar ritual, I had never come across anything like that before. What was that presence that was forced away? And what had come in its place? Panic was rising within me, this was crazy. I knew today was going to be bad, but this was worst than my greatest fears.

“What in the name of Hecate?” I heard Silvie mutter, but her voice was so far away it felt like she was talking to me through a tunnel.

“I think something went wrong,” Shy replied gruffly, his voice sounded more feral than normal. Out of the corner of my eye I could see a flash of metal that must have meant Shy had materialized his scythe.

Something went wrong? No, that couldn't happen. I couldn't have failed. But...did I fail? I knew something had happened, but it might not have been a fail. I had to hold onto that hope or I might just fall apart. This was my one and only chance to summon a familiar and I may have blown it. I did not want to contemplate that, I was Laplace Le Fey, and I was not taken down that easily.

I focused on the thing in the center of the pentagram. At first I didn’t know what it was, all I could gather was that it was dark gold, black, and white. And then the thing stood up and I realized what it had been doing. The humanoid figure had been kneeling. Now at full height, I got my first look at the being that would be my familiar. It was a humanoid familiar, and a male, with a tall, lean body, dirty gold hair that was short on the back and sides and long on top that fell into his downcast eyes. His skin was dark, the color of milk chocolate. He was wearing a black leather jacket, white shirt, dark jeans, biking boots, and a chain on his waist. So whatever he was(angel? fae?) he was up-to-date on current fashion. That was interesting, to say the least. 

Nothing on his person suggested what his species might be until he lifted his head and Silvie, Shy, and I all sucked in identical breaths at once.

Shining blood-red eyes with vertically slitted pupils, pointed ears with bone and gem piercings, and a single small, twisting, ivory horn sitting in the middle of his forehead.

I hadn’t summoned an angel, or a fae. I had summoned a demon.

“Holy king of cats,” Shy whispered, summing up my thoughts exactly. 

I had summoned a demon. The most dangerous, most powerful species of otherworldly creature out there. The rarest of all the familiars, and the one most likely to kill their master if they displeased them. 

Oh, great Morgana, what had I done?

“Which one of you is my master?” the demon asked in a smooth voice the texture of velvet(I would have thought it was a cliche if it didn’t fit him so well). “I have been summoned here to serve one of you. I know it is not you, cheshire,” his red gaze met Shy’s yellow one and Shy gulped. “So, which of you is my master,” his heavy gaze fell upon Silvie and me and I understood why Shy had gulped. His gaze spoke of thousands of years of experience and unknown horrors. This demon, he wasn’t your average demon, he was something else entirely. I had no idea what type of demon he was, but he was stronger. Maybe even stronger than Shy and his soul-scythe.

Shy adjusted his grip on his red and black nightmarish scythe of horrors and Silvie’s eyes shot to my own. I saw the conflict in them. She wanted to know I was okay with this. That I could handle being the witch with a demon familiar. I floundered for only a second, and then my resolve strengthened.

I nodded, once. Demons were powerful, on par with angels in terms of pure power, but they were also willful(I.E killing of masters that displeased them). It was not ideal, but I would take it. This demon was mine now, and I would treat him the same had he been an angel. Besides, I was the first in my family since Morgana to summon a demon for a familiar, my father would be so proud.

With a sardonic twist of my lips, I got my feet underneath me, and stood up. “I am your master,” I said with confidence I didn’t quite feel just yet. The demon turned his gaze back to me and I was prepared to be slammed with his gaze again, but this time it was softer, gentler, more like a caress than the previous strike.

“I see,” even his voice was less hard. “I am Mateo,” he pronounced it ‘mah-tay-o’ “and I will be your loyal servant as long as we both draw breath,” he crossed one arm over his chest and bowed.

The old-timey action momentarily stole my breath. Of all the things I thought he would do, that was not one of them. I thought demons were supposed to be jerks, he...was not. The demon, Mateo, rose in one swift movement that spoke of years of training. “Now that you know my name, might I inquire about your name?”

A jolt of surprise rocked me before I could answer. He was so polite! It was at odds with what I knew of demons, but I definitely wasn’t complaining. He accepted I was his master fast, that was a good thing. I knew Silvie had had to fight Shy into submission before he accepted her and I did not want to do that. Fighting had never been my strong suit, that was why I wanted a familiar suited to combat, to balance my own weakness. “My-my name is Laplace Le Fey,” I answered upon seeing that he was still waiting for an answer.

“Le Fey?” Mateo muttered quietly to himself. I knew I wasn’t supposed to hear, but I had better hearing than a lot of humans(it came from my elemental powers). Why did he sound so surprised? It was like he knew who the Le Feys were. The worlds the familiars came from were separate from our own, there was no reason for him to know who my lineage was.

“We call her Lace,” Silvie interrupted, sounding herself again. I glanced at her, she still looked shaken, but her voice was strong.

“Well, then, Laplace Le Fey,” his voice was louder now that he was addressing all of us, "It is a true pleasure to meet you."

“Likewise,” I returned with a small nod.

And that was how I met my demon. 

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
QuoolQuo
Comment

Much better this time! The information is a lot more spread out making it a smoother read with plenty of opportunities to build off it naturally.
Good luck with your writing journey!

- H.G

User avatar
QuoolQuo
Review

Ahoy hoy

This is an interesting little story you've written here and the concept of an over arching plot told through multiple short stories is something that sounds fun to explore, and from this story its clear that you have a vivid imagination. So, without further ado, here are some general comments;

1. I thought I should just this out of the way and say that it would be better if you put in a clearer divide between your notes as the author and the actual story. This can easily be done by simply leaving perhaps a line of dots such as this,

...............

to show that you've begun the story. (I do this myself in my own works. Hehe, look at me shamelessly self advertising)

2. As I read this I made a note of the lines that stood out most to me as being awkward or confusing so here we go;

red-blonde girl.


red-blonde sounds odd (or at least to me) it might be better to reword it for example as
red-tinted blonde haired girl.


I know its longer but I've never really heard the previous expression.

Was it any wonder that under pressure like that it took me three years past when most witches summoned their familiar to even attempt to summon mine?


At first when I read this I couldn't exactly point out what made it awkward to read but looking back this can be easy fix and made more understandable by simply taking out the 'past'. This works for the first half of the sentence but then the second half gets muddle again.
I'm horrible at explaining things so here's an example of how I'd rewrite, if that helps.

Was it any wonder that under pressure like that it took me three years to even attempt to summon mine when most witches had already summoned their familiars.



A complicated ritual I was attempting where my focus was shot.


the concept that you needed a ritual to summon a familiar sort of came out of nowhere which made the beginning of this sentence confusing after the whole explanatory paragraph. It also, when read, feels kind of wrong. I'm not an expert on grammar (i can barely use it myself) but I feel 'A' is the wrong word to start it with and 'The' would work much better, or possibly even 'This'.
As I said, I'm not an expert and I can't offer much advice. Sorry :(

Percy, Luka, Adrian, and Antony are waiting upstairs for us so we celebrate.


As this is dialogue, it would probably feel more natural if the names were grouped together (oh, and I think you missed a 'can' in there), e.g:

Percy and the others are waiting upstairs for us so we can celebrate


Also, we never really learn what they're celebrating, maybe a little more elaboration?

“What is it, Silvie?” I asked, propping myself up on my arms and ignoring the dull twinge of pain in my shoulder. I thought my tone was perfectly acceptable for what Silvie had just done to me.


After the piece of dialogue you never specify her tone of voice so the reader doesn't really know how its any different to how Lace normally talks.

that would make a vampire in the throes of bloodlust cry uncle and run for their lives.


Did you mean "Mummy" instead of "uncle"? this is probably from my own experience with the phrase so not really a big issue, I just noticed it.

I forced open my eyes in time to see thick black smoke pouring from the pentagram and swirling counter-clockwise upward.


Again, this isn't really an issue, I've just never read the specified direction smoke is swirling before so it stood out to me.

“Lady Lace,” Mateo said, louder so that it was to us


This sentence feels a bit awkward, mainly the 'louder so that it was to us' part. Here's an example of how it could possibly be reworded;

"Lady Lace," Mateo said, his voice now louder as he addressed us.



3. Now that all that stuff is out of the way lets discuss the story.
- The story itself felt incomplete but as you plan to expand on this universe, I'll let this go.
- There was a lot of exposition.
It's an interesting concept you've thought up here with the different types of familiars but the way you present it makes it all feel a little to close to Pokemon. If executed well, this idea of familiars who gravitate towards a certain variety of skills would be a cool thing to read but at the moment it sounds to much like your describing the rules of a fighting game where different players have different moves. I'm not sure if you were intentionally aiming for this but I'd personally try to veer a bit away from this. Your explanation of the rules of this world also come in large dumps of information, not allowing for that much else. If this is going to be an ongoing series it couldn't hurt to spread most of this information out and interweave it into the story when necessary.
- I have a similar quibble when it comes to the character descriptions.
With describing Lace, there isn't much; for Silvie, probably the right amount; the two familiars though, I think you've gone a bit overboard. However, since Mateo is being introduced, I'm gonna let him slide as he is a new character who would need describing with an entrance as dramatic as that, though you still go quite in depth. With Shy, alas, like the exposition it all comes in one big dump which would be a lot more effective if spaced out when writing their actions dialogue.
- Always remember Show don't Tell, which is part of why I think you need to space out the info dumps. A lot is told about the world and the characters and not a lot is shown, showing generally being the golden rule for writers everywhere (I swear, there is no escape from this piece of advice). The reason for this is that readers don't tend to like having chunks of information thrown at them and it often will make them lose interest, no matter how vital that information is.
If your having trouble understanding what I mean, here's a little writing activity that might help. If you can describe a wedding without ever directly saying its a wedding then you've shown, not told and deserve a thumbs up.
- To go to the other end of the spectrum, some vital information is left out leaving the story feel ungrounded. What I mean by this is that a setting is never established clearly, I think its in modern day but I can't be sure. This is where you should perhaps describe the location the characters are in as this more often than not adds a lot of context to the world of a story rather than explaining the the world's rules.
- As final note to top this off, your characters, particularly Lace, need a clearer personality to define them as rounded characters. I couldn't help feeling the details of who Lace was were all a bit vague and generic. So, she's confident (or at least tries to project it) but while performing the ritual she was nervous, why? She dislikes Shy and that's about all i understand of her. Writing three-dimensional characters is tricky and I can't exactly boast but I felt that you may need some more distinguishing aspects to define Lace more and exemplify these to make her someone a reader can remember.


To summarise all that in short; spread out exposition and character appearances, show don't tell and fill in the gaps for setting and personalities.

In conclusion, good luck on your series of short stories, I'll definitely keep an eye out for them! Please don't take any of my criticism to heart as we're all young writers here (I guess that's we formed a society) and I hope you keep writing.
Feel free to talk to me if you need any advice or another review and rest easy in the fact that you have the honour of receiving the longest review I've ever written.

Have a good day!
- H.G

Thanks for your review, I struggle a lot with showing and not telling and my info dumps, so I'll try and fix that! You've given me a lot to work with, so thank you!

User avatar
Dragonthorn
Review

Greetings fellow writer, I'm Thorn, and I'll be reviewing for you today.

I believe that needing to say the full name after introducing them shouldn't happen. If you write the character in with enough detail to cover the basics like name, you wouldn't need to make it an info dump like you did there. Most writers can adapt their characters to whatever setting they made, so doing so would make your writing better on another level of creativity and original thinking.

---->"Silvie(full name: Silvia of Arc) interrupted my focus again."
->Exactly my point.

Here's another thing about this.

---->"Shy, being a cheshire cat, on top of being able to become invisible and teleport, also had minor shapeshifting powers. "

This reads as fanfic with Mary Sues and I doubt that's what you wanted. From a first glance over, I imagined this as a teenager's little mix of Harry Potter and some other fandoms, so that isn't considered a good thing. People should be inspired by your works, not shrugging it off as a joke.

Onto the format,

It's big and harder to read because of how thoughts mix up. A paragraph should be done in a neat fashion, but this is just crazy with how many ideas you fit in. Then some areas are tiny and not detailed enough. It's not consistent.

Ask if anything is confusing.

Catch you later.

I didn't really mean for it to come across as a fanfic, I wanted to write about witches and their familiars and I like the cheshire cat so I wanted to use it as a species. Thanks for your review, I'll try and make it better!



“I'd much rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea.”
— Carrie Bradshaw