Pulled into the Night
Death is coming soon I fear,
I can hear its voice ringing in my ear.
It's ripping and tearing at my soul,
Telling me to give it to them whole.
Every single time I try to fight,
I get pulled further into the night.
My mind is so overcome with fright,
I wish God would show me the light.
I don't know if my soul can take anymore,
It's funny how death knocks at your door.
People might try to tell you that you'll be fine,
But you know when you've had your last sip of wine.
I feel my soul start to tear and shred,
I feel it escaping through my head.
Death has finally won its fight,
It's pulled me eternally into the night.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Yes "Telling me to give it to them whole" was intentional. Meaning I was being told to give my soul whole
I liked this, for the most part. I was a little confused by the jump from Death being a single entity to a plural:
So yeah, dont know if that was intentional.
Lexismom--
Welcome to the Young Writers Society! I hope your experiences here will help you become a better writer.
For this reader, your style is the main contention: a rhyme scheme involving death.
The poem uses a camera action of leaping endlessly in and out of the action which is Stop-Go, Stop-Go, which may be fun for someone, but onesided fun.
Honestly, there is nothing going on here and not even this remarkable device may conceal it.
I suggest you ask yourself what it is you're trying to tell us before speaking.
All the best,
Brad
Since this is a poem, I'll move it to Other Poetry for now. If you want it somewhere else please tell me. *moved*