Published December 15, 2010
I think this one kind of looses its touch after the sixth or seventh stanzas so if you have any tips then PLEASE help!!
BTW you can check out my blog at any time after the twentieth of December 2010, coz I've got to fix it up alot.
The address will be starsofdarkness@blogspot.com feel free to visit at any time!
Anyway, enough talk, on with the poem...
*****************************************************************************************************************************************************
The Girl with Empty Eyes
She was sitting on her garden fence,
The first time that I saw her
It was where she always sat
Although I don't remember ever seeing her before
I saw her from my bedroom
Through the misted glass
I saw her on a clear day
Though I'm sure the fog was thick
Then she looked right at me
And my eyes went all the way through
Hers were hollow and unseeing
I could see whole worlds inside her
But when she spoke
Her voice, it reached me through the glass
It was high, sweet wind chimes
But with undertones of brass
She said to me;
"Never fear the darkness, only dread the light.
"Watch out for the night birds, for they speak of untold lies.
She paused to help a passig dream, sent it on its way, then continued with her speech:
"Your time will come, as come it must,
"But swiftly, on the wind,
"I feel a great betrayal
" And a suffering of souls."
Many years have passed since then
I've grown old and weary,
But every day I think of her:
The girl with empty eyes...
On that day, I do recall,
I was sitting in my room,
When, quite abrupt, she came to me,
A figure in the gloom.
Now I knew what she foretold
All those years ago.
And then she came upon me
As I tried to avoid her eyes.
The worlds inside her eyes were different,
Changing all the time,
But suddenly they stopped(?paused?)
And started to expand...
So, here I soar,
A watcher in the wind
Living out my ephemeral life gazing down
Upon an inexhaustible feild of purple grass.
So now I know
What she foresaw
On that strange,
Memorable day.
When I swore my unbreakable oath
To that nymph of illusion,
To Her,
The girl with empty eyes.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,365 Literary Works • 674,382 Reviews
Rhythm feels off in places, a few grammatical errors, and just a kind of redundant poem. Her eyes are empty, but you can see worlds inside them? Uh, what?
Also, Stars of Darkness? What on God's green earth does it even mean?
the mystery holds me in supense! i like the discrition to the girl with the empty eyes it's really good i like the discription in the poem too and re-cap of the past and the future it's really good!!!! to improve i would say add the detail to the places around you like the wind blew ruffly as she spoke her words, or something like that.
wow i really like this poem the rhyming scheme of it kept me reading through and made it flow very nicely. i really it keep writing i cant wait to see more
Soz, if anybody's interested AT ALL, the blog address is actually L3xi-starsofdarkness.blogspot.com it's nothing fancy, just MORE of my poems. (yes, yes, i know. Now settle down)