Hm. This was an assignment for my English class. We had to write a poem either about Freedom, or Imprisonment. I chose imprisonment.. I haven't edited it for a while.. Since atleast november. My friend told me to pull it up. I did. So here it goes:
It's been endless for her, surrounded by the same landscape for so long.
Dead, grey grass and breathless trees with crippled branches.
Oh, how the count of lost souls will increase by the minute.
Children, they are so little, with their bent intentions.
It isn't hard to get lost in the perfect abyss at such a young age.
The lake, she's seen her reflection far too often.
She sees the same face, the one she's looked in the eye many times before.
Her tears feel so foreign to her face, her thoughts overtaking everything she is, or was.
She is free to wander, to see and to breathe.
Yet, the same thing, keeps holding her back.
Her thoughts of broken wings and phantasms with the shame of being alone,
contemplates her being there in the first place.
One so fragile and innocent shouldn't be put through this.
For her, it's the outside looking in.
The familiar faces of family are nothing to her, they don't mean a thing.
She is so consumed in the pain of being restrained by something as transparent as glass.
That the broken wings fixated by her dreams have lost their hold.
She is slowly falling in to the arms of insanity in this wretched place.
It's not something she'd like to call home.
It's not a pretty, and it certainly isn't a jubilant place to be.
More like a trap or a prison, set on display for the entire world to see, high above the clouds, and high above anyones reality.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I liked parts of this and disliked other parts. It kind of felt as though you wrote it one way to begin with, then went over it later and kind of forced meaning into it retrospectively. Or something.
Basically, there are a lot of places where you state things too baldly, repeat yourself and/or tell instead of show. I've gone through and edited these out (rather brutally, I'm afraid - sorry XD) to show you which parts I meant, so you may want to think about remodeling those areas:
It's been endless for her, surrounded by the same landscape for so long.
Dead, grey grass and breathless trees with crippled branches.
[s]Oh, how the count of lost souls will increase by the minute.
Children, they are so little, with their bent intentions.
It isn't hard to get lost in the perfect abyss at such a young age. [/s]
The lake, where she's seen her reflection far too often.
[s]She sees the same face, the one she's looked in the eye many times before. [/s]
Her tears feel so foreign to her face, [s]her thoughts overtaking everything she is, or was. [/s]
She is free to wander, to see and to breathe.
[s]Yet, the same thing, keeps holding her back.
Her thoughts of broken wings and phantasms with the shame of being alone,
contemplates her being there in the first place.
One so fragile and innocent shouldn't be put through this.[/s]
Yet for her, it's the outside looking in.
[s]The familiar faces of family are nothing to her, they don't mean a thing.
She is so consumed in the pain of being[/s] restrained by something as transparent as glass.
This end section here is far too obvious; it would probably work better if you rework it so that the imagery is less cliche and a little subtler somehow.
That the broken wings fixated by her dreams have lost their hold.
She is slowly falling in to the arms of insanity in this wretched place.
It's not something she'd like to call home.
It's not a pretty, and it certainly isn't a jubilant place to be.
More like a trap or a prison, set on display for the entire world to see, high above the clouds, and high above anyones reality.
Overall I liked a lot of the imagery you used and the tone was well sustained. Just need to work on the subtlety a little XD
Happy editing!
Cheers,
~bubbles