The white ground spread out flat and blank in every direction. The sky above, a light and almost as white grey dome loomed over, shrouded in foggy clouds.
At some point in the distant horizon, the city rose. Hundreds of towers divided by hundreds of streets rose so high they almost broke through the clouds, and boasted the greatest heights in the land. Each one was dark and featureless, the dark metal being the sole colour of the metropolis, at least until recently. Banners, flags and posters of rich blue were plastered and hung on every railing, walkway and surface, scrawled with bold and excited text in celebration of something. But the streets and balconies were wholly empty of people to celebrate it.
Then, at some point rumblings sounded and shook all of the great buildings of the city. From behind all of the unseeable corners of the countless structures, the goliaths emerged. Nearly reaching the heights of the buildings their mechanical limbs creaked and lumbered past, and their eyes glowed yellow as they stared straight ahead. Hundreds of them, there must have been. The same blue decorating the buildings found itself in stripes lining the mechanical bodies of each of the giants as a thin uniform. And as they marched down each street adorned with colour, the unanimous message on each banner and flag could be seen in between their swaying limbs:
“Victory!”
The white ground spread out flat and blank in every direction. The sky above, a light and almost as white grey dome loomed over, shrouded in foggy clouds.
At some point in the distant horizon, the city rose. Hundreds of towers divided by hundreds of streets rose so high they almost broke through the clouds, and boasted the greatest heights in the land. Each one was dark and featureless, the dark metal being the sole colour of the metropolis, at least until recently. Banners, flags and posters of deep green were plastered and hung on every railing, walkway and surface, scrawled with bold and excited text in celebration of something. But the streets and balconies were wholly empty of people to celebrate it.
Then, at some point rumblings sounded and shook all of the great buildings of the city. From behind all of the unseeable corners of the countless structures, the goliaths emerged. Nearly reaching the heights of the buildings their mechanical limbs creaked and lumbered past, and their eyes glowed orange as they stared straight ahead. Hundreds of them, there must have been. The same green decorating the buildings found itself in stripes lining the mechanical bodies of each of the giants as a thin uniform. And as they marched down each street adorned with colour, the unanimous message on each banner and flag could be seen in between their swaying limbs:
“Triumph!”
The white ground spread out flat and blank in every direction. The sky above, a light and almost as white grey dome loomed over, shrouded in foggy clouds.
At some point in the distant horizon, the city rose. Thousands of towers divided by innumerable streets rose so high they broke through the clouds, boasting the greatest heights in the land. Each one was dark and featureless, the dark metal being the sole colour of the metropolis, at least until recently. Banners, flags and posters of vibrant red were plastered and hung on every railing, walkway and surface, scrawled with bold and excited text in celebration of something. But the streets and balconies were wholly empty of people to celebrate it.
Then, at some point rumblings sounded and shook all of the great buildings of the city. From behind all of the unseeable corners of the countless structures, the goliaths emerged. Nearly reaching the heights of the buildings their mechanical limbs creaked and lumbered past, and their eyes glowed white as they stared straight ahead. Thousands of them, there must have been. The same red decorating the buildings found itself in stripes lining the mechanical bodies of each of the giants as a thin uniform. And as they marched down each street adorned with colour, the unanimous message on each banner and flag could be seen in between their swaying limbs:
“Glory!”
In the placid air of the world, the metal soles of the blue machine-giants stomped and quaked it. The legions-worth of them spread out to the foggy horizon and spread back to the same measure. All their metal eyes gazed forward in the direction of the distance, with nothing but the objection of victory.
Then a rumbling shook the ground of the army’s path, a noise much like the one they themselves made but with a power tenfold. Their robotic helms looked up and around as far as they could, and saw nothing. Then, up above higher than they could ever see a great shadow darkened the clouds before taking on a more physical appearance. A gargantuan mass of steel a legions-worth in size veered down and shattered the ground. It landed on roughly one half of the blue machines, and when it lifted itself up again they were one with the ground, pressed flat into the surface. The blue soldiers were barely able to get up before more and more masses of metal thundered down before rising up again. The green blocks first crushed a quarter, then a third and then the entirety of the remaining machines. And as the feet-like monstrosities rose up into the fog for the last time, the dying eyes of the goliaths saw their dark hint of green
In the placid air of the world, the metal soles of the red machine-giants stomped and quaked it. The legions-worth of them spread out to the foggy horizon and spread back the same measure. All their metal eyes gazed forward in the direction of the distance, with nothing but the objection of Glory.
Then a rumbling shook the ground of the army’s path, a noise much like the one they themselves made, but with a fraction of their power and barely noticeable. If the goliaths were to turn their eyes downward dots of dark green could be seen, barely, struggling and running every which way. Soon they became even less visible as the feet of the red machines passed over them and banished them to nonexistence, and kept their great eyes and feet forward in the pursuit of glory.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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It kind of gave me the survival of the fittest vibes. The story is great but you could work on you formatting a bit. As LittleLee said, repeating word for word makes it slightly monotonous. But the idea of the thing overall is great. Do keep writing!
It kind of gave me the survival of the fittest vibes. The story is great but you could work on you formatting a bit. As LittleLee said, repeating word for word makes it slightly monotonous. But the idea of the thing overall is great. Do keep writing!
Hi there, Lewis! I'm over to drop a review.
I really liked reading this short story, for various reasons:
Your grammar is very good, with only one glaring mistake that I could see;
You use a good vocabulary; and,
The story itself is pretty interesting! It was an entertaining twist at the ending, though in the middle there was some confusion.
Now to the things I feel can be changed about the story. Before I begin, I apologize if my review ends up offending or hurting you. I only mean to help.
So, I understand that there are three levels of the same thing, but I think you shouldn't have repeated everything word for word. The description was nice, but I didn't read it again. A slight difference would have been nice.
Also, where are the people? I think that needs a little clarification.
This does not sound right. The second sentence is very poorly constructed and completely confused me before I understood it. Or at least, got the vague sense of what you're trying to say. What do you even mean by a "light and almost as white grey dome"? It makes no sense, and is the glaring mistake I mentioned. Rewrite it, make it longer is you have to, but make it clear to understand.
The last three words are unnecessary. The reader will understand what you mean, so I don't see any need for them.
Same point as before. "As a thin uniform" is not a very good way to describe it. I can't explain very well, but that part made me think twice, and I suggest you remove it.
Quaked what??? You said "stomped and quaked it", but how are they stomping the "placid air"? This line has to be checked.
This seems to be poorly made. How about just "a" instead of "their" and removing "dark"? Also, you missed the full stop here.
Final question? Where is everyone headed? To war? Just needs a little clarification.
Well, that's it. The story was overall pretty good, and I look forward to seeing more from you! Good luck!
-Lee
Thanks for the review. I just kind of wrote this one without rereading or editing anything so when I rework it I will take all this into account.
A review for you!
Okay i really like this, its a great short story with a lot of depth.
The difference in scale for each colour is great.
I really like how instead of using victory every time the word is different but with the same meaning.
Not gonna lie this short story is great, but your right it could use some editing here and there.
For example, "at some point rumblings sounded and shook all of the great buildings of the city" could also be "at some point the ground quaked, the air was filled with a deafening rumble and the buildings of the city shivered as if knowing their fate."
There are certainly other places to improve but overall its great.
Keep it up LewisPencastle2!
Thanks for the read! - @brotherGeo
Thanks, I do hope I can make it better.