The ship rumbled and shuddered as it soared down through the atmosphere. Along with the jumbling and shaking it veered off to the right as a thunderous sound rocketed past the side of the hull. The pilot made more maneuvers, swiftly turning left, up and then almost straight down as more noises screeched by around the ship.
“What was that?” Lithlo asked.
Rimney looked through the window at the line made between the planet’s sky and the black abyss of space, as if trying to measure it. “Nothing we have to worry about now.” He said. No later did he say that did the noises stop and the shuttle's shaky travel stabilize, now descending smoothly to the surface.
The landscape of XB-27 was red and flat, with countless sandy dunes and similarly coloured acid pools. The towers of a Philixine city peaked faintly over the horizon, and the pilot began hesitantly to steer them towards it. Rimney stopped him.
“No, no.” He said. “Touch down right there, on that rock face.”
“Oh. You sure?”
“Yes indeed. We’ll walk the rest of the way.”
The pilot took his eyes off the controls to look at the strange old scientist. “And what am I supposed to do here, exactly?”
Oh, you’ll be waiting here, I’m afraid.”
“I can’t believe for a second the captain approved a mission like this.”
The pilot activated the landing gear and lowered the bulbous cargo ship onto the stony island. The three unbuckled themselves and stepped outside.
In Rimney’s opinion, XB-27 was the reddest planet in the entire Xomox Galaxy. The rocks, when broken open, were scarlet and had the metallic stink of blood, and the crimson sand made sure to cover anything that was of a different colour. The sky too had an orange hue, so dark and thick he was surprised its air was breathable. Though it was likely the laser beams of the Philixine Legions that were the reddest of this planet. Not to mention that their temper and attitude could relate to red in a more symbolic way. It was also the latter that the Vicilians were most familiar with.
“Well, it ain’t too different than it looks from a couple thousand feet above.” Said the pilot. “I’ll go inside and radio the captain, see what his next orders are for-whatever we’re doing here.”
Before he even opened the door however, a blazing ray of heat dug into his back with an electrical screech. He fell backwards in the sand, twitching slightly but overall motionless. Rimney stood behind him with a gun in his hand. It was not a sleek, Vicilian beam revolver however, but instead a brutish, Philixine machine laser. Lithlo screamed and tried to shout something, but in his panicking it was unintelligible. Rimney lifted his gun again and began to fire at the ship. The cockpit window shattered to pieces and flew into the sand, drowning in the grains. Sparks flew as blasts of energy hit the wings and hull, likely shorting out every circuit in the vessel. Even as most of the ship’s exterior became more blackened than white, Rimney kept firing at it as Lithlo regained his intelligence.
“What the hell, Rimney!’ he screamed, before jumping on him to pull him back. “Stop it, stop it !”
Rimney didn’t stop, at least not until all the side of the ship was burnt and battered. Lithlo fell back down in the sand, looking at the dead officer, almost invisible in the sand now, and their unflyable ship.
“What the hell, Rimney?” Lithlo said in a broken voice. “Why’d you… you killed him...”
Rimeny didn’t look back at him, and his expression remained calm and relaxed, perhaps even more so as he talked. “Lithlo, my good assistant, we are here to make sure such a horrid, grisly fate does not befall any noble Vicilian again.”
Lithlo’s confusion beat his distraughtness. “W-what?”
Rimney dropped the bulky Philixine pistol in the sand.
‘Lithlo,” He said. “When Vicilian cruisers circle the air above Gohrual and our bloody conflict has been put to rest, here will only lay a martyr of our people, who after we left on our mission was ambushed by a merciless Philixine patrol. Now get out of the sand and see if you can still open that cargo door and get our message onto a hover transport. We have a war to end.”
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Canary word: Present
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139,661 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Hello, LewisPencastle2, I am here to give you my review. Take it if you want to, with no hard feelings if you don't. After all, I'm no professional, but I still have some experience.
Before we begin, I would just like to say these are simple grammatical errors, meaning everyone makes them. Your story is still awesome despite having them.
So, let's get started.
Along with the jumbling and shaking
This is an introductory phrase, so it needs a comma at the end.
The pilot made more maneuvers, swiftly turning left, up and then almost straight down as more noises screeched by around the ship.
Also needs a comma in between UP and AND.
Rimney looked through the window at the line made between the planet’s sky and the black abyss of space, as if trying to measure it.
There doesn't need to be a comma here, though.
Not to mention that their temper and attitude could relate to red in a more symbolic way.
You could shorten that to just "more symbolically." Unless you're shooting for word length.
“Well, it ain’t too different than it looks from a couple thousand feet above.” Said the pilot.
OF needs to be with "couple."
Before he even opened the door however, a blazing ray of heat dug into his back with an electrical screech.
There needs to be a comma before "however." (most of these errors are just commas, as you probably already guessed)
It was not a sleek, Vicilian beam revolver however, but instead a brutish, Philixine machine laser.
Again, needs a comma before "however."
Other than that, everything seems to be okay, nice on that. You just have to work on your commas, but no problem, I used to put commas EVERYWHERE.
Overall, a good sci-fi.
With caution,
WaterSpout
Thanks, I'm really grateful for any reviews or suggestions I get. The main reason I publish my stuff here is for the useful critiques, so thanks again.
Hello there!
One of my favorite genres is sci-fi with dystopia, war, or rebellion as its topping. Though short, this was gripping. Kudos to you for generating a brand new world!
In generating a new world, however, the writer is compelled to make sure that it is realistic. That throughout reading the story, the reader will vividly picture its environment and understand how it works. I hope this is just the first part of the story because there's still a lot of things that aren't covered: How did the war start or why? Will the two succeed in stopping the war? What's the Gohrual?
Moreover, the relationship of Lithlo and Rimeny is a bit confusing. If Lithlo was Rimeny's assistant then why doesn't he address him respectfully? Or with prefixes such as Mr., Dr., General, Captain? It's rare to find someone that talks to their senior like this:
Now these following critiques are some really minor errors:
The line
This may sound nitpicking but "began hesitantly to steer them towards it" was awkward to read that I had to reread it again. Maybe you could change "the pilot hesitantly approached it," but you don't have to accept this suggestion of course, especially at the expense of your writing style.
Next,
You forgot the quotation mark before "Oh."
Third, please paraphrase the "but in his panicking" to "but out of panic."
This story also reminded me of Machiavelli's "The end justifies the means" because of the concept that sacrificing one will benefit millions. Although I don't agree with the ethics of that, your work is still a fun read. I'd like to know if you have a part 2? Please tag me. Thank you and keep on writing!
Thanks. This is far from the complete story, it's a short story but I just decided to divide it into multiple parts.
Hello,
What I Like
I have to agree with @Tenyo with most things.
Another thing is the speech patterns are very stable. They rarely change and give me hope 'cause people are learning to use commas in the right places. Oof, that makes me so mad when they do that.
Things That Need Some Work
Use of ellipses are common and they kind of draw out the work to a point where it gets a little overused. Mainly in talking, which is normal, but maybe find another way to convey it into the story.
Weave it like a basket, or knit it like a sweater, calmly.
Errors
I think you mean civilians.
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Hi, this Kahlene! I saw that this story was in the Green Room so I thought I'd give you a review!
I really like the story you have here! There are characters with names, there is a setting, and there is a dialogue. These are all a story should have! You also have a great storyline here, which involves DEATH (sounded a bit creepy there, sorry). This story is nicely laid out, it has a context, which I love!
Though thee are some slight problems here... The story dragged just an ounce not much though. My eyes wandered off a bit while reading, I also started to skip a couple of lines. Also, I started to get confused after the first paragraph. I didn't understand what was happening here, so I just went with the dialogue. Also, I don't understand what happened to the officer, I know he died bout how? I also did not know there was a war going on until the end, you should state this earlier on in the story.
This is all I have, for now. This story has great potential! Keep on writing, I would love to read and review more of your works! Have a great day!
Hi, this Kahlene! I saw that this story was in the Green Room so I thought I'd give you a review!
I really like the story you have here! There are characters with names, there is a setting, and there is a dialogue. These are all a story should have! You also have a great storyline here, which involves DEATH (sounded a bit creepy there, sorry). This story is nicely laid out, it has a context, which I love!
Though thee are some slight problems here... The story dragged just an ounce not much though. My eyes wandered off a bit while reading, I also started to skip a couple of lines. Also, I started to get confused after the first paragraph. I didn't understand what was happening here, so I just went with the dialogue. Also, I don't understand what happened to the officer, I know he died bout how? I also did not know there was a war going on until the end, you should state this earlier on in the story.
This is all I have, for now. This story has great potential! Keep on writing, I would love to read and review more of your works! Have a great day!
Hi, this Kahlene! I saw that this story was in the Green Room so I thought I'd give you a review!
I really like the story you have here! There are characters with names, there is a setting, and there is a dialogue. These are all a story should have! You also have a great storyline here, which involves DEATH (sounded a bit creepy there, sorry). This story is nicely laid out, it has a context, which I love!
Though thee are some slight problems here... The story dragged just an ounce not much though. My eyes wandered off a bit while reading, I also started to skip a couple of lines. Also, I started to get confused after the first paragraph. I didn't understand what was happening here, so I just went with the dialogue. Also, I don't understand what happened to the officer, I know he died bout how? I also did not know there was a war going on until the end, you should state this earlier on in the story.
This is all I have, for now. This story has great potential! Keep on writing, I would love to read and review more of your works! Have a great day!
Hey LewisPencastle2!
Your descriptions are fantastic. You use a broad range of vocabulary, and the specificity of the details create such a rich and vivid world. I'm really impressed. From the very beginning I could almost feel the noise ship hurtling towards the planet. Not only did it create that rich environment but it meant that when you jumped into the action there was a very clear visual aspect to it.
You've also done a really good job of establishing the characters and their roles in terms of how they relate to each other. The murder of the pilot, and the responses of the others, tell a lot in a very small space.
This is a really strong introduction and I look forward to seeing what you do with it!