You're weird.
Both wise and oblivious.
Three deviating steps away from
some of most the curious,
Delirious, obsessed,
Fired-up like Mary is.
Which altogether strike me as
statistical significance.
You're weird.
Both tied to the naughty kids and
recreating steps the way
one does when flippin ollies, kid:
Delirious, Obsessed,
wired up like Barry is.
Let's follow feathers like they have
instinctual effectiveness.
when born I was formed
with a thorax of thermite,
The kid to run ‘round
with kids killin off neurons.
Bee-hive for brains,
tunneled like termites.
I followed down their rabbit hole,
they claimed to have foresight
Blackened black in black an' white
is all they saw where I saw light.
Their yackin faith wit lack o rights
derailed my train of thought like freights.
All trapped in the hate with lackin light
attracts the flames ignitin fright.
I fought off pot for my whole life
Until, at seventeen, I tried it.
You're weird.
Both wise and oblivious.
Three deviating steps away from
some of most the curious,
Delirious, obsessed,
Fired-up like Mary is.
Which altogether strike me as
statistical significance.
You're weird.
Both tied to the naughty kids and
recreating steps the way
one does when flippin ollies, kid:
Delirious, Obsessed,
wired up like Barry is.
Let's follow feathers like they have
instinctual effectiveness.
In time I would find
all the weed I could breathe.
Doin fine in my mind
when the heat met the heave.
I was tryin to be wise
with the birds and the bees
with the birds in my eyes
and a reach like a tree’s.
But to each our feet.
And her weight on my height.
made me think I should leave.
But it’s fake to say “high”
man the stink that we breathe
Is a shake o’ the mind
Like a breeze yankin leaves
to the streets in the night.
You're weird.
Both wise and oblivious.
Three deviating steps away from
some of most the curious,
Delirious, obsessed,
Fired-up like Mary is.
Which altogether strike me as
statistical significance.
You're weird.
Both tied to the naughty kids and
recreating steps the way
one does when flippin ollies, kid:
Delirious, Obsessed,
wired up like Barry is.
Let's follow feathers like they have
instinctual effectiveness.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi there and welcome to YWS! I am here to review your interesting piece!
Word Choice
From that first chunk between the first "you're weird" and the second "you're weird" you have really good word choice. It's a mix of casual (like "flippin ollies") and more formal (like "statistical significance") language.
In a few places you use loaded words that I wish could be explained a bit more. The first line "you're weird" is really intriguing and is repeated over and over again. I'm not sure I follow how being "wise" and "oblivious" makes someone weird -- and they don't even really go together (they contradict even) I'm not sure if the contradiction between the descriptions is supposed to be the "weird" part, but I'd almost like that spelled out a bit more just to be clear.
I'm also missing what the reference to "Barry" is supposed to be in this context -- maybe just because I'm not super familiar with the subject matter.
Form
I realize this is a rap, so the sound and rhythm is a lot more important than spelling, grammar, formatting because theoretically it's supposed to be sung, I would think it might be good to note the verse/chorus breaks though just to help a bit with a reader rather than leaving it in a big chunk. Besides that I won't comment on the grammar/spelling it seemed good for the song.
Imagery and Phrasing
I think you could have maybe used a bit more figurative language as far as this poem goes, you certainly do have some metaphors in here, but rap seems to generally be pretty heavy with metaphors so if possible I would look at how you might extend a bit more.
I liked a lot of your unique phrasing, i think that was one of the biggest assets of this piece is it really felt original (I didn't feel like I had read it before or could have just inserted my own generic words into your lines) there's some great imagery and meshing of words here.
I liked the phrase "instinctual effectiveness" and also the line about kids killing neurons. Despite the ample use of repetition I felt like overall the piece also told a story gave a feeling of sort of overwhelmed but oblivious to life.
Overall Impressions
Another suggestion; it's a rather heavy emotionally heavy piece I wonder if you could add a lighter moment somewhere in there to give the listener/reader a little reprieve in midst of the content.
I enjoyed the read overall and could imagine it being song! Well done!
~alliyah
This Review is brought to you by Team Cardinals! Happy Review Day!
Hello, LeviLowe! First let me say welcome to YWS and I hope you like the site, if you ever need any help I'd be happy to help.
Anyways, I myself have never smoked weed, but I do know someone who did for years and it had no effect accept feeling mellow. I believe it is bad for you, however, I think that it should be able to be used for medical conditions such as helping people control their seizures and the like. I do like the rap, though it's hard to imagine what it'd be like since I cant hear it. So I don't know what to say as far as that goes. Good luck with your future works!
~Ruby
Thank you for your friendliness, RubyRed. I agree that weed should be used for medical purposes. Maybe I'll record this rap one day. If I do, I'll give you the heads up.
Thanks for the review
Cool!